myheadisaprison | {I might be lost, but I'm not a lost cause

"I don't mean... I just--" His heart stutters in his chest. He's never really explained this to anyone, put the thoughts and feelings and the actual lack of them to words before. He shifts and turns sideways on the couch, draws his legs up to sit criss-cross and tryies to figure out how explain what he actually meant. As opposed to what it sounded like, and how Mick obviously took it.

"It's not that I don't...feel the same way. Or that I don't. It's just-- I don't know." That didn't feel any clearer, even to him. Great. This is going so well. Can the ground hurry up on that swallowing him whole thing, already? "It's like..." Like what? It's like nothing, and that's the problem. How does he even make this make sense to Mick when he doesn't get it himself? "You've liked people before, right? Had crushes or whatever before?"

He's patient. He can wait. For Lenny, he can wait while he does his damndest to put the words together in the right order and that's probably the clearest sign to Mick that he's somehow managed to rattle him. Normally Leonard is the one good with words, the one who can put things together in ways that elude Mick.

"Yeah. Yeah I guess so." Nothing lasting. A fleeting fancy here or there but nothing that ever meant anything. Not like how he feels about Leonard.

"You don't have to know. This isn't something you gotta figure out okay?" It was more important that at least Leonard knows how he feels. About him. "As long as you're okay.. with me. Being different."

The point isn't whether it's ever been a last thing, just that it's existed, which... as expected, of course it has. Because even if he likes boys, or both, or whatever, Mick has still experienced it. Isn't broken somehow like Leonard seems to be-- because that's how it feels. Like there's something wrong with him, that he's not wired the way other kids his age are.

"Okay, well....I haven't." How's that for blunt and to the point? "I don't know what it looks like. What it feels like. How do you know the difference? I just..." He takes a deep, shaky breath. "I know that I like you, and being around you." He fidgets a little, tapping his finger against his knee.

"But I want to," he blurts out, all but talking over Mick as he says he doesn't have to figure anything out. He feels awkward about it as soon as it's out of his mouth, and hates that he can feel the heat that rushes to his cheeks and he ducks his head in a vain attempt to hide it. He looks back up a moment later, though, almost incredulous at the implication that he wouldn't be okay with anything about Mick, ever. "'Course I am. That stuff doesn't matter." Not to him. Not the way it did to Lewis.

"Oh." A simple response. Because he didn't realize it, didn't know that Lenny didn't think about relationships that way. Mick's brow knits as he reaches out, fingertips tentatively touching Leonard's hand. "I like being around you too Lenny."

They can take it slow. They can take it as slow as Leonard might need it because Mick wasn't going anywhere. Ever. God he was so gone on him already and they'd never even touched. Not really. "You don't have to figure this out tonight. Or tomorrow. We got time okay?"

A hesitant brush of his fingers along his. "I'm not goin anywhere Lenny. Not ever."

Leonard's fingers twitch as Mick reaches for his hand, but he doesn't pull away, mostly just watches curiously until he looks back up at Mick. "Yeah?" His lips twitch in the smallest of smiles at that comment.

He nods a little, "Okay..." His eyes trail back to their hands again when he feels Mick's fingers brush across his again. His stomach does a weird flip and he looks back up again. "Promise?"

"Yeah Lenny." Mick dares to reach out a little more, tangling their fingers together. His pulse is thundering in his ears, a mix of nerves and something that feels suspiciously like happiness for something as mundane as simple as holding hands and watching a movie together.

"I promise. Not going anywhere."

He feels like the floor might drop out from under him suddenly when Mick tangles their fingers together and he wonders if that's normal.

He squeezes his fingers a little in Mick's grip and smiles a little at the promise. "Good," he nods a little and shifts to sit with his back against the couch again, refusing to let go of Mick's hand yet.

He still isn't sure what this means, but he intends to explore it some more eventually. Mick will have to guide this a little more because Leonard is completely out of his depths, but at least he knows he can trust Mick to be okay with whatever happens in the end.

Mick will wait. He will wait as long as he has to.
The feeling of something as simple and stupid as holding hands sends his pulse skittering and he offers him a small smile as he sits back, their hands still tangled together.

He wants to touch. To taste. To show Leonard in every way how important he is to him. How much he loves him. But because it's Leonard Mick will wait.
It'll be okay. He can wait.
They can figure this out together.

"Go ahead and pick a movie," he offers, voice quiet and fond.

{I might be lost, but I'm not a lost cause

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