He's only slightly aware of the way Lenny goes stiff before scrambling up and Mick makes no move to stop him.
Stupid. He was so damn stupid. Putting his heart out there like that only for Snart to think it was some kind of joke when he'd been completely gone on him for years now. He just.. he thought he knew. He should know.
Mick doesn't argue when his hand is taken.
Don't be mad.
A strained huff as he shakes his hand free. "Said it was fine Lenny. Just forget I said it."
He doesn't fight it when Leonard links their fingers, so that's probably a good sign. He hadn't completely fucked this up yet, he could fix it. There was still--
He took his hand away. Mick never takes his hand away. He changed his mind.
A harsh repetition of words already spoken. "It's fine." But it isn't. "Just forget it." But he can't.
His ears ring, loud and incessant, a lot like they do in the silence of his house after Lewis finally passes out for the night. The ringing is accompanied by a sort of static in his head that he recognizes as a panic attack trying to edge its way in. But he isn't in the grips of it yet, he can make it stop before he is, if he just focuses enough on something else. Anything else.
"Don't..." His voice is barely a whisper, and shaky at best as he tries to stay calm in the swelling panic at the idea trying to take rise in the back of his mind--You're losing him.
"Don't pretend that it's fine when it's not. It's a lie. I hate lying. Don't lie to me." Because the one thing Leonard has had with Mick that he never had with other people before is trust and he can't let that break.
He isn't talking to Mick as much as his hands folded in his lap, still sitting on his knees. He hasn't moved away from the older boy at all, almost as if he's scared to put any more space between them than there already is.
"I didn't...realize that you meant it, at first. People..say things they don't mean sometimes..when they're drunk..." Isn't that what he'd convinced himself of for years, with Lewis? Turns out sometimes the opposite is true, too, and they mean exactly what they're saying, they just need the buzz of the alcohol to remind them how to say it.
He fidgets as he continues, fingers twisting together nervously in his lap. He still can't bring himself to look at Mick as he speaks, but at least he's getting the words out. "And...I guess, also, I mean..." There's a hollow sort of laugh with no real humor to it. Just one little huff of a sound as he shakes his head. "I didn't think about that even being possible. For someone to...care about me. Like that.--"
"Or at all.", says a voice somewhere in the back of his mind that he has to squeeze his eyes shut against.
"Someone liking me? Loving me?" He shrugs. "Why would they? Why would anyone? I'm...I'm not worth it. I'm just a mess that nobody deserves to have put on them."
Leonard didn't mean to talk so much. And he didn't mean to somehow twist this around and make it about him. Or whatever 'daddy never loved me enough' issues he has. He just wants Mick to understand why he reacted the way he did. And it has nothing to do with not feeling the same way--not that he quite got to the part, yet. It's everything to do with having no reason to believe it was possible in the first place.
Being accused of lying only makes him stuffen further, angry. Upset. Hurt enough that he doesn't reach out for Leonard when he withdraws, when he folds his hands in his lap and doesn't even address him directly. He's never lied to him, never about something that mattered.
Maybe it had to do with how he was brought up, or the lack of how he was brought up, but Mick learned early that the way you showed someone you gave a damn about them was you put their needs ahead of yours. It was how he'd taken care of his sister before.. well. Before.
That was all he knew, really.
"Jesus Lenny." A hard sound. "I look like the kinda guy who don't say what he means? Especially something like.. like that? Christ, you've been my whole fuckin world since juvie and that ain't ever gonna change. Ever."
"No," he answers that question almost instantly. "but...like I said, we're drunk and just..." he shakes his head. It's a moot point, really. He did say it, and he did mean it, and Leonard made him feel bad for even admitting it.
Finally, he makes himself look up at Mick. He has to for the next part. Because Mick needs to be able to see the sincerity for himself. "Your feelings aren't a joke, Mick... and...I'm sorry I made you feel like I thought they were. They're not, a-and I don't. I'm just...kind of an idiot sometimes." He smiles, something that's supposed to ease the tension more than it is something happy, and it doesn't reach his eyes at all.
"Please...don't be mad." There's those words again. He can't help it. He's scared, terrified, that everything he's saying won't matter, that he's fucked this up more than he can repair it, shattered some intricate part of this that he didn't even know was there until it was too late. There's a stalled attempt to reach for Mick's hand again, abandoned because he doesn't think that's what the other boy wants from him right now.
He fidgets more with his own fingers a little. "I don't know how to put what I feel in words, really... but I know I like you. And I think spending time with you is the best way to spend any second of free time I can grab. I know I'm terrified of losing you, or something ripping you away from me. That I can't picture a future you're not in. It doesn't feel right, if I do." He shrugs a little, staring over at Mick, trying to gauge his reaction to all of this. "Is that what love's like?"
Mick scrubs at his face. He's too drunk for a conversation like this but if they're gonna have it, he's going to try and think straight. "I ain't mad okay?" God if that's one thing he could ever get him to stop thinking it would be that. Like one day he'd ever get angry enough to hurt him or even think about leaving.
