"I just... I wanted to..." To, what? Makes this part easier on himself? He knows the whole thing is selfish, but he does genuinely want to figure out a system that works. For both of them.
He knows, at least part of his refusal is tied up in the deep down in his bones loyalty that Mick has always had for Leonard. A loyalty he never felt like he deserved, especially not in recent years as things just progressively got worse between them, the distance and changes greater. His voice is low and quiet, because this whole conversation has gone from hard to worse. "It's not...cheating if I know about it, if we- make rules about it and..." He trails off; it doesn't matter, Mick has made up his mind: offer rejected.
And now they're back where they started, with additional issues attached. He can see all the ways this will affect everything between them even further. Mick is going to tighten his grip on this and Leonard is going to suffocate in guilt for it; the imbalance is going to grow, Mick will doubt every negative reaction Leonard makes and wonder if this is just the beginning of that other shoe dropping. It's going to twist and color everything and it's Leonard's fault for even suggesting this in the first place.
Something in his stomach twists again and he feels sick. He doesn't know where to go from here, how to even begin fixing the damage this has done, the doubt and fear it's created. His gaze is on his shoes, under his hands draped loosely between his knees, and he feels stuck. "I didn't-- I wasn't trying to hurt you, Mick..." he admits quietly.
"I just... I hate being like this. It's something you deserve, it's something you need and I'm supposed to be able to give you and I can't and I don't even know why. I just..." He twists his fingers together. "I don't know what else to do..."
He's looking up at Mick again and his chest tightens all over again, making it hard to breathe. "It's not...fair for you to just wait in the wings for something you need that may not happen for weeks, months, I... I'm just trying to find a solution...for both of us." His gaze drops again, along with his voice, "I'd never kick you out. Not now, now later, not ever."
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Date: 2018-02-22 04:00 pm (UTC)He knows, at least part of his refusal is tied up in the deep down in his bones loyalty that Mick has always had for Leonard. A loyalty he never felt like he deserved, especially not in recent years as things just progressively got worse between them, the distance and changes greater. His voice is low and quiet, because this whole conversation has gone from hard to worse. "It's not...cheating if I know about it, if we- make rules about it and..." He trails off; it doesn't matter, Mick has made up his mind: offer rejected.
And now they're back where they started, with additional issues attached.
He can see all the ways this will affect everything between them even further. Mick is going to tighten his grip on this and Leonard is going to suffocate in guilt for it; the imbalance is going to grow, Mick will doubt every negative reaction Leonard makes and wonder if this is just the beginning of that other shoe dropping. It's going to twist and color everything and it's Leonard's fault for even suggesting this in the first place.
Something in his stomach twists again and he feels sick. He doesn't know where to go from here, how to even begin fixing the damage this has done, the doubt and fear it's created. His gaze is on his shoes, under his hands draped loosely between his knees, and he feels stuck. "I didn't-- I wasn't trying to hurt you, Mick..." he admits quietly.
"I just... I hate being like this. It's something you deserve, it's something you need and I'm supposed to be able to give you and I can't and I don't even know why. I just..." He twists his fingers together. "I don't know what else to do..."
He's looking up at Mick again and his chest tightens all over again, making it hard to breathe. "It's not...fair for you to just wait in the wings for something you need that may not happen for weeks, months, I... I'm just trying to find a solution...for both of us." His gaze drops again, along with his voice, "I'd never kick you out. Not now, now later, not ever."