He doesn't fight it when Leonard links their fingers, so that's probably a good sign. He hadn't completely fucked this up yet, he could fix it. There was still--
He took his hand away. Mick never takes his hand away. He changed his mind.
A harsh repetition of words already spoken. "It's fine." But it isn't. "Just forget it." But he can't.
His ears ring, loud and incessant, a lot like they do in the silence of his house after Lewis finally passes out for the night. The ringing is accompanied by a sort of static in his head that he recognizes as a panic attack trying to edge its way in. But he isn't in the grips of it yet, he can make it stop before he is, if he just focuses enough on something else. Anything else.
"Don't..." His voice is barely a whisper, and shaky at best as he tries to stay calm in the swelling panic at the idea trying to take rise in the back of his mind--You're losing him.
"Don't pretend that it's fine when it's not. It's a lie. I hate lying. Don't lie to me." Because the one thing Leonard has had with Mick that he never had with other people before is trust and he can't let that break.
He isn't talking to Mick as much as his hands folded in his lap, still sitting on his knees. He hasn't moved away from the older boy at all, almost as if he's scared to put any more space between them than there already is.
"I didn't...realize that you meant it, at first. People..say things they don't mean sometimes..when they're drunk..." Isn't that what he'd convinced himself of for years, with Lewis? Turns out sometimes the opposite is true, too, and they mean exactly what they're saying, they just need the buzz of the alcohol to remind them how to say it.
He fidgets as he continues, fingers twisting together nervously in his lap. He still can't bring himself to look at Mick as he speaks, but at least he's getting the words out. "And...I guess, also, I mean..." There's a hollow sort of laugh with no real humor to it. Just one little huff of a sound as he shakes his head. "I didn't think about that even being possible. For someone to...care about me. Like that.--"
"Or at all.", says a voice somewhere in the back of his mind that he has to squeeze his eyes shut against.
"Someone liking me? Loving me?" He shrugs. "Why would they? Why would anyone? I'm...I'm not worth it. I'm just a mess that nobody deserves to have put on them."
Leonard didn't mean to talk so much. And he didn't mean to somehow twist this around and make it about him. Or whatever 'daddy never loved me enough' issues he has. He just wants Mick to understand why he reacted the way he did. And it has nothing to do with not feeling the same way--not that he quite got to the part, yet. It's everything to do with having no reason to believe it was possible in the first place.
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Date: 2018-05-04 12:03 am (UTC)He doesn't fight it when Leonard links their fingers, so that's probably a good sign. He hadn't completely fucked this up yet, he could fix it. There was still--
He took his hand away.
Mick never takes his hand away.
He changed his mind.
A harsh repetition of words already spoken.
"It's fine." But it isn't.
"Just forget it." But he can't.
His ears ring, loud and incessant, a lot like they do in the silence of his house after Lewis finally passes out for the night. The ringing is accompanied by a sort of static in his head that he recognizes as a panic attack trying to edge its way in. But he isn't in the grips of it yet, he can make it stop before he is, if he just focuses enough on something else. Anything else.
"Don't..." His voice is barely a whisper, and shaky at best as he tries to stay calm in the swelling panic at the idea trying to take rise in the back of his mind--You're losing him.
"Don't pretend that it's fine when it's not. It's a lie. I hate lying. Don't lie to me." Because the one thing Leonard has had with Mick that he never had with other people before is trust and he can't let that break.
He isn't talking to Mick as much as his hands folded in his lap, still sitting on his knees. He hasn't moved away from the older boy at all, almost as if he's scared to put any more space between them than there already is.
"I didn't...realize that you meant it, at first. People..say things they don't mean sometimes..when they're drunk..." Isn't that what he'd convinced himself of for years, with Lewis? Turns out sometimes the opposite is true, too, and they mean exactly what they're saying, they just need the buzz of the alcohol to remind them how to say it.
He fidgets as he continues, fingers twisting together nervously in his lap. He still can't bring himself to look at Mick as he speaks, but at least he's getting the words out. "And...I guess, also, I mean..." There's a hollow sort of laugh with no real humor to it. Just one little huff of a sound as he shakes his head. "I didn't think about that even being possible. For someone to...care about me. Like that.--"
"Or at all.", says a voice somewhere in the back of his mind that he has to squeeze his eyes shut against.
"Someone liking me? Loving me?" He shrugs. "Why would they? Why would anyone? I'm...I'm not worth it. I'm just a mess that nobody deserves to have put on them."
Leonard didn't mean to talk so much. And he didn't mean to somehow twist this around and make it about him. Or whatever 'daddy never loved me enough' issues he has. He just wants Mick to understand why he reacted the way he did. And it has nothing to do with not feeling the same way--not that he quite got to the part, yet. It's everything to do with having no reason to believe it was possible in the first place.