Hartley lets his hands fall as Paco curls into himself, his fingers curling into fists. He turns in on himself as well, wrapping his arms around his stomach and curling his fingers in the fabric of his shirt.
"If you can't know, then whether you look or not doesn't make a difference," Hartley points out. "But this isn't about theory, it's about our lives." He looks up. "If I'm not a risk worth taking, then perhaps you should go now. But I'm willing to take the risk in you."
A deafening silence falls between them for a stretch as Paco takes in what's happening, the options he's being given. He doesn't want to leave, not really, but it's what his first instinct in this situation is. It's his first reaction to anything that sent him into a panic like this. And Hartley certainly had him on edge.
But there's still something he doesn't understand and his hesd snaps up as the one-worded question is yanked out of his throat. "Why?" Why him? Why was he worth the risk of an unknown quantity?
Hartley is putting himself on the line here, and every instinct is telling him to pull back, to make some biting comment and shield himself. He's been hurt before, hurt so deeply, but he's desperate not to lose this.
"I told you already," he snapped, his own head coming up. "Because I'm happy. I don't know what the future will hold... but at least for now, you're here and I want you to stay."
What he's saying just...doesn't click into place like it should for Paco. Things were never that simple, were they? Not really. People just thought they were, but everything was always ten times more complicated than it seemed on the surface. There had to be other factors at play, other variables to consider. Something more than the too-easy fact that he, Paco, of all people, just genuinely made him happy. There's a quip floating in the back of his mind about how pathetic it is that somebody as out of touch and closed off as he is, is the kind of person Hartley's decided to attach to. But he doesn't say it because... why? What's stopping him? He never filters his thoughts like that because he never cares what people think or how they're affected by his words.
Oh.
Right.
The realization is like taking a bag of bricks to the gut--hard and powerful and painful. He cares. He cares about what Hartley thinks. If the things he says will hurt him. But the idea flashes neon in his head with the danger this presents. Because it is. Dangerous. Hartley and everything he's so easily capable of bringing out of Paco himself. He has control of Paco in a way no one has had in a long time, maybe ever.
Hartley Rathaway isn't dangerous because of anything he can do with his powers or genius and skill alike, he's dangerous because of the way he brings Paco's defenses down, tears straight through them, makes him content, complacent. The unnamed thing he refuses to acknowledge that Hartley has slowly been waking up in him after all his years of carefully constructing the walls around his heart. They aren't gone, but Hartley iss steadily creating irreparable cracks in all his walls.
"I-I don't ..." A lot of possibilities fill the space between his words, as he tries to figure out exactly how he wants to end that sentence:
'want to be a regret'
'know how to navigate this'
'know where this is going to go'
'want to be a mistake'
but in the end, there's only one thing that weighs out over the rest of it. "want to leave." His voice is small and quiet and this is no easy thing for him to admit, especially out loud and directly to Hartley, but he manages. If only just.
Hartley watches every particle of Paco's face as he struggles with what to say. What he finally does say is a huge relief, though Hartley is quite sure it isn't all that had gone through Paco's head.
He rocks from foot to foot, keyed up and nervous. He wants to just carry Paco to bed and make him forget this entire conversation, but every time he's reached out to him, he's recoiled.
He draws a breath and turns slightly away, hugging himself. "Have I ever told you about...my first important relationship?" He laughs softly. "My only relationship, before you that is."
When Hartley turns away from him, it's Paco's turn to watch him, cautious, careful--curious. He isn't sure where this is going, but he wants to hear more. Needs to, even.
"No," He shakes his head a little and tries to ignore the way the implication that this, too, was an important relationship makes something in him twist. "Tell me." He could have probably gone about it in a less demanding way, but Hartley's probably used to the less-than-stellar tact that he often has.
Honestly, Hartley was expecting it. He flinches anyway, just a little. Discussing Dr. Wells was always a sensitive subject.
He draws a breath and lets it out, then nods. "I used to work for STAR Labs. I was Doctor Wells' protege...and his lover." He hesitated. "I thought he cared for me, was proud of me, but in retrospect...I'm sure he wasn't capable of those emotions. He was using me, nothing more, and I was vulnerable. My family had disinherited me, and I had nowhere to go, but at least I had a home in STAR Labs...at least I had a man who appreciated me for who I was, even liked it. That's what I thought at the time."
He's not sure what he was expecting, but that...certainly wasn't it. Even if it's almost a painful cliche. Underappreciated protege falls for manipulative mentor. The idea of it still makes him angry on Hartley's behalf. Not that he can do much about it now.
"He manipulated you...used you." He doesn't say it to rub salt in the wound, and the muted voice he uses says as much. "But..." He doesn't seem to be aware of the couple of steps he's taken toward Hartley, frown etched into his features, "...what's that...got to do with this?" 'This' because 'us' was too real for him to commit to just yet, but the underlying meaning was there anyway.
Hartley twitches, but he does recognize that Paco was merely speaking the truth, not trying to hurt him. He's aware that Paco is moving towards him, perhaps - perhaps starting to listen, rather than just rejecting this.
His eyes are still trained on the floor, his arms wrapped protectively around himself. "What's it got to do with you? You asked me if I like Cisco - I don't. When Doctor Wells cast me aside like so much trash, Cisco and the others didn't give me a second thought."
That isn't all, though. Hartley also wants Paco to understand that Hartley's been hurt, too. They both have reason to be afraid.
"Well, they're idiots," he says it like it's obvious, and to him, it is. He blinks as he suddenly realizes the way he's inched closer to him. There an awkward hesitation, but it's short-lived and he reaches over to touch Hartley's arm. He's not any good at this part, but...He's trying, at least.
