"Well, if you don't, you should." Except the words come out a lot less crystal-like and a lot more flummoxed that he doesn't. How does he not? How does he not know Leonard better than this? To see through the parts about him that have changed and the parts that are awful to know that the only thing that matters to him besides his sister is Mick?
"...no matter how much you wanna lie to yourself."
What a bitter pill to be forced to swallow. How long had Leonard been doing exactly that, to try to make himself feel better about the things he said, choices he made? But he can't even say anything, form a coherent enough thought to make words exist outside of his head at all.
"Used to be a time partner meant something."
His chest is tight and his head is spinning and if he wasn't better at controlling himself, his breaths would be shaky and erratic, but it's not. It's harder to take a breathe than it should be, because his chest is squeezed tight, seized with panic that he can't even process. Because this? This is that thing he's feared more than Lewis, more than death. He's teetering on the edge of losing him and he doesn't know how to stop this avalanche he's started.
"It- I-- It does." He hates how hard it is to even get those two words out, and how many more he has to force himself through. "It stills means something." Everything. Mick is his world, and that's why he tries to control and micromanage everything he possibly can centered around him, and them as a unit. Because if he controls the situation, if Mick continues to let his loyalty rule him and allow him to fall into line, then he won't lose it. Lose him. That's...the twisted way he's justified everything he's done. But... it's starting to feel like it was all for a whole lot of nothing because all Leonard can see now is Mick walking out that door and not coming back and even the idea of it threatens to shatter him.
And if Mick wasn't so angry at being pushed aside, so hurt, he'd pick up on the swiftly mounting panic threatening to swamp Leonard. He was getting damned good at reading his cues because god forbid he ask for something that he needed.
How can he just know it when he's pushed aside like an annoyance? Even those years when all Leonard could offer was holding hands in the privacy of his crap apartment, when he couldn't even kiss him he could at least reassure him with a smile, with something more open. Now everything is closed off and every time Mick tries to look over those walls he risks getting shot at.
But Mick doesn't have it in him to leave. He never did. Just like every other time before he gives, he caves. Lets Leonard have what he needs because he's too loyal to do otherwise.
Mick spins and drops back to the couch, shoulders hunching as he flicks open the lighter and holds his palm just over the flame, just enough to sear at his skin. "Yeah. Sure. 'm nothing more than a pain in your ass now boss." His voice quiet, defeated. Not a partner. Sure as hell not a lover.
At least he can focus on the burn of the fire. "You won't even let me near you anymore."
Nothing about Mick's obvious defeat makes him feel any better or less panicked. Just because he didn't storm out the door this instant didn't mean it wasn't still on the horizon. And that possibility terrifies him.
But not enough to say it. Or anything that he should, that would maybe have a chance of making mick understand. Because he doesn't know how to do that anymore.
He blinks, hard, eyes following Mick's slumped form to the couch. Holding the lighter against his hand. But it's different than usual-- he's not just playing with it, he's actually letting it burn him. Leonard doesn't even think about it, he strides over and snaps the old zippo shut. "Stop." There's a genuine touch of concern in the request as he presses the lighter back against his palm, cool metal contrasting largely with the flame that was in his hand seconds ago. He doesn't want to be the reason Mick does this.
It wasn't the first time. Where Leonard needed to get lost in his own head, to hide behind walls and layers of ice, Mick needed to feel and if it couldn't be something as heady as the touch of the only person who meant a damn thing to him, it could be a lick of flame against his skin. Searing heat to burn away the feeling of loss.
He looks up at him as Leonard snaps the lighter shut, cuts off the heat. For an instant there's real concern in his voice and in his expression and it's.. confusing. Reassuring yes, but also a bit jarring given the way they'd been shouting at one another a minute ago.
Mick shoves the lighter back in his pocket. "I need it." It's a safe bet he doesn't only mean the lighter or the fire it gives him.
He looks away, waving absently to the table where Leonard had been working. "'m fine. Just.. go. Do your planning." He can let the heat of the fire dance along his fingertips or just watch it burn until the zippo ran out of fuel.
"I won't bug you again." Because that's what he had been doing, right? What had started all of this? Pushing for something when it was clear Leonard wasn't interested.
