He smiles a little, "Yeah... I hope so." There have been moments in the past he wasn't convinced he would, that he could be bothered to keep trying, keep going. Living was the hardest part of life, and surrounded by the ones that had escaped that pain, that grief, that sorrow-- it made it hard to deny the appeal sometimes. It isn't so much that Klaus is or ever exactly was outright suicidal-- but he has never had much preservation for his sense of self. He never sought death out specifically, but if he died, he wouldn't be too banged up about it because most of the time, it was just a miracle he managed to make it to his next birthday anyway.
But it's those kind of thoughts that make all of this matter so much more. The idea of help and support, of people being there to check in or to care matters more than he knows how to put words to. More than he emotionally knows how to handle, which is probably why he's hiding his face further against his brother's side, trying to not completely break down but unable to keep a few sobs and tears unchecked.
"Sorry, I...." he sits up and swipes his thumbs under his eyes and roughly across his cheeks. "I'm good," he mutters, sitting up straighter than is natural, as if to convince himself he's fine now.
"Hey--" He has no idea what's going on in Klaus' head, what he's torturing himself with or considering, and maybe if he did... he'd be even more worried. As it is, he just watches as his brother straightens up after sobbing against him, insists he's fine with some worry.
He's not dumb enough to just buy that.
Not when Klaus is still scrubbing at his face and sounds like he's trying to convince himself half as much as he's trying to convince Luther at least.
He thought Klaus was carefree. He'd always envied him, honestly. Wished he could be like him. Seems like he was blind to a lot of things. He shifts forward after a moment, reaches out to try to settle his arm back around him. "It's fine-- you can cry. Or talk."
Or whatever he needs really, as long as it's not drugs or alcohol.
He settles easily against Luther again when he slides his arm around him again. It's the kind of comfort he craves, but is rarely afforded when he needs it, so he sinks into having it right now.
"I'm so tired of crying." he admits quietly with a soft huff that doesn't have any mirth in it to make it anything like a laugh, more than a shadow of one. "And for once, I really don't know what to say." That does make him laugh. The kind of unbidden thing that takes over everything once it starts, collapsing him into a full-blown giggle. "Fu-uuuck." he groans into his hands, which are now covering his face and slowly dragging down across his eyes.
He squeezes Klaus carefully when he leans back in against him, rubbing a hand against his shoulder in a way that he hopes Klaus will appreciate it.
"It's fine... don't talk then. We can sit here like this." He gives a short, tight smile when he looks down at his brother. " I guess I was really wrong about you being the carefree one, wasn't I?"
Klaus doesn't mind it at all, and he'll soak up every bit of it. He's sore from the toll that detox has taken on his body, so he absolutely welcomes anything that might work out a few kinks.
"I'm no good at silences either... Silence gives the ghosts space to scream." If it weren't so literal and true, it might be poetic, but as it is, it's just sort of upsetting to think about-- all those late night crashes into siblings' rooms when they were young, begging to be paid attention to, listened to, heard, so he could at least distract himself if not completely escape the spirits that chase him. Ben probably suffered the most for that particular habit, though.
He manages a small, tired smile. "Just a little." he lifts one hand and pinches his fingers close together before letting it fall back into his lap again a moment later. "It's.. an act, you know? Fake it til you make it...except I'm not Allison, and my wishes don't come true just because I want it really hard. But I guess I got pretty good at it, anyway...it was an easy mask to wear."
"Ar there ghosts around now?" He's looking around the room like he'll ever hope to see them. At least now he understands it a bit better-- maybe understands Klaus a little. Or at least he's trying, not wanting to dismiss.
"I'm... sorry. It must have been a lot to deal with, growing up with ghosts, with..." Their father. With everything. Everything Luther brushed off as being Klaus or let himself be annoyed by when he should have been stopping and thinking about the reasons behind the demands for attention, behind the habits he'd picked up over the years.
He shakes his head at the question, "Not right now... it's the worst at night." he admits, unable to stop the tiny quirk upward of one corner of his mouth when Luther glances around like he might catch a glimpse of one. Klaus knows he's trying, they all are in their own ways, trying to be better with each other.
"Yeah," he sighs the word out. "but it doesn't... it doesn't excuse anything. I could have...I could have made different choices." They all could have, a million times over, but they didn't and now here they are, broken, jagged messes all in their own ways.
