{You break down my defenses, you are my only weakness

[myheadisaprison]

PSL with auricular_acuity

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{I think I'm getting attached to you and, darling, it terrifies me

[youcouldbeagod]

Weeks. Paco had been here for w e e k s. Multiple. Plural. Over a month, if he was counting right.

That hadn't been his intention at all when initially meeting with Hartley under the impression he was his doppelgänger. He hadn't intended to end up sleeping with him, even. And once he had, he'd expected it to be a one-off. To be gone the next day before the other had even woken up.

But he'd...stayed. Because he was bored, he told himself, it was nothing more than that and he'd leave as soon as he lost interest.

Except. Of course. He hadn't yet.

He just sort of...stayed. Here. In this terrible apartment with this fascinating man. Living in some stupid bubble that nothing else existed outside of.

But that, he rationalized, too. Because of course he wasn't just wandering this Earth freely. His other self was still here, and he and his buddies at STAR Labs would recognize him. It would be messy and something he wasn't at all looking to deal with. So he didn't. He stayed here instead. It was easier. Less complicated.

Except it was complicated. Probably because Paco was making it that way in his own head, but that's hardly the point. He's noticed lately that he's comfortable here and that bothers him. He hasn't been comfortable anywhere in...well, was he ever, actually? Certainly not in the house he'd grown up in, with parents who were just terrible, nor in the rundown places he'd crashed in the less-than-great parts of his own version of Central City on his Earth.

So. Since he just couldn't have it be so simple because of course not, nothing was ever that simple, and because he never could just accept something descent and good staring him in the face. Today, he decides to say something.

It just....doesn't quite end up like he'd planned.

Hartley had been home for barely an hour when Paco breezes through the apartment toward the too-tiny kitchen where the other man was debating over take-out menus. He glances up when Paco enters the room, but before Hartley has time to even consider asking his opinion, Paco takes a space next to him, leaning against the counter, squinting curiously at him. "Why did you meet with me that first day anyway?" There's no denying the accusatory tone attached to those words, even if there's not exactly any malice behind them. (Yet? Was it a yet? It feels like it should be a yet.)

[auricular_acuity]

Weeks. Paco had been here for w e e k s. And Hartley couldn't remember being happier.

A whole month of actually talking to another human being, one who wasn't, perhaps, as intelligent as Hartley - but at least in the same ballpark. At least capable of making conversation and keeping up.

A whole month of wild, passionate sex, and cuddling, and waking up in the morning to see that nest of dark hair on the pillow next to him, and the sweet face that Paco made when no one was looking, when he was fast asleep and his guard was done.

Hartley had learned his name, and more about the home he came from, and more about what Paco meant when he said he could control the fabric of reality. He had learned what Paco liked to eat from the takeout places nearby. He had gone on innumerable errands, making sure that no one saw Paco's face and realized he was here. Hartley understood without being told that if STAR Labs learned of Paco's presence here, that would be inconvenient.

A month of bliss, but he knew sooner or later it had to all come crashing down - and maybe now should be the time. But he doesn't want it to, not at all.

So he makes an effort to suppress his reflexive irritation at Paco's accusatory tone, and arches a brow. "I was fucking with you, of course."

[youcouldbeagod]

"Right." He can accept that. He'd been doing the same, in that regard anyway. "But you didn't actually know about me." There's an emphasis on that word and the stare he's giving Hartley is probably a little more intense than he's used to getting from him. "You thought I was him." There's a beat before he adds, in an almost disgusted tone, "Cisco."

He lets the idea of where this is going hang in the air between them. There are plenty of other words burning on the end of his tongue, but he wants to wait, judge everything he can about Hartley's reaction at the not-quite-there accusation he's making. See if he makes him say it or reacts first.

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley can tell that this is some kind of test. He's been through a lot of them in his life - in his love life, specifically - and he holds Paco's gaze fearlessly. Though in truth, his heart is pounding nervously at the fear that he might not pass.