"I dunno. I just know you're everything to me. Everything." A huff. "I didn't exactly grow up knowing what it was. But.. you're everything to me. I don't want anybody else like I want you."
He manages a small, almost rueful smile at that exasperated sigh of his name. It's a thing he's gotten used to. He brings that out in people, but it's never really so bad with Mick. Leonard knows he gets frustrated with how in-depth he gets about things sometimes, but he never acts like it's not worth getting into, even if he doesn't necessarily feel like it. He always takes the time to settle Leonard's mind.
"Okay..." he relents to that fact, at least. If Mick says he isn't mad, he'll believe him. And he takes it as an invitation, too. He reaches carefully for Mick's hand again, and this time, he doesn't stop himself.
He ducks his head a little, borderline shy at the declaration that he's everything to the other boy. It's one of those things that makes his heart stutter in his chest and an army of butterflies try to fight for dominance in his stomach. "Sounds...pretty close to me..." He says, looking back up at him, a small smile on his lips.
"I think...um..." He shakes his head a little to clear his thoughts. "I mean, can we...just start over?" A beat and his widen a little as he realizes how that might sound. "I mean. Tonight. The-- before. This was a pretty good night, wasn't it? Can we just...start over. From when you said--" His heart skips a beat as he thinks about it, a smile trying to twitch at the corner of his mouth. "what you said...." And this time, he won't screw it up.
Mick takes the time because Lenny deserves it. He needs it. For someone to stop and go over something with him again until he's clear on the matter, long before it gets all tangled up in his head into something bigger and messier. He takes the time because Leonard always takes the time for him too.
Their fingers thread together and Mick's heart is in complete freefall. If it isn't what normal people consider love who cares? He loves him. He would do anything for his partner. He loves moments like this and he loves more complex ones, watching Lenny work on a plan or just sit there and read a book.
Mick leans to kiss the corner of his mouth, the one trying hard to quirk as he stammers around trying to tell him what he wants. "When I said I love you," he supplies. "Yeah, yeah Lenny I'd like that a lot." And he uses their joined hands to tug him back down onto the bed with him, setling in and letting Leonard have his hand to fiddle with again.
"Yeah," he huffs, a soft, amused sound at hearing those words again. Oh, he likes the way that feels. He laughs as Mick tugs him back down next to him, a genuinely happy sound that he rarely comes by.
He turns against him and slides up Mick's chest to catch his lips again. He may not be ready to put anything in words, but he refuses to let Mick think he doesn't feel it, too.
That sound draws a chuckle from him as well - he hears it so rarely and always does his damndest to commit it to memory. Moments when Lenny is relaxed and content with him.
He hums into the kiss, hand light on the back of his neck. Lenny doesn't have to say it. He doesn't have to say anything because Mick knows. He shows it in every careful touch, in every little smile that's only for him, in the ways that he lets Mick take care of him.
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no subject
Date: 2018-05-03 06:08 pm (UTC)Stupid.
He was so damn stupid. Putting his heart out there like that only for Snart to think it was some kind of joke when he'd been completely gone on him for years now.
He just.. he thought he knew.
He should know.
Mick doesn't argue when his hand is taken.
Don't be mad.
A strained huff as he shakes his hand free. "Said it was fine Lenny. Just forget I said it."
no subject
Date: 2018-05-04 12:03 am (UTC)He doesn't fight it when Leonard links their fingers, so that's probably a good sign. He hadn't completely fucked this up yet, he could fix it. There was still--
He took his hand away.
Mick never takes his hand away.
He changed his mind.
A harsh repetition of words already spoken.
"It's fine." But it isn't.
"Just forget it." But he can't.
His ears ring, loud and incessant, a lot like they do in the silence of his house after Lewis finally passes out for the night. The ringing is accompanied by a sort of static in his head that he recognizes as a panic attack trying to edge its way in. But he isn't in the grips of it yet, he can make it stop before he is, if he just focuses enough on something else. Anything else.
"Don't..." His voice is barely a whisper, and shaky at best as he tries to stay calm in the swelling panic at the idea trying to take rise in the back of his mind--You're losing him.
"Don't pretend that it's fine when it's not. It's a lie. I hate lying. Don't lie to me." Because the one thing Leonard has had with Mick that he never had with other people before is trust and he can't let that break.
He isn't talking to Mick as much as his hands folded in his lap, still sitting on his knees. He hasn't moved away from the older boy at all, almost as if he's scared to put any more space between them than there already is.
"I didn't...realize that you meant it, at first. People..say things they don't mean sometimes..when they're drunk..." Isn't that what he'd convinced himself of for years, with Lewis? Turns out sometimes the opposite is true, too, and they mean exactly what they're saying, they just need the buzz of the alcohol to remind them how to say it.
He fidgets as he continues, fingers twisting together nervously in his lap. He still can't bring himself to look at Mick as he speaks, but at least he's getting the words out. "And...I guess, also, I mean..." There's a hollow sort of laugh with no real humor to it. Just one little huff of a sound as he shakes his head. "I didn't think about that even being possible. For someone to...care about me. Like that.--"
"Or at all.", says a voice somewhere in the back of his mind that he has to squeeze his eyes shut against.
