At least ninety percent of the time, Leonard has no idea what he wants out of life, except away from Lewis, with Lisa in tow.
And.
Mick Rory is supposed to be included and involved in whatever future that might exist for him. He knows it. Feels that deep down in his core, like a fact.
Except, figuring out how he's supposed to slot in, exactly, has proven....confusing at best. There are days when he and Mick are like the perfect reflections of each other, all the pieces and parts of one fit smoothly with the ones of the other and they work together like a well-oiled machine; other days, they're more like oil and water with Mick's impulses driving him more than anything and Leonard's near-desperate need for calculations.
Today has been normal enough. There's an easy slide of tension leaving his shoulders as he settles on the well-worn couch in Mick's place, which has become a solace of sorts whenever he can manage to slip away from under his father's thumb. Lisa's settled in the room in the back for a nap because Leonard was lucky today-- she is at a stage of hard-pressed disagreement about naps most days, but... she must have been extra tired because she only gave the slightest fuss when he suggested it earlier.
Leonard has been turning over the possible ways this conversation might go for days now, and he still isn't sure he's in the right place to want to have it. Or if he will ever be. Because the answer could be something he isn't looking for. Or something he doesn't want, at all. Maybe Mick doesn't see it-- him, them-- the same way.
It was a glacier-slow build in Leonard's head to that view, anyway. Three years ago, 14 years old and in juvie, he never would have dreamed it would be quite like this. And he absolutely has no clue how to start this conversation.
How, after all, do you tell your best friend you kinda think you're into him?
"Anything worth watching on tv?"
That probably is not how that conversation should start. But at least words managed to make their way out of his mouth, right?
There was never a question in Mick's mind that he was into Len. He'd known that since that first time they met. Admired the way he could think through everything, how good he looked. Everything about him made Mick want him. Except. Mick Rory was straight. He knew what happened to queers, between his dad and juvie he had heard horror stories. And he was sure as hell not going to get himself into that.
So he had pushed the thoughts of his best friend away, deciding to just stay friends. And ignoring the fact that half the time he woke up with a hardon it had been Len he'd dreamt of.
Now he settles on the couch with the six pack of beer he'd gotten them. His place wasn't great by any stretch. There's barely two rooms, the bedroom is honestly more of a closet, but it had a bed and Lisa seemed to like it. But it was cheap and it was his place, somewhere safe for Lisa and Len to come hang out. And that was what was important. He offers Len a beer and glances over at the TV.
"Heck if I know. I think there is a football match on. Want to order some food for later, you and Lisa could stay over if Lewis won't notice." Half the time he didn't after all.
Leonard grabs one of the beers from Mick's pack and sips at it. He wonders if the other guy has any clue actually how important he is to him?
"Yeah, we can definitely do that. He's supposed to be gone for a few days... maybe we can just stay here, til he gets back." If he sounds a twinge hopeful, it doesn't mean anything. He just loves every second of escape from that house he can garner. And when those seconds involve a whole lot more Mick Rory.... it's actually kind of his favorite.
"Of course you can. Though then we might want to get cereal for Lisa in the morning?" Mick was just as likely to start the day with a beer. Bad habits and all that. But he lights up at the thought of having Len to himself for a few days. Heck, just being in the same apartment for a while sounds nice. He clinks the beer against Len's and then wraps an arm around him and settles in to relax.
"Yeah, we'll get her something, it's not really a big deal." Lisa had learned from a far too early age that beggars can't be choosers and to eat whatever anyone shaped vaguely like an adult would give her.
He never feels more comfortable or safe than when he's here. Sometimes he wishes he was the kind of person that knew how to say things, but instead, he just sinks, completely relaxed, against Mick as his settles an arm around his shoulders. "It'll be good," he mumbles into the silence that passed between them. "a whole weekend here."
"Yeah?" Mick grins. "Maybe I need a bigger place. One where you and Lisa can have a room." For now, he will let the two of them have his bed and he'll take the couch. After all, he is pretty sure Len wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as him. That's just... No. Don't even allow yourself to think about that Mick. Just don't.
"You know what Lewis is doing? Should Lisa stay here a day extra?" Sometimes it helps Len to know that she is well out of harm's way. Then he kicks himself, ruining this moment. "Fuck it, let's not think about him." He grabs the remote to turn the tv on.
"Don't tell me you didn't know your couch is my favorite place to be." He teases him a little, tilting his head up to smirk at him.
