"Okay," he mumbles quietly and he rolls his lips together, in some vague attempt to keep himself from just rambling like he was doing before. The hand on his knee makes him ease to a stop in his bouncing, his eyes locked on the image, and taking in the way he doesn't really mind it.
His eyes widen a little at that admission. "Really? Since juvie?" He echoes, voice plainly colored with the shock of it. "I didn't know," he says, confirming that he really had no clue, all this time.
"And I've never really...thought of anybody like that before." he admits, confirming further that this isn't even just an issue stemming from the fact that they're both guys, but more from Leonard's complete lack of experience in any variety in this department. His voice is quiet, and he's back to staring at his hands in his lap, fidgeting nervously again.
This is.. so far outside of Mick's realm of experience. Leonard really had no idea what to do or what those feelings meant and he's absolutely not the best suited to guide him through this. Not even a little.
"Yeah. Since juvie," he confirms, trying not to overthink the blatant shock in Lenny's voice. A slow breath as he reaches out to close a hand over his. "Is that.. I mean.. is that something you want?"
"With me?" Because before they go any further, they kind of need to establish whether or not Lenny wants that. The kiss was telling but he doesn't want to assume.
His fingers twitch under Mick's own, twisting to thread them between the spaces in Mick's fingers. He stares at their linked fingers and thinks about that question, and all the implications behind it.
"I..." He starts, but his words fumble. He's so out of his element, and he feels shaky on uneven ground. "I think so... I--" the words die on his tongue because 'like you' just didn't feel right, or like enough. "I'm...comfortable with you, Mick...in ways I've never been with...anyone."
It's a big admission, but kind of like a weight off of him, and pushes him to be able to say more. "I'm safe with you. I feel safe with you. And I...I don't know what this is, or what it means, or where it could go, but... I know that... I can't lose you. That's a risk I can never take, because I already lost you once, when I left you behind in juvie and...I can't have that again. Ever, okay? And I don't...know how this works, but...if it could ruin what we already have, I don't want that to happen, okay? But..."
There's an awkward pause and amused sort of scoff as he shakes his head, biting his lip. "I don't know what to do because I think I really do...want that. but, more than that, I don't want to lose everything else and--" he lets out a frustrated sigh. his fingers untangling from Mick's as he drops his face into his hands.
He doesn't even know what the answer in all of that is, so he doesn't expect Mick to have one, either. And he's pretty sure Mick has made the worst decision ever in wanting anything with him because he's a giant, clueless, paranoid mess that no one deserves to have thrown on them.
Comfortable and safe aren't words often used when you live the life Leonard Snart does. Constantly on guard. Always watching, waiting, it's no wonder that his mind is pretty much always on overdrive. So when he associates those words with Mick? That sets up something warm and a little wonderful in his chest. Something almost like hope.
He allows Lenny to take his hand back, watching him fold in on himself before shifting a little closer on the couch. Mick's own fingers twitch, wanting to pull him in closer but he holds back.
"Hey." A beat. "Leonard." Using his full name in the hope of tugging him out of whatever thoughts are spiraling in his head. "You're not gonna lose me. Not now. Not ever." A promise he'll keep for the rest of his damn life. "If you don't want me bein' with anyone else like at that bar? I won't."
"I just.." he shakes his head. "Only ever wanted you anyway."
He slowly looks up at him again when Mick calls his name. "How do you know that?" the words tumble out faster than he can process them. "Isn't that what happens, when something goes wrong or it doesn't work out? You can't go back after that...can you?" Really, the best he has to go by is movies or his own observations in the kids in his classes that he's seen cycle through relationships and breakups and the drama of it all. None of it had ever appealed to him before, but everything is kind of different with Mick.
"And...how is that fair, to you, if everything stays the way it is?" Not that's he's sure everything can, not now. Not after that kiss in the bar, which he can still feel like a phantom touch against his lips. He's pretty sure he'll never get that out of his head. "I-- you can't just wait for me to get my shit together, Mick." He's talking to his hands in his lap again. Why is this so hard?