"Someone liking me? Loving me?" He shrugs. "Why would they? Why would anyone? I'm...I'm not worth it. I'm just a mess that nobody deserves to have put on them."
Leonard didn't mean to talk so much. And he didn't mean to somehow twist this around and make it about him. Or whatever 'daddy never loved me enough' issues he has. He just wants Mick to understand why he reacted the way he did. And it has nothing to do with not feeling the same way--not that he quite got to the part, yet. It's everything to do with having no reason to believe it was possible in the first place.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-04 01:38 am (UTC)Maybe it had to do with how he was brought up, or the lack of how he was brought up, but Mick learned early that the way you showed someone you gave a damn about them was you put their needs ahead of yours. It was how he'd taken care of his sister before.. well. Before.
That was all he knew, really.
"Jesus Lenny." A hard sound. "I look like the kinda guy who don't say what he means? Especially something like.. like that? Christ, you've been my whole fuckin world since juvie and that ain't ever gonna change. Ever."
no subject
Date: 2018-05-04 02:20 am (UTC)"No," he answers that question almost instantly. "but...like I said, we're drunk and just..." he shakes his head. It's a moot point, really. He did say it, and he did mean it, and Leonard made him feel bad for even admitting it.
Finally, he makes himself look up at Mick. He has to for the next part. Because Mick needs to be able to see the sincerity for himself. "Your feelings aren't a joke, Mick... and...I'm sorry I made you feel like I thought they were. They're not, a-and I don't. I'm just...kind of an idiot sometimes." He smiles, something that's supposed to ease the tension more than it is something happy, and it doesn't reach his eyes at all.
"Please...don't be mad." There's those words again. He can't help it. He's scared, terrified, that everything he's saying won't matter, that he's fucked this up more than he can repair it, shattered some intricate part of this that he didn't even know was there until it was too late. There's a stalled attempt to reach for Mick's hand again, abandoned because he doesn't think that's what the other boy wants from him right now.
He fidgets more with his own fingers a little. "I don't know how to put what I feel in words, really... but I know I like you. And I think spending time with you is the best way to spend any second of free time I can grab. I know I'm terrified of losing you, or something ripping you away from me. That I can't picture a future you're not in. It doesn't feel right, if I do." He shrugs a little, staring over at Mick, trying to gauge his reaction to all of this. "Is that what love's like?"
no subject
Date: 2018-05-04 12:48 pm (UTC)Mick scrubs at his face. He's too drunk for a conversation like this but if they're gonna have it, he's going to try and think straight. "I ain't mad okay?" God if that's one thing he could ever get him to stop thinking it would be that. Like one day he'd ever get angry enough to hurt him or even think about leaving.
"I dunno. I just know you're everything to me. Everything." A huff. "I didn't exactly grow up knowing what it was. But.. you're everything to me. I don't want anybody else like I want you."
no subject
Date: 2018-05-06 03:50 am (UTC)"Okay..." he relents to that fact, at least. If Mick says he isn't mad, he'll believe him. And he takes it as an invitation, too. He reaches carefully for Mick's hand again, and this time, he doesn't stop himself.
He ducks his head a little, borderline shy at the declaration that he's everything to the other boy. It's one of those things that makes his heart stutter in his chest and an army of butterflies try to fight for dominance in his stomach. "Sounds...pretty close to me..." He says, looking back up at him, a small smile on his lips.
"I think...um..." He shakes his head a little to clear his thoughts. "I mean, can we...just start over?" A beat and his widen a little as he realizes how that might sound. "I mean. Tonight. The-- before. This was a pretty good night, wasn't it? Can we just...start over. From when you said--" His heart skips a beat as he thinks about it, a smile trying to twitch at the corner of his mouth. "what you said...." And this time, he won't screw it up.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-09 05:53 pm (UTC)Their fingers thread together and Mick's heart is in complete freefall. If it isn't what normal people consider love who cares? He loves him. He would do anything for his partner. He loves moments like this and he loves more complex ones, watching Lenny work on a plan or just sit there and read a book.
Mick leans to kiss the corner of his mouth, the one trying hard to quirk as he stammers around trying to tell him what he wants. "When I said I love you," he supplies. "Yeah, yeah Lenny I'd like that a lot." And he uses their joined hands to tug him back down onto the bed with him, setling in and letting Leonard have his hand to fiddle with again.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-09 10:41 pm (UTC)"Yeah," he huffs, a soft, amused sound at hearing those words again. Oh, he likes the way that feels. He laughs as Mick tugs him back down next to him, a genuinely happy sound that he rarely comes by.
He turns against him and slides up Mick's chest to catch his lips again. He may not be ready to put anything in words, but he refuses to let Mick think he doesn't feel it, too.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-10 01:54 pm (UTC)He hums into the kiss, hand light on the back of his neck. Lenny doesn't have to say it. He doesn't have to say anything because Mick knows. He shows it in every careful touch, in every little smile that's only for him, in the ways that he lets Mick take care of him.