He blinks, hard, at that admission. He doesn't even know how to process it at first. Him. He's... the reason. The reason that it feels better when he's close. But also the reason everything hurts, that Mick might actually die from it. There is a lot to take in from that small handful of words and Leonard isn't sure whether relief at knowing the full scope of the situation or panic at having no better ideas on how to solve it will win the war in his head.
"Me?" He finally manages to get out, shock and disbelief coloring the sound of his voice. He doesn't understand. How could it be him? Why? None of it makes sense, but he's pretty sure the way soulmates work is nothing like logical.
She was right. He just didn't get shit like this. For a smart guy Snart can be kinda thick sometimes.
"Look, we figured a way around it, didn't we? Things don't gotta change if you don't want them to," he offers, giving him an out, giving him time to process how fundamentally things might have just changed between them.
"It's a stall tactic, not a cure," the words come automatically, like he was waiting for the opportunity to point it out, or maybe he had mapped the conversation out in his head and pre-planned his counter points.
But he's still stuck, this revelation still sinking in and coating every inch of him in the same way panic like to do to him so frequently when anything is out of his control. And this is certainly outside of what he can manipulate to his liking. He feels it like pinpricks across his skin, a tightness in his chest that a deep breath can't cure.
Then, Mick's words register and he looks up, expression carefully confused. "I-- I don't know." which isn't helpful. He doesn't want anything to change, not really. He's comfortable in their routine and he doesn't want it broken or ruined somehow. But he doesn't want to lose Mickz either. It's something he doesn't know how to navigate at all.
"Who cares?" He counters. "If it works for us who cares?" The only person outside of his sister that's ever mattered to him is sitting in his usual chair quietly freaking the fuck out and Mick isn't sure what to say to help ratchet him back down again.
"Look," he sets the beer down, fingers twitching with the need to reach out and touch him. "It can all be just like it always is. You come over here, I go over to your place, we talk about classes and bullshit about movies or whatever."
"It'll be okay." Even before his stupid soul marks woke up he'd resigned himself to loving Snart, even if it was never really returned. He'd be okay with this too.
"I do, Mick. I care! I don't just want to make it easier for you to die, I want to stop it." That is the thing that is the strongest out of everything he's feeling: I can't lose Mick. sings out loud and clear like a bell inside his head.
"I'm not worried about anything changing... I just don't want to lose you." All of the conviction in his voice from seconds ago is drained to quiet resignation.
At the touch, he glances up at Mick, but the question pulls his gaze back down. Mostly because he doesn't even really know how to begin to answer it. He blinks and frowns, watching his own fingers curl around Mick's in response as he tries to figure out where to even start.
"I- I don't know." This isn't the sort of thing he does. Putting anything he feels into words is the sort of thing that was strictly off limits in his house. Lewis was of the school that says men don't get emotional and the ones that do are weak-- and weakness was unacceptable, earning another lesson written into his skin. So Leonard learned really early on to just not bother with emotions. Bottle it. Put a lid on it. Hide it in a locked box and throw away the key.
His lack of connection with people, in a widespread and general sort of way, makes it even harder. He had people he called his friends in high school, but they weren't, not really. They flaked at the drop of a hat, and he dropped them left and right knowing it never meant anything to either of them. Mick is mostly the only person that wasn't some strict point of networking that was more business than anything else that he'd ever had.
"I mean-- you're... my best friend." A beat. He's not sure if that's enough, or right. "I guess? I--" He shakes his head and looks up at Mick again. "I don't know how to do this, Mick."
Mick keeps his fingers curled around his as he stammers out an answer, giving them both something to focus on. He can't help it, he'd fallen stupidly and irrevocably head over heels as he watched Snart come out of his shell. Every time he'd smiled a little easier, every time he laughed, every time he'd relaxed and shown a bit more of himself, Mick fell a little harder and a little faster.
"You're my best friend too, Lenny."
"I can't make you feel things that ain't there. But I don't want to lose you either. So maybe things don't have to change while we.. while we figure this out?"
He smiles a little at that, but it fades a moment or two later at the rest of Mick's words. He nods a bit, "Yeah...okay." There's a beat and he shakes his head, "Why would you lose me, anyway?" He's not the one in the process of a slow death, here.
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no subject
Date: 2018-08-31 01:39 am (UTC)"Me?" He finally manages to get out, shock and disbelief coloring the sound of his voice. He doesn't understand. How could it be him? Why? None of it makes sense, but he's pretty sure the way soulmates work is nothing like logical.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-31 12:12 pm (UTC)He just didn't get shit like this. For a smart guy Snart can be kinda thick sometimes.
"Look, we figured a way around it, didn't we? Things don't gotta change if you don't want them to," he offers, giving him an out, giving him time to process how fundamentally things might have just changed between them.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-31 03:19 pm (UTC)But he's still stuck, this revelation still sinking in and coating every inch of him in the same way panic like to do to him so frequently when anything is out of his control. And this is certainly outside of what he can manipulate to his liking. He feels it like pinpricks across his skin, a tightness in his chest that a deep breath can't cure.
Then, Mick's words register and he looks up, expression carefully confused. "I-- I don't know." which isn't helpful. He doesn't want anything to change, not really. He's comfortable in their routine and he doesn't want it broken or ruined somehow. But he doesn't want to lose Mickz either. It's something he doesn't know how to navigate at all.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-31 04:03 pm (UTC)"Look," he sets the beer down, fingers twitching with the need to reach out and touch him. "It can all be just like it always is. You come over here, I go over to your place, we talk about classes and bullshit about movies or whatever."
"It'll be okay."
Even before his stupid soul marks woke up he'd resigned himself to loving Snart, even if it was never really returned.
He'd be okay with this too.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-01 10:39 pm (UTC)"I'm not worried about anything changing... I just don't want to lose you." All of the conviction in his voice from seconds ago is drained to quiet resignation.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-02 12:54 pm (UTC)There's only one way to stop what's happening to him. They both know it.
"Lenny.. how do you feel about me?" A terrifying question, but one that would tell them just how they can go about dealing with this.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-02 11:25 pm (UTC)"I- I don't know." This isn't the sort of thing he does. Putting anything he feels into words is the sort of thing that was strictly off limits in his house. Lewis was of the school that says men don't get emotional and the ones that do are weak-- and weakness was unacceptable, earning another lesson written into his skin. So Leonard learned really early on to just not bother with emotions. Bottle it. Put a lid on it. Hide it in a locked box and throw away the key.
His lack of connection with people, in a widespread and general sort of way, makes it even harder. He had people he called his friends in
high school, but they weren't, not really. They flaked at the drop of a hat, and he dropped them left and right knowing it never meant anything to either of them. Mick is mostly the only person that wasn't some strict point of networking that was more business than anything else that he'd ever had.
"I mean-- you're... my best friend." A beat. He's not sure if that's enough, or right. "I guess? I--" He shakes his head and looks up at Mick again. "I don't know how to do this, Mick."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-03 12:22 pm (UTC)"You're my best friend too, Lenny."
"I can't make you feel things that ain't there. But I don't want to lose you either. So maybe things don't have to change while we.. while we figure this out?"
no subject
Date: 2018-09-03 03:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-09-03 04:01 pm (UTC)"Let's just order a pizza, work on those damn papers a little longer before we watch a movie, huh?" Their usual thing. Something quiet and normal.