Mick shrugs a little. "Because unless you tell me to go and never come back, I ain't leaving." Like it's that simple. Leonard had worked his way under his skin, into his heart and into everything that Mick was now. Leaving was unthinkable. Impossible. Earning his loyalty was difficult if not impossible but now that Leonard had it, Mick would never leave him. Ever.
That kiss. That clashing of lips and the solid feel of Leonard's weight pressed against him. Mick was never going to be able to forget that. How in that one moment absolutely everything had changed for him. Nothing would ever be the same.
A nudge to his knee. "Been waiting this long, haven't I?" Who says he can't wait longer?
Leonard can't fathom someone just sticking by him the way Mick is saying he would. Will. Is? It's not the kind of thing he's used to, but God, it's a nice thought. The kind of thing he could really sink into, and hope against everything that nothing ever pushes Mick into a position to have to break that promise.
"Yeah, but...who knows when that'll happen." It's almost a joke in self-derision. Because he knows how crazy he can be over some things, and he's proved pretty well tonight how clueless he is in others. He just can't ask Mick to wait for him like that.
He snorts in reply. "Lenny, I said I ain't going anywhere. And right now? Right now I'd like nothin more than to kiss you again and take you back to bed and show you how good it could be."
Mick makes a show of pulling his hands back. "But I can wait till you say so. Until you want that too." He can wait now that he knows Leonard wants him back, even if he still hasn't sorted it out in his head completely. It'll mean cold showers and lonely nights, but this is Lenny. His whole damn world.
His eyes widen a little at that idea. This is all so new to him, and completely set him in territory he doesn't understand, it's all a little overwhelming.
But it helps, the way Mick eases back from the idea, saying he's ready to wait. Even if that idea just seems wildly unfair to Leonard.
"I don't..." he starts, a slight frown creasing his forehead. He really, really hates being this nervous; it pushes him outside of his usual tight reign of control on himself. "really know what I want... but..." his fingers dance across his knee, seeking Mick's hand to tangle their fingers together again. "I think..." he pauses and s hakes his head, corrects his words, "no, I know...you're the one I wanna figure it out with." Whatever that really means. He finishes with an awkward glance up toward Mick, lips rolling together as he waits for his reaction.
Relief swamps him as Leonard tangles their fingers together again and he offers him a hesitant smile. "Okay Lenny. Then that's what we'll do. I won't let anyone else touch me at a bar either," he promises.
"Whatever it takes okay Lenny? You and me. We can figure it out and it don't matter how long it takes okay?"
"Okay..." he echoes, nodding a bit. He doesn't even know how to take that last comment. Worth waiting for? Leonard's not so sure about that. But it's the kind of thing that comes out of Mick's mouth as easy as breathing, and it makes Leonard's heart stutter in his chest.
He smiles a little, at a bit of a loss of where to go from here, or what he should do or say. He moves his thumb across the edge of Mick's hand. It's a simple thing, a throwaway thing that's taken for granted by probably literally every other person on the planet, but it's so infrequent that he lets down any of his innumerable walls. And with Mick? There's barely a wall at all.
His movements are tentative, questioning, he's not really sure if this is okay, or if he should, but Leonard doesn't want to be driven by the nerves running a rampage through his body. Slowly, he shifts his position on the couch, curling closer to Mick's side. He never lets go of Mick's hand, thumb still tracing against it.
"So, juvie, huh?" he smirks slightly up at him. "When?"
And Mick keeps perfectly still while he shifts closer, allowing him to get as close as he wants while he focuses on the brush of his thumb. Touch is such an important thing to him, even when it's small things like this and Mick will soak it up like a sponge.
A snort of amusement as he turns his hand a bit to stroke the side of Leonard's with a finger. "You remember that one day we got in that fight? I was in a lousy mood and you were no better? So you picked a fight and I shoved you into the wall?" He shakes his head. God they were idiots.
"I realized that I didn't wanna kick your ass so much as kiss you."