"I know," it's equally safe to assume Leonard is latching onto the lighter and not the rest of the underlying meanings there, too. "that's why I didn't take it." Just stopped him, for a second. Because this part of Mick genuinely scares him sometimes. Not in the way Lewis scares him, and not for himself, but for Mick. He knows there's this inherent part of Mick that needs the fire, and he's never really tried to get in the way of that. Except. When it means hurting himself, or someone else. Because there are some lines Leonard just can't stand by and watch him cross.
A part of him wants to argue it, to say no, he's not fine, and it's his own fault, but-- instead, he just lets his fingers trail against Mick's arm as he gets back to his feet and sinks back down in the chair he was at before. Not that he's looking at the papers in front of him now, but with his back to the other man, he can pretend.
Mick isn't sure if that brush of fingers against his arm makes things better or worse. But then Snart is gone, back to looking at his plans and Mick snaps the lighter open again. He doesn't hold his hand up to the flame this time. No, he just watches it, gets lost in the dance of light and heat until the lighter eventually sputters and dies.
He sleeps on the couch that night, because he can't get too close to Leonard without that need itching beneath his skin, that desperate touch-starved part of him clawing to the surface, making things harder on both of them.
The job, of course, goes off without a hitch. CCPD is left foundering as they get away with one hell of a rich haul. Money and enough gems to fence to keep them well in cash for months, if not longer. More than a few shopping sprees for Lisa in the future to be sure.
But Mick isn't much in the mood to celebrate. There's no rush of adrenaline, no chance that Leonard will want to share that rush with him like they did in those early days. Like Chicago.
He just sits on the ratty couch of their safehouse, ignoring the beer in front of him. Restlessly flicking his lighter. He's got a stack of money but who cares? Maybe he'll find some way to get it over to Becks and her work. At least do some good that way by taking care of his sister the way Leonard still takes care of his.
Truth told, Leonard isn't as into the celebratory part of things, either. He plays the part, like he does during any con, and the rest of the team is none the wiser. Eventually, the celebration dies down, everyone fans out and it's just the two of them again.
Leonard has been thinking about the fight since the night it happened, turning it over and over in his mind. Different things he could have done or said or ways he could have reacted better. None of it matters, because its damage is already done.
But maybe he could fix future damage of similar fights. Maybe.
"Not feeling tonight?" He asks, mostly as a conversational piece than anything else, because he had to say something in the silence that was threatening to make him go deaf in its wake. He drops into the chair nearest the side of the couch Mick is on. It isn't much, but it's something almost shaped like progress from three nights ago.
Mick knows he's playing a role, playing his part. Even sitting away from the celebration he can tell that Leonard's heart isn't in it either. Probably because he had to go and be a needy asshole a few days back.
So he sits back. Drinks. Doesn't say much until the rest of them wander off into the night and it's just him and Leonard again. Same as always, but different as hell too and it's those differences that leave Mick foundering because he can't quite figure it out. What he needs to be doing.
A grunt. A roll of his shoulder. "Not really." Because he's going to use his words, goddamnit. "Not in the mood."
Liar, liar Mick.
He isn't strong like Leonard. Can't bury himself behind walls and pretend that he doesn't get lonely, that he doesn't need something as simple as touch. But he's gonna try - for his partner. For what they used to be. For whatever they're going to be.
"Me either," he admits, tipping back the last of his beer and setting the bottle on the nearest flat surface. He's quiet awhile after that. Mostly trying to get his thoughts in a proper order and make the final decision of whether or not he could deal with this idea he's been sitting on in an attempt to solve this issue they're having more and more frequently.
He leans forward against his knees, a familiar stance that Mick has seen many times, and usually means he's preparing to try and discuss something uncomfortable. "What if I told you I have a potential solution to...this--" he waves one hand, not sure the word he's looking for. "Tactile problem." Great words, Leonard. A plus, really.
The thing about it is, there's absolutely no good way to breech this subject. No matter how hi me words it, he doubts the initial reaction he gets will be a good one.
