{We march like fools in this parade of chaos

[myheadisaprison]

PSL with mostlyajerk & trickedya

Comments

[mostlyajerk]

It's not a bad thing for as long as it's last. I believe I come with an expiration date.

It's not about Axel. Though that didn't help.

[thisismadfreaky]

I never saw an expiration date with you
I was happy with you. That was the only thing that mattered.

I know it wasn't just him.
But part of it was. Part of it was you trying to protect me. From him. Because you looked at it as I was a target by association.
I'm curious...were you thinking about it before Axel showed up, though? Did he just speed up the process of something you were already considering doing?

[He isn't entirely sure he wants an answer to that last one. But the text is already sent.]

[mostlyajerk]

I didn't really think about it in such terms. I wasn't planning on ending things, if that's what you're wondering about. But I wouldn't have been surprised if you had. Maybe that's a fair assessment.

[thisismadfreaky]

[Well, that's a breath he didn't realize he was holding.]

Fwiw I wasn't anywhere near that train of thought.

[There's a delay before the next one. On the one hand, maybe it wasn't really Hartley's concern anymore. On the other, lying about Axel had played a part in the breakup, however small that part might have been.]

He was here the other night. Couple days after. Apparently we were both freezing him out, so he came by to check in.

I can see why you were his friend.
He's not horrible. I mean, except when he is.
But he's...He feels more than he lets on and if what I saw was anything to judge by, I think he actually feels guilty about his part in all this.

[mostlyajerk]

He feels a lot. Not really much of a challenge, feeling, it's how you act that reflects on yourself. Axel is going to act in a way that will make you feel sorry for him. Clearly it's working. He regrets things every time he remembers what consequences are, until he forgets it again.

You deserve better than someone who keeps playing games. Just so you know.

[thisismadfreaky]

Right. Because I'm just the gullible idiot that lets myself be played all the time.
I find it hard to believe it's all just a game to him.
Some of it must be real.

[mostlyajerk]

Of course it is, that makes it more successful when he uses it against you. It's pretty genuine. It's nothing long-lived.

So, he's your friend now?

[thisismadfreaky]

I dunno.
He says he's gonna back off, leave both of us alone.
I think he thinks that'll fix it this us everything.

[mostlyajerk]

He would. He's pretty self-involved.

I miss you forgive me

Did you want something?

[thisismadfreaky]

You.

[Oh, shit. Sending texts on impulse is probably a bad plan. He decides not to qualify it or apologize for it, though. It's the truth.]

[mostlyajerk]

Well.

You break it, you buy it.

[What does he even say to that?]

Don't think you can afford that price.

[thisismadfreaky]

Don't do that.
Stop pushing me away. I know it's not what you really want.

[mostlyajerk]

Are you going to tell me what I want? Goody.

You really are spending a lot of time with Axel.

[thisismadfreaky]

Oh my god, this doesn't have anything to do with him.

I'm not stupid, Hartley. I know what you're doing and it isn't gonna work, okay? So just...stop trying to make me hate you because I don't and you're not gonna make me.

You aren't making this easier by doing that, okay? Nothing will make it easier because I know it's not what you WANTED, it's what you've convinced yourself of, that I deserve better and somehow you don't fit into that equation but you're wrong, okay? you're wrong because I didn't WANT someone else, I didn't WANT better. I want you.

[mostlyajerk]

So you're willing to settle for worse? Good to know.

We should go back to small talk.

[thisismadfreaky]

You can stop putting words in my mouth, too.

No, you don't get to do that
You don't get to back out just because it's hard
You already did once, I'm not letting you do that again, just fucking talk to me, Hartley

[mostlyajerk]

What do you want me to say? I'm not going to start reading your script just because you're playing rough. We tried dating. We broke up.

[thisismadfreaky]

No, you broke up with me. And I don't for two seconds think you actually wanted it.

[mostlyajerk]

Was someone holding a gun to my head?

[thisismadfreaky]

No, and I never said somebody forced your hand, just that you didn't really want it.

You said yourself, you think you come with an expiration date, you were getting a jump on what you thought was inevitable because if you pushed me away first, at least it's on your terms, right?

[mostlyajerk]

You're right. I sound like a mess.

Why would you want to date that?

[thisismadfreaky]

Because I love you, you idiot.

Stop.
Just fucking stop.
Please.

Can you honestly say you feel better for it?
That you don't miss me at all?

[mostlyajerk]

No. Of course I miss you.

That's beside the point.

[thisismadfreaky]

No, that's EXACTLY the point

[mostlyajerk]

I'm in love with you and I'd rather be with you than anyone else in the world, that isn't something I expect to change any time soon.