Leonard is surprised with just how comfortable he is here against Mick's side, like it's normal, natural, somehow. He's actually relaxed, which he isn't used to, it feels weird. Like the kind of thing that he could get used to, if he could ever convince himself this kind of complacency was safe.
"Yeah," he nods a little, giving a soft, amused scoff, "I remember..." He's got the smallest of smirks tugging up one corner of his mouth.
At that explanation, however, it falters into something a little more like shock. "Really?"
Damn if this doesn't feel good. Right. Like this is where he's meant to be.
The shock on his face earns a smile from Mick because damn had that night fueled more than a few fantasies about his partner in the subsequent years. "Yeah. Really. I just wanted you to stop talking, you had to go and be.. you. Then it just hit me like a ton of damn bricks."
"That I wanted something else. That I wanted you."
"Oh." He bites his lip, not really sure how to take that. He's not sure that anyone has ever seen him this way-- and if they had, he certainly never noticed it at all.
"Well, I didn't really hate it, you know. Being pinned like that by you." His words are a little more tentative than he might have liked, but they were honest all the same. And maybe more flirty than he realized.
His shoulders shake with a quiet chuckle. "Yeah? I didn't exactly hate doin' it either." Mick tamps down on a question that very nearly escapes, wondering if he'd want to try it again. It's too soon tonight. Probably.
"But you can set the pace Lenny," he promises. "Don't wanna push you into anything you aren't ready to try."
Mick isn't above stealing, but there are few things that he's got hard and fast rules on and one of them is consent. A wink. "You're the boss."
He snickers a little at the joke, but shakes his head. "Nah... boss...implies a hierarchy. This isn't that. We're....on the level. Equal." He tips his head back a little to look up at Mick. "Partners."
"But...thanks," he says, looking back down at their linked fingers again. "I appreciate it... you letting me set the pace. I've never..." he shrugs, like that finishes the thought left hanging in the air.
"Partners." It's perfect. Mick smiles in approval as he nods.
Mick squeezes their linked hands. Lenny isn't his first by a long shot but that's okay. That means when the time comes he can do it all right, he can show him how good it can all be. Until then he's okay with cold showers and solo nights.
"As long as you need Lenny. You just gotta tell me what you want and when."
"I dunno if you've noticed or not, but I'm not... so great at that. The whole--" he waves his free hand in a vague sort of motion. "voicing things I want...thing." Maybe part of that is not knowing what he wants, but a bigger part is probably not really having the opportunity for something like that before. You don't want in the Snart household, it does no good.
"Okay Lenny.. um," he considers for a long moment. "But I don't wanna push for more than you're ready." Help him figure this out Leonard. Mick isn't the planner.
"Maybe you just start taking the lead. I'll.. I won't do nothing until you're ready?"
"We'll figure it out," He promises, looking up at him again. "I know you'd never do anything I'm not ready for. I...Mick, I trust you." Some words, he just doesn't use. Ever. And it makes an impact when it comes up. Trust is definitely one of those. Like safe and comfortable, earlier. Apparently, Mick gets all the rarities tonight.
"I'm not really great at that either," he admits, which he knows is not helping the point of this at all, but he thinks the only thing that will is being upfront. "That..." another vague motion with his hand. "thing... at the bar, I-- that's not me..." he gives an awkward scoff. "I don't know what happened. I just..."
Suddenly, mid-sentence, something dawns on him. "Actually, I... I think I was jealous." Which feels absolutely ridiculous to realize, and even more mortifying to admit. And it's an obvious kind of embarrassment he's feeling, as he almost sinks lower against Mick's side.
Trust. Even something like jealousy. Christ. The words mean everything to Mick, as evidenced in the fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips even as Lenny sinks in against him.
"Ain't nothing wrong with that," he promises. "But I don't know what to do now. Can I, can I just put my arm around you?" Mick wants so much more but so far it's worked to treat Lenny like a skittish colt. Slow and easy.
"There's not?" Because he feels like he's being pretty useless in all of this right now-- not good at voicing things, not good at anything like taking charge in this situation. Everything he's said is the opposite of helpful and sounds a lot more like he's just being purposefully difficult, even though he's really not.