"You're correct," he says calmly, chin raised. "At first, I thought you were Cisco Ramon, and then I learned otherwise. What's your point?"

Whatever Paco thinks he's accusing him of, Hartley feels it's probably best to simply get it on the table. If Paco thought he was going to get Hartley on the defensive, frantically denying non-specific accusations, he was wrong - Hartley knows that's merely a recipe for getting Hartley to accidentally admit to something, and thereby giving Paco a reason to be angry.

[youcouldbeagod]

He's a bit thrown by how calm he is, but it doesn't show on the outside. Paco's got a far better poker face than his counterpart on this Earth, who doesn't seem to have one at all, which is kind of disappointing, if he's honest.

Anyway.

"You were still under that assumption when you invited me back here. Right?" Whether he thought something was weird was going on by then or not really didn't matter to Paco, but he assumes Hartley will probably inform him of much either way.

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley cocks his head. Yes, he figured that Paco was going to go there, so he isn't thrown. He's uncertain why this has come right now, but he's determined to keep his poise.

He suddenly grins, a little affectionate and a lot smug, and leans a little closer to his boyfriend - boyfriend? Yes, he does like that term for now - "Why, Paco... are you jealous of Cisco Ramon?"

[youcouldbeagod]

That smug grin doesn't really do Hartley any favors just now. Mostly because Paco is kind of an irrational idiot sometimes. The shift in his features is subtle, but sharp as his eyes snap toward Hartley, "No." There's nothing too forceful about the word, even if it took a lot more to keep himself this steady and even right now. "I just think it's what you wanted. He's what you wanted."

He leans back a little and manages to make it look more casual than the creation of space that it really is, arms folding across his chest. "You knew him... can't tell me you didn't consider it, at least once." And it didn't matter what Hartley's answer was, because both of them were the wrong one. If he denied it, he was a liar, and if he admitted it, he was playing directly into where Paco was leading with all this.

[auricular_acuity]

Despite his best efforts, Paco had gotten him backed into a corner. Hartley saw that his attempt to be charming hadn't really done much to assuage Paco's concerns.

He shook his head, resting his chin on a hand. "I wouldn't try to deny it, because it's true. I'd have fucked him, if he'd let me. The day I invited you over wasn't the first time I'd flirted with him." He arched a brow. "Does that really surprise you? I'm attracted to you, so naturally I'm also attracted to him."

[youcouldbeagod]

"No," he says again, a little firmer this time than he wanted it to be. "I'm not surprised. But it is kind of suspicious."

Those words hang in the air between them until finally, he moves from the place he'd rooted himself to, stepping around the counter to the other side where Hartley is standing. When he wants to, Paco really does have the art of intimidation down--and the power to back it, really. And it's pretty clear that's what he's going for right now, though whether it's successful or not is up to Hartley.

"I'm perfectly fine with being the one to fulfil a fantasy you wouldn't get otherwise," Harsh, Paco, calm down. "but I'd at least like to be aware of it. I'm nobody's placeholder and I don't settle for being second best."

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley didn't much like being intimidated, though he was used to having to pacify and please a lover. He inclined his head as Paco got in his face, pursing his lips in thought.

Then he lifted his hand and cupped the other man's cheek. "Believe me, you are not second best to Cisco, on any metric."

[youcouldbeagod]

This was the problem.

This, right here. Right now.

The way he just...didn't react to the intimidation tactics, and he stayed calm and touched him, soft and gentle, redirecting his attention away from the anger he was clinging to and accusations he was throwing around wildly.

Getting under his skin.

These thoughts all happen rapidly, barely a short, few seconds gone by when he flinches away from the touch. Not because he doesn't want it or like it, but because he does and he hates that he does.

He wants to say something, anything, but finds his voice stuck in his throat. Paco's pride won't let him say anything he should say in this moment, so he does the only thing he knows to do when his argument has dissolved into nothing.

He turns away from Hartley and mutters a quiet, "Whatever," starting to wander away from the kitchen, as long as Hartley will just let him go.