"I'm scared, Luther..." he admits quietly, sounding so much younger than he is suddenly. "I don't wanna fuck this up... but if I can't find some way to control it, I--" he fidgets nervously with his own fingers, staring down at his lap. He wants this so much more than he ever has any other time something or someone else had forced his hand into sobriety, but Klaus is terrified wanting it won't be enough.
"Oh, right..." He's not sure why that'd be, but Klaus is the one who can communicate with the dead. He figures he' probably an expert on when they're the loudest.
"We could have all made different choices. We can't go back and undo things now... we can only try to move forward." And make better choices, be better to each other. It isn't going to be easy and he's pretty sure they're all going to make so many more mistakes along the way.
At that confession though, he brings up his hand to rest against the top of Klaus' head. "You'll find a way. You'll figure it out. Look at what you've already been able to do with Ben."
Klaus would hardly call himself an expert at anything, except maybe screwing things up, but there is a bit of an ebb and flow in when the spirits scream the loudest. He supposes it's just easier at night, somehow.
"I know," he mutters quietly, wishing everything about those words didn't feel so...heavy.
A small smile traces his lips. "Well, I'm glad somebody thinks so, 'cuz sometimes I'm not sure I will."
"Just-- trust me. I believe you can do it, Klaus." Maybe he doesn't need the extra pressure of expectations, but Luther want him to know he has faith in him, whatever else is going on. It won't be easy. None of it's easy, but--
They've all come through so much, haven't they? They can make it through one more thing.
"You don't have to be sure all the time either. That's what we're all here for... to help you when you're not. It's why I'm here. Or why I hope to be here."
That kind of blatantly-stated belief in Klaus' own abilities to stick this out sinks down into his chest and blooms, warm and bright, there. Even earns a genuine, if small and wan, smile. "Thanks, Luther." He's not sure how often, if ever, he's even ever heard those words directed toward him. He wasn't the one that people believed in-- he was the one they were disappointed with.
"Just feels wrong..." he admits quietly, rolling one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "asking you and the others to... it's not your-- I don't know, responsibility or whatever, you know? It's on me and..." He's so unused to having help available, and has never been much in the habit of asking for it anyway.
"I'm your brother." And maybe he hasn't been the brother he should have been. Maybe he's still nowhere near what he should be, but... it's the thing they're all working on, isn't it? The one thing they can work at changing now.
"I understand where you're coming from, but I'm offering this because I want to. It's not a responsibility you're forcing on me or anyone else." Maybe if he'd gotten help along the way... maybe things could be different now.
But what-ifs don't matter, or fix anything. They can only go forward from here.
"I know... But..." He sighs softly at the end of the abandoned attempt of words, running a hand through his hair, resting at the back of his neck for a moment. "Nevermind. I don't know, just--" He waves his free hand dismissively.
"Thanks, Luther." he mumbles quietly, leaning heavily into his brother's side, suddenly feeling exhausted again. "I'm gonna be glad when this part's over."
He hesitates for a moment before he settles an arm around Klaus again, keeping him pressed in close. He rubs his hand over his shoulder lightly. Hopefully it's soothing, or something like that.
"You don't have to thank me." He's not sure he's helped a lot anyway, but he hopes he has at least. "How long does it usually take?"
This helps probably far more than Luther realizes. Everything aches, so the hand running against his shoulder is a welcome sort of relief, and Klaus gets more comfort from touch than words any day.
"The worst part is over in a few days... it tapers off and... then the really hard part starts." he admits, his voice soft with a rough edge of stress in the underlayer of it all. "I think, um... I think the ghosts might be back either tonight or tomorrow at some point."
"What are the really hard parts?" He'd like to know what to expect. He'd like to be able to figure it out and help Klaus deal with it if he can. Hopefully he can. Even if not, he can at least offer his company for as long as Klaus will have it.
"Dealing with everything sober." he admits quietly, and there's an edge of shame in that admission. He isn't proud of the life he's been leading all these years, it was just the only way he knew how to handle it all. He spent all those years so terrified of his powers that he never learned anything about them, not really. So he didn't have any kind of grip on it, and maybe he could send the ghosts away, call on them when he wants them around instead of being incessantly screamed and pawed at. But he never got the chance to find out because of the fear leading him to the only way he'd found that would truly shut it all down.