He nods a little. "Yeah, that's fine..." He frowns a little, "but... I don't want you to feel like you have to ask for everything, that's not really fair and I'm pretty sure that isn't how this is supposed to work." A list feels too clinical and detached, so he keeps it to himself when it crosses his mind, though he thinks he might make one on his own, for himself, so he can figure this out with Mick more later.
"For now, just...go slow. And...I'll stop you if it's too much." It's the best plan he can go with for right this minute, and it gels well with Mick pushing for Leonard to set the pace.
He bites his lip, debating if he should admit what's burning a hole at the end of his tongue, but he thinks it's for the best if he explains it. Might help Mick really understand this from his side of it all. "I'd never kissed anyone before tonight." Sort of an unnerving thing to admit at seventeen, but well....the truth is the truth.
"Okay. Okay I can do that." And Mick slides an arm around Leonard, easing him in a little more against his side and damn if that doesn't feel good. Slow. He can do slow for the sake of his partner.
Mick is about to ask for another kiss when the admission stops him cold and his jaw works for a moment. "Oh. Okay." His thumb moves in circles along his shoulder. "I'm glad it was me. So.. if.. you know, whenever you wanna try again?"
God, he could live here against Mick's side for the rest of eternity and it would never feel like the world could do anything to damage him. And wouldn't that just be nice? He leans deeper into that space of comfort and ignores the pressing feeling of the negative way his thoughts always twist anything good in his life. He may not be able to shut that part of his brain off forever, but he can for right now, at least.
"I know, it's weird, but..." His lip finds its way between his teeth again and, if he's paying attention, Mick might notice the way he's all but checked out toward the end of that last statement, already understanding where he was going with it. Leonard's gaze drops, for a brief moment to Mick's lips and he doesn't quite notice, and probably wouldn't know it as a sign of wanting to be kissed if he did anyway.
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Date: 2018-04-11 10:13 pm (UTC)His eyes widen a little at that admission. "Really? Since juvie?" He echoes, voice plainly colored with the shock of it. "I didn't know," he says, confirming that he really had no clue, all this time.
"And I've never really...thought of anybody like that before." he admits, confirming further that this isn't even just an issue stemming from the fact that they're both guys, but more from Leonard's complete lack of experience in any variety in this department. His voice is quiet, and he's back to staring at his hands in his lap, fidgeting nervously again.
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Date: 2018-04-12 12:57 am (UTC)"Yeah. Since juvie," he confirms, trying not to overthink the blatant shock in Lenny's voice. A slow breath as he reaches out to close a hand over his. "Is that.. I mean.. is that something you want?"
"With me?" Because before they go any further, they kind of need to establish whether or not Lenny wants that. The kiss was telling but he doesn't want to assume.
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Date: 2018-04-12 02:29 am (UTC)"I..." He starts, but his words fumble. He's so out of his element, and he feels shaky on uneven ground. "I think so... I--" the words die on his tongue because 'like you' just didn't feel right, or like enough. "I'm...comfortable with you, Mick...in ways I've never been with...anyone."
It's a big admission, but kind of like a weight off of him, and pushes him to be able to say more. "I'm safe with you. I feel safe with you. And I...I don't know what this is, or what it means, or where it could go, but... I know that... I can't lose you. That's a risk I can never take, because I already lost you once, when I left you behind in juvie and...I can't have that again. Ever, okay? And I don't...know how this works, but...if it could ruin what we already have, I don't want that to happen, okay? But..."
There's an awkward pause and amused sort of scoff as he shakes his head, biting his lip. "I don't know what to do because I think I really do...want that. but, more than that, I don't want to lose everything else and--" he lets out a frustrated sigh. his fingers untangling from Mick's as he drops his face into his hands.
He doesn't even know what the answer in all of that is, so he doesn't expect Mick to have one, either. And he's pretty sure Mick has made the worst decision ever in wanting anything with him because he's a giant, clueless, paranoid mess that no one deserves to have thrown on them.