"You want something that I..." he shrugs a little, "I can't give you as much as you want-- deserve." Because it's more than Mick just being uselessly needy, it's never been that. It's an imbalance between their needs. "But I think maybe we could...make a deal. About how to handle it."He hasn't even explained the whole thing, but he already feels something twist in his stomach.
He's not wrong. Mick wants more than Leonard can give him and it's been like that for a long time now and he's done his best to just deal with it. To still try and be a partner. To be his partner.
'Deserve' is an odd choice of words and he shifts a little, frown deepening because where Leonard is going with this Mick has no clue.
"A deal," he repeats slowly. "'m not following you here. What are you talking about?"
"I know," he mumbles; this was one leap he never expected Mick to make. He takes a slow, deep breath, trying to prepare himself for whatever reaction his next words might bring.
"What if..." He lets out a breath. "what if you...get that somewhere else?" A beat. "With someone else."
Mick goes still. Freezes. No. He doesn't want anyone else. He doesn't want to think about touching anyone else or being touched by them and for a moment his expression is raw and anguished with the thought he was being rejected.
Leonard had tried to anticipate a lot of various reactions, most landed somewhere on the realm of hurt or angry. But none of the imagined scenarios hit him in the gut the way that look on Mick's face is doing right now. He feels sick knowing he caused it in the first place; it doesn't matter that he'd started this from a place of trying to solve something for both of them, he's hurting him. He's hurting him and he wants to go back to ten minutes ago before he started this conversation and stop himself from causing this broken, raw look on his partner's face.
"I-" the whole thing has Leonard's world tilting, making him stumble in ways he rarely ever does. "I was jus- I'm trying to....help." that last word comes out almost in a whisper. It doesn't feel like helping when Mick is staring at him like that.
No. Mick can't do this. He can't. He can't be losing this, can he?
"Y'can't help by kicking me to the curb," he counters softly, still too stunned and hurt to even consider being angry at the rejection even though he's pretty certain that will bubble up at some point.
"You don't want it. Me. I get it. But don't.. " A shaky hand drags across his face. He won't beg.
"What?" He frowns, confused for a few more beats than he would have liked. Where did that even come from? He never said--
"Oh." Another beat, and then he's shaking his head, "No, Mick, I- that's not-"
The world isn't just tilted anymore, it's spinning completely off its axis and he can't breathe. His chest is tight, his hands are clenched into fists, nails digging into his palm. It's rare he gets out of control at all, and even more so that he spins into an absolute panic, but this is absolutely one of those moments. He can feel it swimming in his head, and in his veins and it's only his nails digging into his hand that keeps him from completely spiraling out.
His next words are managed, barely, through clenched teeth. "I'm not...kicking you to the curb, Mick. I'm...giving you permission to seek extra resources." As he continues, it gets easier until there's just a flood of words pouring out of him. "I want you, I just- this isn't something I can give you. Not...like I should. Not like you need. So for this...someone else can...fill in. But--" something in his face falls, and his voice drops. "you'll always come home to me..."
Confusion wars with hurt in his expression as he watches Leonard struggle to explain himself and it's only getting worse. He's not kicking him to the curb. He still wants him. But he's telling him he can.. What? Go out and get laid by someone else? To go and be someone else's problem for a night?
And it doesn't help that this used to be something he could give him. Even those years when all they did was hold hands in private.
There's a nasty voice in the back of his head, wondering what he could have done to push him away like this.
His voice is low and strangled because he's pretty sure Leonard doesn't understand why he wants this. Why he asks. "No. No. I'm not.. this isn't about just getting off." It's about touch. It's about wanting to reach out and touch the one person that means everything to him. "I can't do that. I can't."
Leonard is giving him permission to be disloyal and everything in Mick is screaming in refusal. He can't do that to him. He can't.
"I just... I wanted to..." To, what? Makes this part easier on himself? He knows the whole thing is selfish, but he does genuinely want to figure out a system that works. For both of them.
He knows, at least part of his refusal is tied up in the deep down in his bones loyalty that Mick has always had for Leonard. A loyalty he never felt like he deserved, especially not in recent years as things just progressively got worse between them, the distance and changes greater. His voice is low and quiet, because this whole conversation has gone from hard to worse. "It's not...cheating if I know about it, if we- make rules about it and..." He trails off; it doesn't matter, Mick has made up his mind: offer rejected.
