"I've never ridden in a hot air balloon. Or piloted a blimp." He suggests, the smirk on his lips betraying the attempt at making the suggestions sound like things he actually ever felt like doing.
But there's a slip into something a little more real for a second. "Kinda always wanted to go to Paris." The idea of going alone is not exactly high on his list, and he isn't exactly going to ask anyone to be a tagalong because he doesn't know how to be a person on his own.
Barry laughs at the "suggestions," shaking his head at them. He gives him an approving look at the comment about Paris, though. "That sounds really fun, actually. I haven't traveled much outside of Central City myself, except to Star City or elsewhere for Flash things. I've never really taken an actual vacation."
He's not entirely inviting himself, because that would be rude, but he's putting it out there as a possibility.
"Ever?" Both of Leonard's eyebrows arch at that admission. Sure, he may be a criminal which by default meant no set hours and most of his life was spent lying low for some reason or other, but he still took vacations.
Barry shakes his head. "Nope. Team Flash can confirm. I'm not sure I really could take a vacation even if I wanted to. Me being gone in the Speed Force was hard enough for them."
He'd probably spend most of it feeling guilty about leaving them to fend for themselves.
"The Speed Force wasn't-- a vacation. Or even a choice." Not for someone like Barry, especially. "And I think you could use a vacation," he shrugs a bit, waving one hand. "And maybe a lesson or two in, at least occasionally, putting yourself first."
"Well, no, not exactly, it's just...I would feel bad taking even more time away from them. And me trying to put myself first doesn't tend to work out well," he says, quietly. "I'd like a vacation, but..."
"But you'd spend the entire time feeling guilty about it..?" Just a guess, but it seems like the most likely end to that thought, in Leonard's opinion at any rate. "I think you have friends who would be more understanding than you're giving them credit for." Most of them, at least.
"Yeah," Barry confirms, with a sigh. "I'm sure you're right, I just...I know there are some people who wouldn't." Some people mostly being Iris. "And besides, I'd still feel guilty even if they were understanding."
It's a vicious cycle in his head, the level of obligation he feels to make things easier for everyone except himself. But maybe that's why fate saw that he needed a soulmate like Leonard.
"Some people...can get over it." And that's all he thinks about that. He sips at his coffee and considers Barry's next words. That kind of guilt isn't something that Leonard understands. "Why? If you had their understanding, what's there left to be guilty about?"
Somehow, his answer doesn't actually surprise Leonard much, because it makes sense with everything he knows about Barry. But it not coming as a surprise doesn't lessen the impact of hearing it started so plainly.
"Barry..." This really wasn't how he thought grabbing coffee would go, but here they are. He isn't good at pep talks or things shaped like emotions, but for the people that fall onto his innermost circle, he tries. In his own, strange way. "I know what I'm about to say is a touch of stating the obvious and a lot easier said than done, but..." he pushes his coffee aside with a soft sigh. "Look, you can't... do that. You can't let other people control your self-worth." Even though he isn't exactly eager to tell the story, it definitely sounds like he's speaking from experience.
Barry considers that for a moment. "I think I've always been like that, since I was a kid. I just...I always wanted to prove myself, you know? I don't know how to...not do that, really. Maybe....I don't know, finding other things to appreciate about myself other than being helpful."
He just doesn't see what else anyone would see in him.
"I get it, trust me..." He wasted too much time as a kid trying to "win" his own father's attention, pride, affection.... it didn't work out so well. "But, if nothing else...you should give the people in your life more credit than that. I don't think that most of the people you surround yourself with are actually the sorts that fall into the user or manipulator categories." Himself not included, obviously. He's definitely been both of those things at points in the past. "You may not see anything else, but...they do."
Barry gives him a small smile. "It's more like giving myself credit, if that makes any sense. I'm really bad at that. But now I'm curious about what you see."
Because obviously he sees worth in him too, even if Barry doesn't know what that is.
What a sudden, and loaded, question; the weight of it is enough to actually knocked Leonard's normally schooled expression into something a little more genuine and uncertain. "Oh. Um, well..." He stares at the cup resting between his hands as he tries to figure out the words to explain it. This really isn't his strong-suit.
"Look at it this way... if I'd never met you, I'd still be pulling bank jobs and jewelry heists. You are..." He closes his eyes, an amused smirk on his face, and shakes his head. "This sounds so stupid, but, you're an inspiration. You saw good in me when I had no reference for it at all."
He hadn't actually expected an honest answer from Leonard, and it catches him by surprise, too. He blushes when Leonard calls him an inspiration, ducking his head a little. "I don't know that I can really take credit for just bringing out what was already there, but it's nice to hear. I'm glad I could help you like that."
"Without you, I never would have found it." And he believes that wholeheartedly. Some people wander into a person's life and they don't mean or matter much. That was not the case with Barry Allen.
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Date: 2018-10-22 11:56 pm (UTC)But there's a slip into something a little more real for a second. "Kinda always wanted to go to Paris." The idea of going alone is not exactly high on his list, and he isn't exactly going to ask anyone to be a tagalong because he doesn't know how to be a person on his own.
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Date: 2018-10-24 02:09 am (UTC)He's not entirely inviting himself, because that would be rude, but he's putting it out there as a possibility.
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Date: 2018-10-28 01:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-28 01:20 am (UTC)He'd probably spend most of it feeling guilty about leaving them to fend for themselves.
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Date: 2018-10-28 01:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-28 02:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-28 05:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-28 05:54 pm (UTC)It's a vicious cycle in his head, the level of obligation he feels to make things easier for everyone except himself. But maybe that's why fate saw that he needed a soulmate like Leonard.
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Date: 2018-10-28 06:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-28 06:47 pm (UTC)“I don’t know, I guess...it’s not just about that. It’s more...if I can’t be around to help people, what am I worth to them?”
That’s what it all boils down to, really. His sense of self-worth is entirely tangled up in his need to help people.
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Date: 2018-10-28 09:35 pm (UTC)"Barry..." This really wasn't how he thought grabbing coffee would go, but here they are. He isn't good at pep talks or things shaped like emotions, but for the people that fall onto his innermost circle, he tries. In his own, strange way. "I know what I'm about to say is a touch of stating the obvious and a lot easier said than done, but..." he pushes his coffee aside with a soft sigh. "Look, you can't... do that. You can't let other people control your self-worth." Even though he isn't exactly eager to tell the story, it definitely sounds like he's speaking from experience.
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Date: 2018-10-29 03:05 pm (UTC)He just doesn't see what else anyone would see in him.
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Date: 2018-10-29 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-30 03:19 pm (UTC)Because obviously he sees worth in him too, even if Barry doesn't know what that is.
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Date: 2018-12-05 12:42 am (UTC)"Look at it this way... if I'd never met you, I'd still be pulling bank jobs and jewelry heists. You are..." He closes his eyes, an amused smirk on his face, and shakes his head. "This sounds so stupid, but, you're an inspiration. You saw good in me when I had no reference for it at all."
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Date: 2018-12-05 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-12-13 04:04 am (UTC)