"Fair enough," she says quietly, though that is some...interesting tidbits about God that she'll ask about later when Klaus seems to be less in crisis. And when she found the idea of chatting with God less immediately existentially terrifying.
"I mean. Look, I'm not good at this, but -- if you're worried you're gonna fuck up, you haven't. You're sober now, right? Even if it sucks a lot, you are, even though it sucks."
"Yeah... yeah, for now, anyway." Sorry, Vanya. He really isn't in the right frame of mind to bother with optimism for himself when all he can think about is doing what he knows will work to shut the spirits out. "One day at a time." he rolls his eyes and laughs, a humorless, tired kind of thing that lasted beyond its use for a handful of seconds. "One hour. One minute. One second. God, this sucks." he admits, tilting himself until he's on his side on the bed, knees drawn up toward his chest, his face hidden in his hands.
He knows, ultimately, part of his problem is being too tired to even pretend to function. The last few days have been such an onslaught with the Dead that he hasn't really gotten much in the way of sleep. Lacking sleep never does him any favors, least of all in a state of cold sobriety. "I'm so tired, V." There's a request burning a hole at the end of his tongue, but he isn't sure he should ask it-- is even less certain whether she might agree to it or not, and he doesn't really feel like wrestling with the possibility of rejection right now.
"I mean, that's pretty justified," she says. "You've got plenty of reason to be exhausted." Really, after everything going on, being tired of all the shit around them was practically required. If they'd all decided to collapse into a decade-long nap after the week they'd had, she wouldn't blink an eye at it.
And she does get why he might not be feeling too hopeful. Optimism isn't her strong suit, either, truth be told. The closest thing she'd had to a positive outlook was when Leonard had shown up and, well, look how that went.
"Aren't you?" he pulls his hands down and peeks up at her from his spot curled up on the bed. How could anyone not be, after everything they'd been through?
At that, she seems to lose some of her nerve, shrinking in on herself. When Klaus looks at her, she turns her head away, shrugging slightly and glancing down at the floor.
"I mean, yeah," she answers, her voice practically a mumble. "I just, I don't know, I don't think I've got much right to complain right now."
"Hey," he mumbles, reaching one hand up to try to grab some part of her-- sleeve, wrist, fingers, whatever. "you're allowed. I think maybe more than anyone, at this point." He's pretty sure being that full of rage would tend to make a person a kind of soul-deep tired that couldn't even really be put into words.
She smiles a little, at the words, at the touch, at the way he's trying to be reassuring, but there is still something bittersweet to her expression. "I blew up the moon, Klaus," she says quietly, her self-loathing leaking into every syllable. "I almost got all of us killed, you included. Whining about it now is just rude."
"I don't care." he threads his fingers through hers, when she doesn't seem to object to the touch. "Trauma and torture aren't competitions to be won, V... one person's suffering isn't any bigger or worse than another's.. that's not how it works." his thumb slides in an easy, smooth line against the side of her hand.
Vanya shakes her head slowly, but she doesn't resist holding his hand. If anything, she holds on tighter than she means to, grateful for the contact all the same. She doesn't really understand why Klaus is being so forgiving to her after everything that happened, but she'd be lying if she said it didn't mean a lot to her.
"Maybe. But I'm the reason everyone else was suffering," she says. "Everyone was stressing out over the apocalypse, about nearly dying. Five got stuck alone with nobody but Delores for thirty years. Allison thought she'd never see her kid again. All of that was because of me."
"But we didn't know it was going to be you... it could have been anything. That's the thing about mysteries, you usually don't know the answer 'til it's too late." He supposes that's not the most comforting set of words he could have come up with, but it still applies.
"We can't change what happened, V...but we can do it different moving forward." Which is what he wants, more than anything, it's why he's been putting himself through the hell that is detox-- and the dead.
"Maybe. Maybe, I don't know," she says, gripping Klaus' hand all the more tightly even as she stares down at the ground still. Nothing really makes sense for her anymore, nothing really feels stable, and all she can think is that it's her fault, that if she'd been better or at least in control, this wouldn't be how it was. "I mean, the only reason it worked out is because Five knew what to do. If he didn't, we'd all be dead, and none of it would matter."