"I'm scared. Not... Not just of what I'll see. And hear. That too, but..." His eyes flood with tears he can't stop from tracking down his cheeks. "I'm weak, Luther. I- I'm not- I don't... I don't trust myself not to just go down the same, old beaten path I've been down all these years." He takes in a deep, shaky breath, trying to keep himself even and clam so he doesn't fall into a sobbing mess over this. "I want it to be different, but I'm scared that's not enough."
"Hey--" Luther starts with a bit of surprise as Klaus goes on to confess. His hand comes up to brush through his hair again, pushing it back before he moves to try to wipe the tears falling down his cheeks. "You have us-- you have me this time. You'll be fine."
Or at least he hopes he is. He wants to believe that he will be, some way. "We're all trying to figure out how to be... better. Be different. We're figuring it out as we go, right?"
... and by making some terrible choices, but Luther is trying to not dwell on those, particularly at the moment.
He takes in a shuddering breath as Luther swipes the tears away from his face. He sniffles a little and nods, "Yeah... yeah, I know. ...You really think- think I'll be able to do it?" He's gone to rehab several times through the years, to the point that some of the local places have staff that are on a first name basis with him, but he'd never had anyone around to care. Stick to it, or fall back into the same trap as always, it didn't matter because no one was there to care.
He nods again at the next part, "Yeah... yeah, we are. We'll-- we can stick together, and be better. Right? We can..."
"I do," he answers after a moment, reassuring. He brings up a hand to push through Klaus', ruffling it lightly.
"We'll make everything better. We'll do better. You just have to believe that, right?" Because they're going to fail along the way, all of them probably... and they'll probably all hurt each other some more, but that doesn't matter if they keep trying to do better, if they figure out how to work around it.
He smiles a little at the action, playfully batting his brother's hand away. He nods a little, "Yeah... yeah, that's a start." Believing it, that is. If they all move in that direction it has to get better eventually, right?
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cw; allusions to suicidal ideation
Date: 2019-04-10 03:28 am (UTC)But it's those kind of thoughts that make all of this matter so much more. The idea of help and support, of people being there to check in or to care matters more than he knows how to put words to. More than he emotionally knows how to handle, which is probably why he's hiding his face further against his brother's side, trying to not completely break down but unable to keep a few sobs and tears unchecked.
"Sorry, I...." he sits up and swipes his thumbs under his eyes and roughly across his cheeks. "I'm good," he mutters, sitting up straighter than is natural, as if to convince himself he's fine now.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-10 08:40 am (UTC)He's not dumb enough to just buy that.
Not when Klaus is still scrubbing at his face and sounds like he's trying to convince himself half as much as he's trying to convince Luther at least.
He thought Klaus was carefree. He'd always envied him, honestly. Wished he could be like him. Seems like he was blind to a lot of things. He shifts forward after a moment, reaches out to try to settle his arm back around him. "It's fine-- you can cry. Or talk."
Or whatever he needs really, as long as it's not drugs or alcohol.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-11 03:31 am (UTC)"I'm so tired of crying." he admits quietly with a soft huff that doesn't have any mirth in it to make it anything like a laugh, more than a shadow of one. "And for once, I really don't know what to say." That does make him laugh. The kind of unbidden thing that takes over everything once it starts, collapsing him into a full-blown giggle. "Fu-uuuck." he groans into his hands, which are now covering his face and slowly dragging down across his eyes.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-14 05:56 am (UTC)"It's fine... don't talk then. We can sit here like this." He gives a short, tight smile when he looks down at his brother. " I guess I was really wrong about you being the carefree one, wasn't I?"
no subject
Date: 2019-04-14 12:50 pm (UTC)"I'm no good at silences either... Silence gives the ghosts space to scream." If it weren't so literal and true, it might be poetic, but as it is, it's just sort of upsetting to think about-- all those late night crashes into siblings' rooms when they were young, begging to be paid attention to, listened to, heard, so he could at least distract himself if not completely escape the spirits that chase him. Ben probably suffered the most for that particular habit, though.
He manages a small, tired smile. "Just a little." he lifts one hand and pinches his fingers close together before letting it fall back into his lap again a moment later. "It's.. an act, you know? Fake it til you make it...except I'm not Allison, and my wishes don't come true just because I want it really hard. But I guess I got pretty good at it, anyway...it was an easy mask to wear."
no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 08:08 am (UTC)"I'm... sorry. It must have been a lot to deal with, growing up with ghosts, with..." Their father. With everything. Everything Luther brushed off as being Klaus or let himself be annoyed by when he should have been stopping and thinking about the reasons behind the demands for attention, behind the habits he'd picked up over the years.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-15 11:57 am (UTC)"Yeah," he sighs the word out. "but it doesn't... it doesn't excuse anything. I could have...I could have made different choices." They all could have, a million times over, but they didn't and now here they are, broken, jagged messes all in their own ways.