He shrugs at the question, answering it anyway despite Mick's brush-off of the topic seconds later. "No clue. He's being shadier than usual about it. Hasn't really told me much... Guess he doesn't figure he needs me this time." Which is honestly just fine to Leonard. The less time around Lewis, the better.
"Sounds like him though." He grins though when Len says he prefers his place and his arm around Len tightens, stroking the other's shoulder absently. "You saying you'd rather stay on the couch than have your own bed? I'll remember that when we fight over who gets the bed." He grins.
He doesn't shy away from the touch; he doesn't twist or jerk, or seem to mind it at all. He laughs a little and shakes his head. "What, you don't think we could share? You that much of a bed hog, Mick?" The words come out of his mouth almost dripping with a taunting edge to them, like a dare he isn't quite ready to commit to, but still feels the need to put out in the universe anyway.
No, but if he sleeps next to Len he isn't sure he can keep his hands to himself. But he hears the dare there and fuck if he is backing down from a challenge. "We could. Is this you saying we're moving Lisa to the couch tonight and taking the bed?" Why not up the ante.
Mick never runs from a challenge, and maybe that's a little bit of why he just had to say it, why he isn't going to stop, even now. Even with that anxious flutter rising and settling in his chest as he considers it, and what it might mean-- or maybe it means nothing, but he doesn't let the doubt overtake the possibility. "And if I am?" He smirks, eyes bright and a little reckless.
Mick blinks at him, trying to process if Len actually means it or if it is just another part of this game of chicken they play. But he can't back down is what he decides on. "I guess that means I need a bigger bed." or they'll be cuddling. Shit, what if they end up cuddling. Mick is damn sure that if they do he'll end up with a hardon that will be hard to explain. But the thought of that, of Len that close makes his stomach tingle and he has to swallow, masking it with having some more beer.
"I snore." As if Len didn't know that already. But it is a way out that will offer both some dignity.
"I can deal with that," There's a sudden edge to his voice, like he's already made up his mind, that this absolutely, without a doubt, has to happen now. "if you can deal with me being a blanket thief."
Suddenly, the game takes a sharp turn directly into dealing with whatever any of it may actually mean. With only three words, Mick has managed to all but completely derail every part of this that was only a game, to push a little more just to see who would give first. Surprise. It was Mick. Except Leonard is definitely the more off-balance of the two, suddenly.
For longer than the beat, maybe two, that it should have been before he found the right off-hand quip to throw his way, Leonard is frozen, staring at Mick, nothing but that blinding, sharp feeling of CAUGHT running through his veins. And when he finds his voice again, his voice is soft, quiet, a nervous tint to it. He doesn't really know what to say, so it kind of comes out in a mess. "I- I don't... what- what do you mean?" Does he really have to put words to it? Can't Mick just do that thing he does where he almost seems to be able to read him like an open book?
It doesn't matter that, logically, Leonard knows that some things simply have to be put into words. Boundaries made, lines drawn, expectations laid out. He'd really rather the other thing. It's so much easier.
Len isn't the only one who feels caught in the moment. Mick just stares him back. Fuck Fuck FUCK! Len's onto him, of course Len is onto him. Len is far too smart. He takes a breath and then looks away. He tries to open his mouth to say something and suddenly he's frozen in fear. It feels like everything is riding on this. On him not fucking up this. Of course Len was just teasing, what else could he possibly mean, right?
He didn't push the point. He just...dropped it, completely.
Leonard blinks once, twice, before that really registers. Only when Mick's words touch his ears, and he feels the shift on the couch of him getting ready to stand, to leave, does it really click. He blinks and looks up, confusion mixed with surprise too clearly painted across his face. "Uh, yeah- yeah, that's fine."
Mick pauses when he sees that. And he owes Len an explanation. "Can we not joke about that?" He swallows. Fuck, this was exactly what he didn't want to happen. He didn't want to hurt Len or scare him away. What was he going to think if he knew? He was going to take Lisa and leave and where would they go then? Not to mention, Mick would be alone.
Then there was Len, all confused and Mick stomach is still tight from all the things that smile had done to him.
"I wouldn't keep my hands to myself if we were in the same bed." There, cat's out of the bag. And Mick stands there, half in shock himself that he actually said it.
"It wasn't a joke." The words roll out before he has time to think them through, and he realizes how true that fact is when it's hanging there in the space between them, waiting to be accepted. Rejected. Whichever direction it might go.