The way she keeps squeezing his hand, so tight it hurts-- but not enough to make him ask her to stop-- just says a world of things to him about how much she's hurting, how much she's blaming herself for everything that happened, how desperately she needs someone to help her shoulder the weight of it all.
He untangles his fingers from hers, only long enough to pull himself into a sitting position, and then he repositions his fingers in hers. "But he did, and we're not, and it does, V." He tugs her gently toward him, giving her little choice in the matter of wrapping his arms around her, tugging her toward his chest. His free hand finds the path toward her hair, where he cards his fingers through her hair.
Vanya doesn't resist the hug, letting herself be tugged into it without pulling away. She feels awkward for a moment -- hadn't she been trying to help Klaus? Had she made it all about her? -- but still, it was reassuring to have that easy, warm embrace.
After a second or two, her arms wind around Klaus' back, squeezing him a little. "Thanks, Klaus," she says, voice quiet and slightly muffled.
He's really glad she doesn't fight him-- he would have let her go if she'd chosen that way, but he prefers this so much more. Mousy little sister, curling up against him and squeezing him in thanks for the simplest of actions. But then that's part of what made all of this explode quite the way it did, isn't it? Vanya didn't have the little things, for so long.
"I love you... you know that, right? I mean-- I'm shit at showing it, and showing up, and existing, half the time, but..." He shrugs a little, like that finishes the thought.
Klaus prefers focusing on her, and her damage, and her sorrows because his feel too consuming to even look at or think about yet. There's a whole house full of boxes left to unpack about the way everything has happened and spiraled and led them to this second.
She smiles at that, wide and grateful and a little overwhelmed, enough that a lot of the concern in her face seems to fade away for a moment. "Love you too, Klaus," she says, seeming almost sheepish, even if the words are absolutely sincere. Giving him another little squeeze, she says, "You show it fine. I mean, I don't think any of us ever learned to say this stuff like normal people. So we do the best we can with what we've got."
"Yeah," he says in a breathless not-quite-a-laugh, shaking his head. "I guess that's true, and look at the role model we had-- who can even blame us for being maladjusted, right?" He shifts a little and tugs her with him, so they can curl up on the bed.
"Do you remember... when we were kids... you were the only one that believed me, at first. About the ghosts." The barest of frowns creases his forehead and he tips his head a little to look down at her, "Why did you believe me?"
"I remember," she says, tilting her head, looking a little more thoughtful at that. She does remember, in that vague way that childhood memories often become. Vanya can remember bits and pieces, the way Klaus had seemed so frightened, and the way their father had seemed so cold, and how the others had seemed dismissive for reasons she didn't understand.
"I don't think I thought about it too much," she says after a moment, frowning slightly. "You just seemed like you were telling the truth, so I believed you.
"I know... we were little and didn't really have the capacity or whatever to--" he waves one hand vaguely. "But I don't know if you realize... I mean-- just having somebody believe me and not blow it off like I was making jokes or being stupid or whatever meant a lot."
He huffs out a sigh and rolls his eyes at himself. "Too little, too late, right? But... still." Maybe it isn't nothing, maybe even if it's too many years to count too late it's still good to hear things like that.
Vanya smiles at that, a little fonder and a little more reassuring in the way she wears it. "I get it. I mean, I think I do," she says, shrugging a little. "It's nice to be believed in."
She glances down for a second, tucking her hair behind her ear even as the words she follows with are said with a little more strength in them. Quiet, but certain, she says, "If you need someone to believe you, if stuff gets hard, you can still rely on me, if you need."
"Yeah," he huffs out in a soft breath of a word, nodding slightly. What an understated thing she said, there. But true, so completely true all the same.
He tips his chin to his chest in a weak, and futile, attempt to hide the tears that spring to his eyes at that quiet assurance. Despite his attempt to blink them away, the tears track down his cheeks anyway. "Thanks, V. I... um--" he looks up and scrubs at his cheeks. "I wish you could believe me if I said the same..." But it isn't even a question at this point, no one could believe him. Not at all. And who could blame them for doubting him after decades of pretty lies twisted up in bows.