"I'm scared, Luther..." he admits quietly, sounding so much younger than he is suddenly. "I don't wanna fuck this up... but if I can't find some way to control it, I--" he fidgets nervously with his own fingers, staring down at his lap. He wants this so much more than he ever has any other time something or someone else had forced his hand into sobriety, but Klaus is terrified wanting it won't be enough.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 06:25 am (UTC)"We could have all made different choices. We can't go back and undo things now... we can only try to move forward." And make better choices, be better to each other. It isn't going to be easy and he's pretty sure they're all going to make so many more mistakes along the way.
At that confession though, he brings up his hand to rest against the top of Klaus' head. "You'll find a way. You'll figure it out. Look at what you've already been able to do with Ben."
no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 12:39 pm (UTC)"I know," he mutters quietly, wishing everything about those words didn't feel so...heavy.
A small smile traces his lips. "Well, I'm glad somebody thinks so, 'cuz sometimes I'm not sure I will."
no subject
Date: 2019-04-21 06:35 am (UTC)They've all come through so much, haven't they? They can make it through one more thing.
"You don't have to be sure all the time either. That's what we're all here for... to help you when you're not. It's why I'm here. Or why I hope to be here."
no subject
Date: 2019-04-23 04:19 am (UTC)"Just feels wrong..." he admits quietly, rolling one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "asking you and the others to... it's not your-- I don't know, responsibility or whatever, you know? It's on me and..." He's so unused to having help available, and has never been much in the habit of asking for it anyway.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-10 05:59 am (UTC)"I understand where you're coming from, but I'm offering this because I want to. It's not a responsibility you're forcing on me or anyone else." Maybe if he'd gotten help along the way... maybe things could be different now.
But what-ifs don't matter, or fix anything. They can only go forward from here.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-15 03:56 am (UTC)"Thanks, Luther." he mumbles quietly, leaning heavily into his brother's side, suddenly feeling exhausted again. "I'm gonna be glad when this part's over."
no subject
Date: 2019-05-15 06:51 am (UTC)"You don't have to thank me." He's not sure he's helped a lot anyway, but he hopes he has at least. "How long does it usually take?"
no subject
Date: 2019-05-17 02:19 am (UTC)"The worst part is over in a few days... it tapers off and... then the really hard part starts." he admits, his voice soft with a rough edge of stress in the underlayer of it all. "I think, um... I think the ghosts might be back either tonight or tomorrow at some point."
no subject
Date: 2019-05-27 07:21 am (UTC)"How do you feel about that? the ghosts, I mean."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-01 01:22 am (UTC)"I'm scared. Not... Not just of what I'll see. And hear. That too, but..." His eyes flood with tears he can't stop from tracking down his cheeks. "I'm weak, Luther. I- I'm not- I don't... I don't trust myself not to just go down the same, old beaten path I've been down all these years." He takes in a deep, shaky breath, trying to keep himself even and clam so he doesn't fall into a sobbing mess over this. "I want it to be different, but I'm scared that's not enough."
no subject
Date: 2019-06-03 07:49 am (UTC)Or at least he hopes he is. He wants to believe that he will be, some way. "We're all trying to figure out how to be... better. Be different. We're figuring it out as we go, right?"
... and by making some terrible choices, but Luther is trying to not dwell on those, particularly at the moment.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-24 07:30 pm (UTC)He nods again at the next part, "Yeah... yeah, we are. We'll-- we can stick together, and be better. Right? We can..."
no subject
Date: 2019-07-03 06:58 am (UTC)"We'll make everything better. We'll do better. You just have to believe that, right?" Because they're going to fail along the way, all of them probably... and they'll probably all hurt each other some more, but that doesn't matter if they keep trying to do better, if they figure out how to work around it.
end?
Date: 2019-07-08 03:44 pm (UTC)I think so! Awesome thread <:
Date: 2019-07-13 07:43 am (UTC)It's a start, one they're all making... and hopefully sticking to.