Except. Well. Mick's next words make that second option seem suddenly a lot less likely. There's almost a lift of tension out of him at hearing it because there's this borderline admission standing in the middle space between where Mick is standing, looking every bit as shocked and stunned as Leonard feels, and Leonard just stares up at him, half-bewildered, half-pleased.
"I don't think I'd mind so much." If not for the heavy-serious weight of the words, it would almost sound like a joke, just another quip to cast off all the three-and-counting years of building, building, building tension between them. But as it is, it's not a joke at all, but his own sort of admission, too.
A sudden flurry of movement, Leonard shifts in his seat on the couch, one leg folded under him, the other with his foot on the floor, bouncing with all the nerves rushing through him with the words he's about to say. He doesn't say words, he doesn't do this, it's unnerving, but Mick deserves at least this much, to understand, to know this is maybe exactly how it looks, now.
"I've never-- I mean, you know.... people, they don't really show up on my radar. I don't care, because they don't really catch my attention. But...you have. You've always existed in this space above other people, this-- priority I can't really ever let go of, even when I'm not here." He's been talking mostly to the rest of the room until now, staring pointedly up at Mick, desperation clouding his eyes as he really, really, needs the older boy to be able to make sense of all that rambled mess. "D'you get... what I'm saying?"
Mick blinks. This was not what he had expected at all. He had expected Len to laugh or storm out or tell him to forget about it. Not to... basically admit he feels the same way. At least that is what Mick thinks he is saying. Mick's heart skips a beat or two as his brain starts rebooting. Len feels the same way. Fuck. He has no idea what to do with this information.
Well, his mind doesn't, but the rest of him does. Mick reaches out to pull Len in, his grip gentle like he is terrified of breaking Len, or breaking this moment. Then he leans down to kiss him. It is a sloppy nervous kiss but a kiss none the less.
There is no resistance, even in the confusion temporarily spilling across his face, as Mick tugs him up and toward him, leaning until his lips are against Leonard's-- and that's when everything shuts down. All thoughts are gone as his senses are invaded in ways, truth be told, he's never bothered to experience. He presses somehow closer, and up, onto his toes, to return that messiest of first kisses.
Mick kisses him as long as he can on that one breath and then he only pulls back about an inch. "I've wanted to do that for years." He admits. Because if there is anyone who deserves to know he is wanted it is Len. "Shit, fuck, what do we do now."
"Really?" The shock of that admission is plainly painted across his face, unable to be ignored, especially from so close. "Years?" his echo of the word is borderline incredulous, like he can't fathom anyone harboring such desires for him for such a long time.
At the question, he's uncertain, his shoulders rolling in a shrug. "I don't know."
Mick nods. Then he shrugs a little. "I'll go get us food. I..." Part of him is terrified that if he leaves Len won't be here when he gets back. On the other hand, what if he is. That idea scares Mick almost as much as the idea of him not being there.
He blinks at that sudden shift in his words. "I-- what? N-no, why-- why would we do that?" Leonard isn't usually one to trip over his words, or appear anything less than far more put together on the outside than he may ever feel on the inside, but Mick has always sort of managed to get him off his normal footing.
Mick bites his lip. "If you... If you don't want this I mean." He's obviously nervous about it. "I... I'd much rather have you as my friend than you being uncomfortable with this. I just... I'll get over it if you need me to." Because why would Len want to be with him after all.
For a second, all he can do is stare, like maybe he missed some vital social cue he was trying to sort out suddenly. Then, deciding it wasn't that and this was Mick being Mick about things, he blinks. Twice. And frowns. "You heard all of that, before, right? With the-- radars and the attention-catching?"
He rolls his lips together, debating the best, next words he wants to tumble out of his mouth. He's flying on some kind of high that is part-panic, part-elation, and all the mess of good-and-bad nerves makes it hard to focus, but he wants Mick to really hear him. "Mick, you... you're the only person on this entire fucking planet besides my sister that I give a shit about, okay? And-- you're important to me, and I don't know what kind of shape that is going to take, but I know that whatever it is, I wanna figure it out. With you."
This might be the first, and last, time they ever talk even at the edges of feelings. But if it quells whatever wild doubts are raging wars in the back of Mick's mind right now, Leonard's okay with that.
Mick licks his lips and then he reaches out to pull Len close and kiss him hard again. He isn't sure what he wants to say, all he knows is that right now, he wants Len, and Len is all but giving him permission to want him. The kiss is hard and rough and desperate and Mick moves so soon enough Len's pinned between him and the wall and Mick's kisses are shifting to trail down his neck.