"But, um..." He takes a shaky breath in and tries to steady his voice before he speaks again. "I really wanna try, Vanya... like, to not suck so much." He huffs a mirthless chuckle out at those words.
Her smile shifts a little, her expression changing into something more reassuring -- or, at least, she hopes it is. It's hard to know. But she tries, reaching one hand over to squeeze his shoulder, a small attempt at affection that might make him feel a little better.
"I believe you," she says, because she does, because the tears and the sound of his voice aren't false, aren't hollow the way self-serving lies could be. (Like Leonard's could be, if she's honest.) "Trying is plenty. I mean, not that I think you suck. I just mean trying to be there is still really nice, to me, at least."
Klaus responds immensely well to comfort in the form of touch, so even simple gestures like that go a long way.
A small, albeit weak, smile spreads across his lips at that. "Thanks, Vee." He lays his head against her shoulder gently, sighing softly. "I'm so tired... are you tired? Of course you are... we all are... I think I need a nap. Do you want a nap? Will you stay?" He didn't mean to rapid-fire so much at her, but the words just kept tumbling out. And he really would rather not be alone at this point.
"No problem," she says quietly. When he rests his head on her shoulder, she reaches up to lean her hand on the back of his head, letting him relax if he needs to. If little touches help, she can do that. Sometimes words fail her, but she can do this much, and it's a relief to see that it does seem to be helping.
Vanya blinks a little at the rapid-fire questions, but it doesn't faze her too badly, and she answers by leaning the side of her head to where Klaus' rests on her shoulder. "Yeah. Yeah, I could use a nap. I think we could all use a rest, after all of it," she says. "I can stay."
He relaxes in not just a visible, but a physical way, when she agrees to stay, some tension seems to almost immediately ease out of his shoulders and the way he's holding himself. Like if he tried hard enough, he might just melt into his sister.
"Thanks," he mumbles again softly, letting his eyes slide shut and hoping that having her here will mean that he can get some actual sleep.
"No worries," she says, her thumb sweeping against the back of his head a little. After that, Vanya quiets, leaning against Klaus a little in turn, hoping that that'll be enough to help him relax and drift off.
A little bit later, she closes her eyes, letting herself unwind a little herself, still letting Klaus settle next to her while her hand stayed cupping the back of his head.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 03:19 am (UTC)"I mean. Look, I'm not good at this, but -- if you're worried you're gonna fuck up, you haven't. You're sober now, right? Even if it sucks a lot, you are, even though it sucks."
no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 05:01 am (UTC)He knows, ultimately, part of his problem is being too tired to even pretend to function. The last few days have been such an onslaught with the Dead that he hasn't really gotten much in the way of sleep. Lacking sleep never does him any favors, least of all in a state of cold sobriety. "I'm so tired, V." There's a request burning a hole at the end of his tongue, but he isn't sure he should ask it-- is even less certain whether she might agree to it or not, and he doesn't really feel like wrestling with the possibility of rejection right now.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 05:41 pm (UTC)And she does get why he might not be feeling too hopeful. Optimism isn't her strong suit, either, truth be told. The closest thing she'd had to a positive outlook was when Leonard had shown up and, well, look how that went.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-16 10:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-17 12:18 am (UTC)"I mean, yeah," she answers, her voice practically a mumble. "I just, I don't know, I don't think I've got much right to complain right now."
no subject
Date: 2019-04-17 01:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-17 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-17 06:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-17 08:19 pm (UTC)"Maybe. But I'm the reason everyone else was suffering," she says. "Everyone was stressing out over the apocalypse, about nearly dying. Five got stuck alone with nobody but Delores for thirty years. Allison thought she'd never see her kid again. All of that was because of me."