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Date: 2018-04-12 12:52 pm (UTC)He allows Lenny to take his hand back, watching him fold in on himself before shifting a little closer on the couch. Mick's own fingers twitch, wanting to pull him in closer but he holds back.
"Hey." A beat. "Leonard." Using his full name in the hope of tugging him out of whatever thoughts are spiraling in his head. "You're not gonna lose me. Not now. Not ever." A promise he'll keep for the rest of his damn life. "If you don't want me bein' with anyone else like at that bar? I won't."
"I just.." he shakes his head. "Only ever wanted you anyway."
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Date: 2018-04-12 03:00 pm (UTC)"And...how is that fair, to you, if everything stays the way it is?" Not that's he's sure everything can, not now. Not after that kiss in the bar, which he can still feel like a phantom touch against his lips. He's pretty sure he'll never get that out of his head. "I-- you can't just wait for me to get my shit together, Mick." He's talking to his hands in his lap again. Why is this so hard?
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Date: 2018-04-12 03:11 pm (UTC)That kiss. That clashing of lips and the solid feel of Leonard's weight pressed against him. Mick was never going to be able to forget that. How in that one moment absolutely everything had changed for him. Nothing would ever be the same.
A nudge to his knee. "Been waiting this long, haven't I?" Who says he can't wait longer?
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Date: 2018-04-12 10:24 pm (UTC)"Yeah, but...who knows when that'll happen." It's almost a joke in self-derision. Because he knows how crazy he can be over some things, and he's proved pretty well tonight how clueless he is in others. He just can't ask Mick to wait for him like that.
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Date: 2018-04-13 12:43 pm (UTC)Mick makes a show of pulling his hands back. "But I can wait till you say so. Until you want that too." He can wait now that he knows Leonard wants him back, even if he still hasn't sorted it out in his head completely. It'll mean cold showers and lonely nights, but this is Lenny. His whole damn world.
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Date: 2018-04-14 01:22 am (UTC)But it helps, the way Mick eases back from the idea, saying he's ready to wait. Even if that idea just seems wildly unfair to Leonard.
"I don't..." he starts, a slight frown creasing his forehead. He really, really hates being this nervous; it pushes him outside of his usual tight reign of control on himself. "really know what I want... but..." his fingers dance across his knee, seeking Mick's hand to tangle their fingers together again. "I think..." he pauses and s hakes his head, corrects his words, "no, I know...you're the one I wanna figure it out with." Whatever that really means. He finishes with an awkward glance up toward Mick, lips rolling together as he waits for his reaction.
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Date: 2018-04-14 01:28 am (UTC)"Whatever it takes okay Lenny? You and me. We can figure it out and it don't matter how long it takes okay?"
"You're, um, you're worth waiting for."
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Date: 2018-04-14 02:13 am (UTC)He smiles a little, at a bit of a loss of where to go from here, or what he should do or say. He moves his thumb across the edge of Mick's hand. It's a simple thing, a throwaway thing that's taken for granted by probably literally every other person on the planet, but it's so infrequent that he lets down any of his innumerable walls. And with Mick? There's barely a wall at all.
His movements are tentative, questioning, he's not really sure if this is okay, or if he should, but Leonard doesn't want to be driven by the nerves running a rampage through his body. Slowly, he shifts his position on the couch, curling closer to Mick's side. He never lets go of Mick's hand, thumb still tracing against it.
"So, juvie, huh?" he smirks slightly up at him. "When?"
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Date: 2018-04-15 03:06 pm (UTC)A snort of amusement as he turns his hand a bit to stroke the side of Leonard's with a finger. "You remember that one day we got in that fight? I was in a lousy mood and you were no better? So you picked a fight and I shoved you into the wall?" He shakes his head. God they were idiots.
"I realized that I didn't wanna kick your ass so much as kiss you."
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Date: 2018-04-16 12:58 am (UTC)"Yeah," he nods a little, giving a soft, amused scoff, "I remember..." He's got the smallest of smirks tugging up one corner of his mouth.
At that explanation, however, it falters into something a little more like shock. "Really?"