And now they're back where they started, with additional issues attached. He can see all the ways this will affect everything between them even further. Mick is going to tighten his grip on this and Leonard is going to suffocate in guilt for it; the imbalance is going to grow, Mick will doubt every negative reaction Leonard makes and wonder if this is just the beginning of that other shoe dropping. It's going to twist and color everything and it's Leonard's fault for even suggesting this in the first place.
Something in his stomach twists again and he feels sick. He doesn't know where to go from here, how to even begin fixing the damage this has done, the doubt and fear it's created. His gaze is on his shoes, under his hands draped loosely between his knees, and he feels stuck. "I didn't-- I wasn't trying to hurt you, Mick..." he admits quietly.
"I just... I hate being like this. It's something you deserve, it's something you need and I'm supposed to be able to give you and I can't and I don't even know why. I just..." He twists his fingers together. "I don't know what else to do..."
He's looking up at Mick again and his chest tightens all over again, making it hard to breathe. "It's not...fair for you to just wait in the wings for something you need that may not happen for weeks, months, I... I'm just trying to find a solution...for both of us." His gaze drops again, along with his voice, "I'd never kick you out. Not now, now later, not ever."
It's too much. Too much. Making up rules doesn't help. Assurances that he wasn't presenting the idea with the intent of hurting him don't help the way the sense of rejection coils like steel bands around his chest, suffocating him. Leonard wants him as his partner. He just doesn't want him as his lover.
After all these years it's a bitter fucking pill to swallow, no matter what the cause might be.
"I know," he whispers. Because this wasn't a fight with angry words and barbs intending to rile one another up. Leonard could be an asshole but he'd never been unnecessarily cruel to Mick in all the years they'd known one another.
And while it might not be fair to ask him to wait, to keep pushing him off, Mick isn't sure it's any better to tell him he can go elsewhere for what he needs and come home like nothing had changed between them.
"How can I do that to you?" A broken plea that sounds far weaker than he wants it to. "Go off and come back like nothing happened. I can't. I can't." It's only that loyalty that's kept it from happening in the past, from Mick giving in and accepting a random pass at a bar or even paying for a night or two and even with permission given, he's not sure he can do it and come back to Leonard like nothing had happened, like nothing had changed.
"I don't know," he admits quietly. He doesn't know where to go from here or how to handle any of the inevitable fallout from it in the days and weeks to come. They can't just pretend nothing was ever said, any more than they can pretend nothing has changed.
He isn't sure what to say, but he knows he has to say something. But first? He moves from the chair to the couch, next to Mick. His fingers twitch and he reaches, pauses, and pulls back before finally reaching over again to wrap his fingers around Mick's. "I know it's the oldest line in the book, but-- you know it's not you, right? It's not... you didn't do anything, or not do something..." There's a huff of sound that manages to sound completely self-deprecating. "I just suck. I don't know, there- There's something wrong with me, I don't know," he shakes his head a little. "I'm still--" 'in love with you.', but his mouth moves wordlessly for a second and he tucks his chin toward his chest.
How did this ever seem easy? What had changed so much that made it hard for him to be himself, and express that, even around Mick? Leonard wishes he had the answer to that question so he could fix it, too. His eyes slide back up to Mick; if nothing else, he deserves to have this conversation face-to-face, no matter how hard it is for Leonard to get the words out. "You're my partner... always. Nothing changes that. Ever, okay? Nothing."
Really the best thing Leonard can do is sit closer, reach out and touch and wrap his fingers around his. Touch he can give him, something to console and ground them both.
His eyes flick to Leonard's at the 'it's not you' because for years now he's honestly wondered. Was he just too needy? Was his timing that bad?
And Mick knows, as much as he might rail against it in the moment, that one day he'll break. His resolve will falter. He's strong but he's not inhuman. He can't hold out forever.
"Okay." And that one word is so goddamn hard to say. Partners. He.. he can live with that. As long as Leonard will have him, because he is hopelessly dependent on him. Needs him like he needs air. "Okay. Can we.. "a hard swallow because he's being needy again and he hates himself for it.