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley reaches out and catches Paco by the arm, just as he turns away. "Wait," he says, serious and somewhat urgent. The way Paco is just walking off terrifies him. "Wait, don't just go like that. I'm telling you the truth. Cisco was nothing more than someone to play with, but you--" He swallows, the words he scarcely dares to think, let alone say, sticking in his throat.

[youcouldbeagod]

He turns back toward him, eyes landing on his hand on his wrist and trailing slowly up to Hartley's face. He'd done worse for less, but he settled for twisting his wrist out of the other's grip.

Paco didn't mind the ask to stay, he liked hearing it, more than he wanted to admit. But the part he stopped, the words he's certain Hartley let die on his tongue terrify him. He didn't do this. He didn't get attached, involved with people. He couldn't afford to. Zoom was always watching and an attachment meant a weakness, something to hold over his head, to force his hand. So, he never let himself have it, because he refused to put himself in a position to be manipulated.

"I... just-- don't." He feels so exposed right now, without his goggles. He uses them for his powers, sure, but more than that, it's easier to hide behind a mask. But right now, his face is open, raw, his eyes reflect the hesitance and fear that has his heart racing. "Whatever you do, don't do that to yourself."

'Dont fall for me,' despite being left unsaid, the words hang thickly in the air between them.

[auricular_acuity]

It panics Hartley to be brushed off so easily, and he has to restrain himself from grabbing for the other man again. He knows Paco isn't like Cisco - he's controlled, even prickly.

But the fear he sees is so like what he's feeling, that it shocks him. "Paco," he says, his own expression no less pained. "I don't understand."

[youcouldbeagod]

"What's there to understand? I- I don't...This..." He's rarely one to need to try so hard to find his words and it's frustrating the hell out of him that he can't just get it out. He scrubs a hand roughly down his face.

He looks up at Hartley again, still not sure how to put words to what's in his head. He shakes his head a little and drops his gaze, speaking more to the floor than him because it's easier. "You...I'm comfortable around you in a way that...doesn't make sense for me. You have this effect on me that... terrifies me because nobody else has ever..." It's still hard to get his words to cooperate and make the jumbled mess in his head make sense out loud. And he isn't sure he's managing it very well.

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley's jaw nearly hit the floor. He took a moment to just breathe, to remind himself that someone might really want him, and that wasn't just some kind of fantasy.

He drew a breath and let it out, his own eyes sliding away from Paco as he looked virtually everywhere but at him. "I don't understand how that can be a bad thing," he said quietly. "That you like being around me, that I appreciate you."

He looked up, slightly desperate. "Because I do appreciate you. You, not your doppelganger. I swear."

[youcouldbeagod]

"Because I don't do this, Hartley!" The words rip out of him sharply, not because he's mad, but he's frustrated and he's in unfamiliar territory. "Relationships? Emotions? It's too much, it's too messy and it's pointless because people don't stay."

And that's the crux of it all, isn't it? He refuses to have something he can't keep as his own forever. People always say forever, but it never lasts.

[auricular_acuity]

"I'm not going anywhere."

His voice is small, helpless. He can relate to Paco's fears, because he feels them himself.

He approaches the other man and reaches out nervously to touch him again. "We've only known one another for a month. It's impossible to know the future, but... but I know I've been happier this past month than in years. I feel like I've made you happy, too. Please don't throw it away until we know."

[youcouldbeagod]

"People always say that." There's a bitterness coloring his words, but they lack a distinct bite.

He doesn't lean into the touch, but he does react-- not exactly pulling away, but a kneejerk sort of twist of his wrist that draws him back into himself. He's too emotional to handle being touched yet. But he doesn't move any further away from Hartley, either. Just stands in the middle of the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest, staring at a spot on the floor and refusing to look at him right now. Talking to the floor is easier than the look in Hartley's eyes.

"That's the problem." His voice is quiet, like he's risking something in even saying anything at all. "I can check. Hundreds, thousands of potentials and possibilities and maybes. But I can't say definitively which one would be what I get. The future is too fluid, too easily affected, and even I can't control it. Not knowing...is a risk."