He wanted to take it slow, to give Len time, to give himself time. But now he just wants this and he doesn't want to stop, but he forces himself to at least pause, one hand on Len's hip as he pulls back enough to look at him. "This ok?"
Somehow, Leonard is still surprised by the action, even if it makes more sense than almost anything else might have-- Mick is far more of a 'show, don't tell' kind of person. Still, surprise aside, Leonard curls into him, kissing him back, soft and tentative at first, some part of him still trying to feel this out. Except it takes a sharp turn when Mick pins him against the wall, an eagerness he couldn't have anticipated making his kiss rougher and hungrier.
"Yeah," He nods at the question, breathless but fervent.
Mick doesn't say anything after that, instead, his hands and lips are back on Len. He nips at Len's neck and then pulls at his shirt. He knows he should probably take it slower but he's been wanting this for too long and right now the thought of Len pressed against him is intoxicating.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
{No one ever told me the right words to say » younger days/teen years
Date: 2019-01-14 03:24 am (UTC)And.
Mick Rory is supposed to be included and involved in whatever future that might exist for him. He knows it. Feels that deep down in his core, like a fact.
Except, figuring out how he's supposed to slot in, exactly, has proven....confusing at best. There are days when he and Mick are like the perfect reflections of each other, all the pieces and parts of one fit smoothly with the ones of the other and they work together like a well-oiled machine; other days, they're more like oil and water with Mick's impulses driving him more than anything and Leonard's near-desperate need for calculations.
Today has been normal enough. There's an easy slide of tension leaving his shoulders as he settles on the well-worn couch in Mick's place, which has become a solace of sorts whenever he can manage to slip away from under his father's thumb. Lisa's settled in the room in the back for a nap because Leonard was lucky today-- she is at a stage of hard-pressed disagreement about naps most days, but... she must have been extra tired because she only gave the slightest fuss when he suggested it earlier.
Leonard has been turning over the possible ways this conversation might go for days now, and he still isn't sure he's in the right place to want to have it. Or if he will ever be. Because the answer could be something he isn't looking for. Or something he doesn't want, at all. Maybe Mick doesn't see it-- him, them-- the same way.
It was a glacier-slow build in Leonard's head to that view, anyway. Three years ago, 14 years old and in juvie, he never would have dreamed it would be quite like this. And he absolutely has no clue how to start this conversation.
How, after all, do you tell your best friend you kinda think you're into him?
"Anything worth watching on tv?"
That probably is not how that conversation should start. But at least words managed to make their way out of his mouth, right?
no subject
Date: 2019-01-16 01:11 pm (UTC)So he had pushed the thoughts of his best friend away, deciding to just stay friends. And ignoring the fact that half the time he woke up with a hardon it had been Len he'd dreamt of.
Now he settles on the couch with the six pack of beer he'd gotten them. His place wasn't great by any stretch. There's barely two rooms, the bedroom is honestly more of a closet, but it had a bed and Lisa seemed to like it. But it was cheap and it was his place, somewhere safe for Lisa and Len to come hang out. And that was what was important. He offers Len a beer and glances over at the TV.
"Heck if I know. I think there is a football match on. Want to order some food for later, you and Lisa could stay over if Lewis won't notice." Half the time he didn't after all.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-21 04:08 am (UTC)"Yeah, we can definitely do that. He's supposed to be gone for a few days... maybe we can just stay here, til he gets back." If he sounds a twinge hopeful, it doesn't mean anything. He just loves every second of escape from that house he can garner. And when those seconds involve a whole lot more Mick Rory.... it's actually kind of his favorite.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-21 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-21 05:23 pm (UTC)He never feels more comfortable or safe than when he's here. Sometimes he wishes he was the kind of person that knew how to say things, but instead, he just sinks, completely relaxed, against Mick as his settles an arm around his shoulders. "It'll be good," he mumbles into the silence that passed between them. "a whole weekend here."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-21 06:34 pm (UTC)"You know what Lewis is doing? Should Lisa stay here a day extra?" Sometimes it helps Len to know that she is well out of harm's way. Then he kicks himself, ruining this moment. "Fuck it, let's not think about him." He grabs the remote to turn the tv on.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-21 07:56 pm (UTC)He shrugs at the question, answering it anyway despite Mick's brush-off of the topic seconds later. "No clue. He's being shadier than usual about it. Hasn't really told me much... Guess he doesn't figure he needs me this time." Which is honestly just fine to Leonard. The less time around Lewis, the better.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-21 08:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-21 10:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 11:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 11:52 am (UTC)"I snore." As if Len didn't know that already. But it is a way out that will offer both some dignity.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 12:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 12:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 12:31 pm (UTC)For longer than the beat, maybe two, that it should have been before he found the right off-hand quip to throw his way, Leonard is frozen, staring at Mick, nothing but that blinding, sharp feeling of CAUGHT running through his veins. And when he finds his voice again, his voice is soft, quiet, a nervous tint to it. He doesn't really know what to say, so it kind of comes out in a mess. "I- I don't... what- what do you mean?" Does he really have to put words to it? Can't Mick just do that thing he does where he almost seems to be able to read him like an open book?