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Date: 2018-04-16 02:23 pm (UTC)The shock on his face earns a smile from Mick because damn had that night fueled more than a few fantasies about his partner in the subsequent years. "Yeah. Really. I just wanted you to stop talking, you had to go and be.. you. Then it just hit me like a ton of damn bricks."
"That I wanted something else. That I wanted you."
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Date: 2018-04-16 05:00 pm (UTC)"Well, I didn't really hate it, you know. Being pinned like that by you." His words are a little more tentative than he might have liked, but they were honest all the same. And maybe more flirty than he realized.
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Date: 2018-04-16 05:27 pm (UTC)"But you can set the pace Lenny," he promises. "Don't wanna push you into anything you aren't ready to try."
Mick isn't above stealing, but there are few things that he's got hard and fast rules on and one of them is consent. A wink. "You're the boss."
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Date: 2018-04-16 11:24 pm (UTC)"But...thanks," he says, looking back down at their linked fingers again. "I appreciate it... you letting me set the pace. I've never..." he shrugs, like that finishes the thought left hanging in the air.
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Date: 2018-04-17 12:00 am (UTC)Mick squeezes their linked hands. Lenny isn't his first by a long shot but that's okay. That means when the time comes he can do it all right, he can show him how good it can all be. Until then he's okay with cold showers and solo nights.
"As long as you need Lenny. You just gotta tell me what you want and when."
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Date: 2018-04-17 12:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-04-17 12:20 am (UTC)"Maybe you just start taking the lead. I'll.. I won't do nothing until you're ready?"
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Date: 2018-04-17 12:51 am (UTC)"I'm not really great at that either," he admits, which he knows is not helping the point of this at all, but he thinks the only thing that will is being upfront. "That..." another vague motion with his hand. "thing... at the bar, I-- that's not me..." he gives an awkward scoff. "I don't know what happened. I just..."
Suddenly, mid-sentence, something dawns on him. "Actually, I... I think I was jealous." Which feels absolutely ridiculous to realize, and even more mortifying to admit. And it's an obvious kind of embarrassment he's feeling, as he almost sinks lower against Mick's side.
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Date: 2018-04-17 01:08 am (UTC)Christ. The words mean everything to Mick, as evidenced in the fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips even as Lenny sinks in against him.
"Ain't nothing wrong with that," he promises. "But I don't know what to do now. Can I, can I just put my arm around you?" Mick wants so much more but so far it's worked to treat Lenny like a skittish colt. Slow and easy.
He can try. For him.
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Date: 2018-04-17 01:28 am (UTC)He nods a little. "Yeah, that's fine..." He frowns a little, "but... I don't want you to feel like you have to ask for everything, that's not really fair and I'm pretty sure that isn't how this is supposed to work." A list feels too clinical and detached, so he keeps it to himself when it crosses his mind, though he thinks he might make one on his own, for himself, so he can figure this out with Mick more later.
"For now, just...go slow. And...I'll stop you if it's too much." It's the best plan he can go with for right this minute, and it gels well with Mick pushing for Leonard to set the pace.
He bites his lip, debating if he should admit what's burning a hole at the end of his tongue, but he thinks it's for the best if he explains it. Might help Mick really understand this from his side of it all. "I'd never kissed anyone before tonight." Sort of an unnerving thing to admit at seventeen, but well....the truth is the truth.
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Date: 2018-04-17 01:35 am (UTC)Mick is about to ask for another kiss when the admission stops him cold and his jaw works for a moment. "Oh. Okay." His thumb moves in circles along his shoulder. "I'm glad it was me. So.. if.. you know, whenever you wanna try again?"
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Date: 2018-04-17 01:48 am (UTC)"I know, it's weird, but..." His lip finds its way between his teeth again and, if he's paying attention, Mick might notice the way he's all but checked out toward the end of that last statement, already understanding where he was going with it. Leonard's gaze drops, for a brief moment to Mick's lips and he doesn't quite notice, and probably wouldn't know it as a sign of wanting to be kissed if he did anyway.
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