Hartley relaxes slightly when Paco reaches out to him. He turns his head and looks sidelong at the other man, a wry smile twisting his lips. "Thank you," he murmurs.
He turns towards Paco and catches his hand gently. "I know we don't know each other well. There's a lot I don't know about you, and a lot I haven't told you about myself. But... I think we each have a choice. We can choose to be alone, or choose to try again."
Despite being the one to initiate contact, he pauses and drops his gaze to his hand in Hartley's. It's not like it was so strange or unusual, but everything feels a little different right now. He looks carefully back up at Hartley as he points out what their choices are.
He presses his lips together as he considers what to say. Hartley has set it out pretty plainly and directly, but Paco isn't good at that kind of directness where emotions are concerned. "I'm staying." Short, simple, concise. But he adds, "I'm not promising anything perfect. I don't know how to...navigate this. But..." he trails off and shrugs one shoulder. He hopes this is good enough, because he's not sure how much more of it he can stand right now. He hadn't bothered letting himself feel this much in awhile.
Hartley smiles with relief, aware that he's showing his hand, but willing to allow that under the circumstances. "I'm not promising perfection, either," he said. "Looks like neither of us is experienced with... functional relationships. So we'll just have to try."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2017-02-06 06:16 pm (UTC)"If you can't know, then whether you look or not doesn't make a difference," Hartley points out. "But this isn't about theory, it's about our lives." He looks up. "If I'm not a risk worth taking, then perhaps you should go now. But I'm willing to take the risk in you."
no subject
Date: 2017-02-06 06:45 pm (UTC)But there's still something he doesn't understand and his hesd snaps up as the one-worded question is yanked out of his throat. "Why?" Why him? Why was he worth the risk of an unknown quantity?
no subject
Date: 2017-02-06 07:05 pm (UTC)"I told you already," he snapped, his own head coming up. "Because I'm happy. I don't know what the future will hold... but at least for now, you're here and I want you to stay."
no subject
Date: 2017-02-06 08:52 pm (UTC)Oh.
Right.
The realization is like taking a bag of bricks to the gut--hard and powerful and painful. He cares. He cares about what Hartley thinks. If the things he says will hurt him. But the idea flashes neon in his head with the danger this presents. Because it is. Dangerous. Hartley and everything he's so easily capable of bringing out of Paco himself. He has control of Paco in a way no one has had in a long time, maybe ever.
Hartley Rathaway isn't dangerous because of anything he can do with his powers or genius and skill alike, he's dangerous because of the way he brings Paco's defenses down, tears straight through them, makes him content, complacent. The unnamed thing he refuses to acknowledge that Hartley has slowly been waking up in him after all his years of carefully constructing the walls around his heart. They aren't gone, but Hartley iss steadily creating irreparable cracks in all his walls.
"I-I don't ..." A lot of possibilities fill the space between his words, as he tries to figure out exactly how he wants to end that sentence:
'want to be a regret'
'know where this is going to go'
but in the end, there's only one thing that weighs out over the rest of it. "want to leave." His voice is small and quiet and this is no easy thing for him to admit, especially out loud and directly to Hartley, but he manages. If only just.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 01:53 am (UTC)He rocks from foot to foot, keyed up and nervous. He wants to just carry Paco to bed and make him forget this entire conversation, but every time he's reached out to him, he's recoiled.
He draws a breath and turns slightly away, hugging himself. "Have I ever told you about...my first important relationship?" He laughs softly. "My only relationship, before you that is."
no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 02:26 am (UTC)"No," He shakes his head a little and tries to ignore the way the implication that this, too, was an important relationship makes something in him twist. "Tell me." He could have probably gone about it in a less demanding way, but Hartley's probably used to the less-than-stellar tact that he often has.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 02:46 am (UTC)He draws a breath and lets it out, then nods. "I used to work for STAR Labs. I was Doctor Wells' protege...and his lover." He hesitated. "I thought he cared for me, was proud of me, but in retrospect...I'm sure he wasn't capable of those emotions. He was using me, nothing more, and I was vulnerable. My family had disinherited me, and I had nowhere to go, but at least I had a home in STAR Labs...at least I had a man who appreciated me for who I was, even liked it. That's what I thought at the time."
no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 03:43 am (UTC)"He manipulated you...used you." He doesn't say it to rub salt in the wound, and the muted voice he uses says as much. "But..." He doesn't seem to be aware of the couple of steps he's taken toward Hartley, frown etched into his features, "...what's that...got to do with this?" 'This' because 'us' was too real for him to commit to just yet, but the underlying meaning was there anyway.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 04:05 am (UTC)His eyes are still trained on the floor, his arms wrapped protectively around himself. "What's it got to do with you? You asked me if I like Cisco - I don't. When Doctor Wells cast me aside like so much trash, Cisco and the others didn't give me a second thought."
That isn't all, though. Hartley also wants Paco to understand that Hartley's been hurt, too. They both have reason to be afraid.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 04:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 05:12 am (UTC)He turns towards Paco and catches his hand gently. "I know we don't know each other well. There's a lot I don't know about you, and a lot I haven't told you about myself. But... I think we each have a choice. We can choose to be alone, or choose to try again."
no subject
Date: 2017-02-07 05:57 pm (UTC)He presses his lips together as he considers what to say. Hartley has set it out pretty plainly and directly, but Paco isn't good at that kind of directness where emotions are concerned. "I'm staying." Short, simple, concise. But he adds, "I'm not promising anything perfect. I don't know how to...navigate this. But..." he trails off and shrugs one shoulder. He hopes this is good enough, because he's not sure how much more of it he can stand right now. He hadn't bothered letting himself feel this much in awhile.
no subject
Date: 2017-02-08 06:18 am (UTC)