It doesn't matter that, logically, Leonard knows that some things simply have to be put into words. Boundaries made, lines drawn, expectations laid out. He'd really rather the other thing. It's so much easier.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 12:44 pm (UTC)"I am going to go get us food, same as usual?"
no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 01:03 pm (UTC)He didn't push the point. He just...dropped it, completely.
Leonard blinks once, twice, before that really registers. Only when Mick's words touch his ears, and he feels the shift on the couch of him getting ready to stand, to leave, does it really click. He blinks and looks up, confusion mixed with surprise too clearly painted across his face. "Uh, yeah- yeah, that's fine."
no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 02:03 pm (UTC)Then there was Len, all confused and Mick stomach is still tight from all the things that smile had done to him.
"I wouldn't keep my hands to myself if we were in the same bed." There, cat's out of the bag. And Mick stands there, half in shock himself that he actually said it.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-22 03:41 pm (UTC)Except. Well. Mick's next words make that second option seem suddenly a lot less likely. There's almost a lift of tension out of him at hearing it because there's this borderline admission standing in the middle space between where Mick is standing, looking every bit as shocked and stunned as Leonard feels, and Leonard just stares up at him, half-bewildered, half-pleased.
"I don't think I'd mind so much." If not for the heavy-serious weight of the words, it would almost sound like a joke, just another quip to cast off all the three-and-counting years of building, building, building tension between them. But as it is, it's not a joke at all, but his own sort of admission, too.
A sudden flurry of movement, Leonard shifts in his seat on the couch, one leg folded under him, the other with his foot on the floor, bouncing with all the nerves rushing through him with the words he's about to say. He doesn't say words, he doesn't do this, it's unnerving, but Mick deserves at least this much, to understand, to know this is maybe exactly how it looks, now.
"I've never-- I mean, you know.... people, they don't really show up on my radar. I don't care, because they don't really catch my attention. But...you have. You've always existed in this space above other people, this-- priority I can't really ever let go of, even when I'm not here." He's been talking mostly to the rest of the room until now, staring pointedly up at Mick, desperation clouding his eyes as he really, really, needs the older boy to be able to make sense of all that rambled mess. "D'you get... what I'm saying?"
no subject
Date: 2019-01-24 08:01 pm (UTC)Well, his mind doesn't, but the rest of him does. Mick reaches out to pull Len in, his grip gentle like he is terrified of breaking Len, or breaking this moment. Then he leans down to kiss him. It is a sloppy nervous kiss but a kiss none the less.
no subject
Date: 2019-01-29 09:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-02 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-05 03:58 pm (UTC)At the question, he's uncertain, his shoulders rolling in a shrug. "I don't know."
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 07:11 pm (UTC)"We can forget all about this if you want."
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Date: 2019-02-12 01:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-13 06:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-02-18 05:56 am (UTC)He rolls his lips together, debating the best, next words he wants to tumble out of his mouth. He's flying on some kind of high that is part-panic, part-elation, and all the mess of good-and-bad nerves makes it hard to focus, but he wants Mick to really hear him. "Mick, you... you're the only person on this entire fucking planet besides my sister that I give a shit about, okay? And-- you're important to me, and I don't know what kind of shape that is going to take, but I know that whatever it is, I wanna figure it out. With you."
This might be the first, and last, time they ever talk even at the edges of feelings. But if it quells whatever wild doubts are raging wars in the back of Mick's mind right now, Leonard's okay with that.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-18 09:52 am (UTC)He wanted to take it slow, to give Len time, to give himself time. But now he just wants this and he doesn't want to stop, but he forces himself to at least pause, one hand on Len's hip as he pulls back enough to look at him. "This ok?"
no subject
Date: 2019-02-19 03:31 am (UTC)"Yeah," He nods at the question, breathless but fervent.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-19 05:17 am (UTC)