no subject
Date: 2019-04-18 02:11 am (UTC)"We can't change what happened, V...but we can do it different moving forward." Which is what he wants, more than anything, it's why he's been putting himself through the hell that is detox-- and the dead.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-18 04:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-04-19 04:22 am (UTC)He untangles his fingers from hers, only long enough to pull himself into a sitting position, and then he repositions his fingers in hers. "But he did, and we're not, and it does, V." He tugs her gently toward him, giving her little choice in the matter of wrapping his arms around her, tugging her toward his chest. His free hand finds the path toward her hair, where he cards his fingers through her hair.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-19 05:30 am (UTC)After a second or two, her arms wind around Klaus' back, squeezing him a little. "Thanks, Klaus," she says, voice quiet and slightly muffled.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-20 03:48 am (UTC)"I love you... you know that, right? I mean-- I'm shit at showing it, and showing up, and existing, half the time, but..." He shrugs a little, like that finishes the thought.
Klaus prefers focusing on her, and her damage, and her sorrows because his feel too consuming to even look at or think about yet. There's a whole house full of boxes left to unpack about the way everything has happened and spiraled and led them to this second.
no subject
Date: 2019-04-21 04:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-05-06 01:29 am (UTC)"Do you remember... when we were kids... you were the only one that believed me, at first. About the ghosts." The barest of frowns creases his forehead and he tips his head a little to look down at her, "Why did you believe me?"
no subject
Date: 2019-05-09 08:55 pm (UTC)"I don't think I thought about it too much," she says after a moment, frowning slightly. "You just seemed like you were telling the truth, so I believed you.
And it seemed mean that no one else did."
no subject
Date: 2019-05-10 03:02 am (UTC)He huffs out a sigh and rolls his eyes at himself. "Too little, too late, right? But... still." Maybe it isn't nothing, maybe even if it's too many years to count too late it's still good to hear things like that.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-12 05:09 am (UTC)She glances down for a second, tucking her hair behind her ear even as the words she follows with are said with a little more strength in them. Quiet, but certain, she says, "If you need someone to believe you, if stuff gets hard, you can still rely on me, if you need."
no subject
Date: 2019-05-17 02:32 am (UTC)He tips his chin to his chest in a weak, and futile, attempt to hide the tears that spring to his eyes at that quiet assurance. Despite his attempt to blink them away, the tears track down his cheeks anyway. "Thanks, V. I... um--" he looks up and scrubs at his cheeks. "I wish you could believe me if I said the same..." But it isn't even a question at this point, no one could believe him. Not at all. And who could blame them for doubting him after decades of pretty lies twisted up in bows.
"But, um..." He takes a shaky breath in and tries to steady his voice before he speaks again. "I really wanna try, Vanya... like, to not suck so much." He huffs a mirthless chuckle out at those words.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-21 01:15 am (UTC)"I believe you," she says, because she does, because the tears and the sound of his voice aren't false, aren't hollow the way self-serving lies could be. (Like Leonard's could be, if she's honest.) "Trying is plenty. I mean, not that I think you suck. I just mean trying to be there is still really nice, to me, at least."
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Date: 2019-05-21 02:05 am (UTC)A small, albeit weak, smile spreads across his lips at that. "Thanks, Vee." He lays his head against her shoulder gently, sighing softly. "I'm so tired... are you tired? Of course you are... we all are... I think I need a nap. Do you want a nap? Will you stay?" He didn't mean to rapid-fire so much at her, but the words just kept tumbling out. And he really would rather not be alone at this point.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-21 08:18 pm (UTC)Vanya blinks a little at the rapid-fire questions, but it doesn't faze her too badly, and she answers by leaning the side of her head to where Klaus' rests on her shoulder. "Yeah. Yeah, I could use a nap. I think we could all use a rest, after all of it," she says. "I can stay."
no subject
Date: 2019-05-21 09:03 pm (UTC)"Thanks," he mumbles again softly, letting his eyes slide shut and hoping that having her here will mean that he can get some actual sleep.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-23 09:03 pm (UTC)A little bit later, she closes her eyes, letting herself unwind a little herself, still letting Klaus settle next to her while her hand stayed cupping the back of his head.