A risk that terrifies him. A risk he isn't sure he can afford to take.

But he can't quite bring himself to say that out loud, either.

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley lets his hands fall as Paco curls into himself, his fingers curling into fists. He turns in on himself as well, wrapping his arms around his stomach and curling his fingers in the fabric of his shirt.

"If you can't know, then whether you look or not doesn't make a difference," Hartley points out. "But this isn't about theory, it's about our lives." He looks up. "If I'm not a risk worth taking, then perhaps you should go now. But I'm willing to take the risk in you."

[youcouldbeagod]

A deafening silence falls between them for a stretch as Paco takes in what's happening, the options he's being given. He doesn't want to leave, not really, but it's what his first instinct in this situation is. It's his first reaction to anything that sent him into a panic like this. And Hartley certainly had him on edge.

But there's still something he doesn't understand and his hesd snaps up as the one-worded question is yanked out of his throat. "Why?" Why him? Why was he worth the risk of an unknown quantity?

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley is putting himself on the line here, and every instinct is telling him to pull back, to make some biting comment and shield himself. He's been hurt before, hurt so deeply, but he's desperate not to lose this.

"I told you already," he snapped, his own head coming up. "Because I'm happy. I don't know what the future will hold... but at least for now, you're here and I want you to stay."

[youcouldbeagod]

What he's saying just...doesn't click into place like it should for Paco. Things were never that simple, were they? Not really. People just thought they were, but everything was always ten times more complicated than it seemed on the surface. There had to be other factors at play, other variables to consider. Something more than the too-easy fact that he, Paco, of all people, just genuinely made him happy. There's a quip floating in the back of his mind about how pathetic it is that somebody as out of touch and closed off as he is, is the kind of person Hartley's decided to attach to. But he doesn't say it because... why? What's stopping him? He never filters his thoughts like that because he never cares what people think or how they're affected by his words.

Oh.

Right.

The realization is like taking a bag of bricks to the gut--hard and powerful and painful. He cares. He cares about what Hartley thinks. If the things he says will hurt him. But the idea flashes neon in his head with the danger this presents. Because it is. Dangerous. Hartley and everything he's so easily capable of bringing out of Paco himself. He has control of Paco in a way no one has had in a long time, maybe ever.

Hartley Rathaway isn't dangerous because of anything he can do with his powers or genius and skill alike, he's dangerous because of the way he brings Paco's defenses down, tears straight through them, makes him content, complacent. The unnamed thing he refuses to acknowledge that Hartley has slowly been waking up in him after all his years of carefully constructing the walls around his heart. They aren't gone, but Hartley iss steadily creating irreparable cracks in all his walls.

"I-I don't ..." A lot of possibilities fill the space between his words, as he tries to figure out exactly how he wants to end that sentence:

'want to be a regret'

'know how to navigate this'

'know where this is going to go'

'want to be a mistake'

but in the end, there's only one thing that weighs out over the rest of it. "want to leave." His voice is small and quiet and this is no easy thing for him to admit, especially out loud and directly to Hartley, but he manages. If only just.

[auricular_acuity]

Hartley watches every particle of Paco's face as he struggles with what to say. What he finally does say is a huge relief, though Hartley is quite sure it isn't all that had gone through Paco's head.

He rocks from foot to foot, keyed up and nervous. He wants to just carry Paco to bed and make him forget this entire conversation, but every time he's reached out to him, he's recoiled.

He draws a breath and turns slightly away, hugging himself. "Have I ever told you about...my first important relationship?" He laughs softly. "My only relationship, before you that is."

[youcouldbeagod]

When Hartley turns away from him, it's Paco's turn to watch him, cautious, careful--curious. He isn't sure where this is going, but he wants to hear more. Needs to, even.

"No," He shakes his head a little and tries to ignore the way the implication that this, too, was an important relationship makes something in him twist. "Tell me." He could have probably gone about it in a less demanding way, but Hartley's probably used to the less-than-stellar tact that he often has.