"Can we just go to bed? Please? I won't.. I won't do nothing. I promise." Mick just needs to lay close to him tonight and listen to him breathe. Try and sort out his head and his heart.
"Okay," in all of its strangled glory, is the hardest word he thinks he's ever heard. Because it just sounds like a concession, an agreement he makes because he has to, but not necessarily because he wants to.
"Yeah," he chokes out, nodding at the request. It's such a simple thing to ask for, which might be why the question almost breaks him to hear. "Let's go," he says quietly, slowly getting to his feet, but he doesn't let go of Mick's hand like he might have usually.
They get ready for bed in silence, just kicking off shoes and jackets and crawling beneath the covers in the dark. Simple and mundane activities that used to be a comfort, that used to calm Mick's restlessness.
Not tonight. Mick keeps to his promise. He doesn't try anything, he doesn't even reach over to hold his hand or gather his partner into his arms like he so desperately wants to. To both offer and receive comfort.
He doesn't sleep that night. He can't, not with his head and his heart still at war over what had been said. A deal had been made and Mick still feels utterly sick over it.
Mick Rory loves Leonard Snart. He always will. He's been stupidly gone on him since a year or two after juvie and no matter how strained things got, no matter how frustrating he could be, Mick always comes back. Always. It's like Leonard has a gravitational pull all his own - one that draws Mick back in before he can even consider it's happening.
Mick is also pretty sure that Leonard loves him too. Nobody would put up with his temperamental bullshit, his possessiveness and his impulse control problems if they didn't give a damn.
Mick also craves touch almost as deeply as he craves fire. Not random touch, nobody can just climb him like a mountain when they see fit, but when he needs it, when that itch beneath his skin is almost too much to bear, a hand will soothe it away almost as easily as fire.
Fuck. He doesn't know what to do. Mick wishes he was as smart as his partner in moments like this, moments when he needed to be able to think of another way to handle a situation because right now the only options all seem to involve some level of hurt.
They were so perfectly in sync during the heist. It's just everywhere else that rhythm seems to have fallen apart and he hates it.
Mick is nothing if not a man of his word. He's always been that way in all the time Leonard has known him. Sometimes things didn't pan out, but he never broke a promise if there was any chance he could keep it. Leonard never expected this to be different.
Sometimes, though, a person can be driven by something wholly subconscious, and while he sleeps, that is exactly what happens to Leonard that night. He starts on his own sidr of the bed, close enough his presence is still obvious but certsinly not touching by any means. But as the night draws on, and he's taken by sleep, he curls closer against Mick's side, fingers splayed lazily against his chest, an underlying need to somehow let him know that this is not changing everything between them, that he is still, and would always be, Mick's.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sobs forever whyyyyy thiiiiiiis
Date: 2018-02-05 05:27 pm (UTC)"...no matter how much you wanna lie to yourself."
What a bitter pill to be forced to swallow. How long had Leonard been doing exactly that, to try to make himself feel better about the things he said, choices he made? But he can't even say anything, form a coherent enough thought to make words exist outside of his head at all.
"Used to be a time partner meant something."
His chest is tight and his head is spinning and if he wasn't better at controlling himself, his breaths would be shaky and erratic, but it's not. It's harder to take a breathe than it should be, because his chest is squeezed tight, seized with panic that he can't even process. Because this? This is that thing he's feared more than Lewis, more than death. He's teetering on the edge of losing him and he doesn't know how to stop this avalanche he's started.
"It- I-- It does." He hates how hard it is to even get those two words out, and how many more he has to force himself through. "It stills means something." Everything. Mick is his world, and that's why he tries to control and micromanage everything he possibly can centered around him, and them as a unit. Because if he controls the situation, if Mick continues to let his loyalty rule him and allow him to fall into line, then he won't lose it. Lose him. That's...the twisted way he's justified everything he's done. But... it's starting to feel like it was all for a whole lot of nothing because all Leonard can see now is Mick walking out that door and not coming back and even the idea of it threatens to shatter him.
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Date: 2018-02-05 05:48 pm (UTC)How can he just know it when he's pushed aside like an annoyance? Even those years when all Leonard could offer was holding hands in the privacy of his crap apartment, when he couldn't even kiss him he could at least reassure him with a smile, with something more open. Now everything is closed off and every time Mick tries to look over those walls he risks getting shot at.
But Mick doesn't have it in him to leave.
He never did.
Just like every other time before he gives, he caves. Lets Leonard have what he needs because he's too loyal to do otherwise.
Mick spins and drops back to the couch, shoulders hunching as he flicks open the lighter and holds his palm just over the flame, just enough to sear at his skin. "Yeah. Sure. 'm nothing more than a pain in your ass now boss." His voice quiet, defeated. Not a partner. Sure as hell not a lover.
At least he can focus on the burn of the fire. "You won't even let me near you anymore."
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Date: 2018-02-05 06:04 pm (UTC)But not enough to say it.
Or anything that he should, that would maybe have a chance of making mick understand.
Because he doesn't know how to do that anymore.
He blinks, hard, eyes following Mick's slumped form to the couch. Holding the lighter against his hand. But it's different than usual-- he's not just playing with it, he's actually letting it burn him. Leonard doesn't even think about it, he strides over and snaps the old zippo shut. "Stop." There's a genuine touch of concern in the request as he presses the lighter back against his palm, cool metal contrasting largely with the flame that was in his hand seconds ago. He doesn't want to be the reason Mick does this.
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Date: 2018-02-05 06:20 pm (UTC)Where Leonard needed to get lost in his own head, to hide behind walls and layers of ice, Mick needed to feel and if it couldn't be something as heady as the touch of the only person who meant a damn thing to him, it could be a lick of flame against his skin. Searing heat to burn away the feeling of loss.
He looks up at him as Leonard snaps the lighter shut, cuts off the heat. For an instant there's real concern in his voice and in his expression and it's.. confusing. Reassuring yes, but also a bit jarring given the way they'd been shouting at one another a minute ago.
Mick shoves the lighter back in his pocket. "I need it." It's a safe bet he doesn't only mean the lighter or the fire it gives him.
He looks away, waving absently to the table where Leonard had been working. "'m fine. Just.. go. Do your planning." He can let the heat of the fire dance along his fingertips or just watch it burn until the zippo ran out of fuel.
"I won't bug you again." Because that's what he had been doing, right? What had started all of this? Pushing for something when it was clear Leonard wasn't interested.
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Date: 2018-02-05 07:29 pm (UTC)A part of him wants to argue it, to say no, he's not fine, and it's his own fault, but-- instead, he just lets his fingers trail against Mick's arm as he gets back to his feet and sinks back down in the chair he was at before. Not that he's looking at the papers in front of him now, but with his back to the other man, he can pretend.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 07:46 pm (UTC)But then Snart is gone, back to looking at his plans and Mick snaps the lighter open again. He doesn't hold his hand up to the flame this time. No, he just watches it, gets lost in the dance of light and heat until the lighter eventually sputters and dies.
He sleeps on the couch that night, because he can't get too close to Leonard without that need itching beneath his skin, that desperate touch-starved part of him clawing to the surface, making things harder on both of them.
The job, of course, goes off without a hitch.
CCPD is left foundering as they get away with one hell of a rich haul. Money and enough gems to fence to keep them well in cash for months, if not longer. More than a few shopping sprees for Lisa in the future to be sure.
But Mick isn't much in the mood to celebrate. There's no rush of adrenaline, no chance that Leonard will want to share that rush with him like they did in those early days. Like Chicago.
He just sits on the ratty couch of their safehouse, ignoring the beer in front of him. Restlessly flicking his lighter. He's got a stack of money but who cares? Maybe he'll find some way to get it over to Becks and her work. At least do some good that way by taking care of his sister the way Leonard still takes care of his.
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Date: 2018-02-05 08:42 pm (UTC)Leonard has been thinking about the fight since the night it happened, turning it over and over in his mind. Different things he could have done or said or ways he could have reacted better. None of it matters, because its damage is already done.
But maybe he could fix future damage of similar fights.
Maybe.
"Not feeling tonight?" He asks, mostly as a conversational piece than anything else, because he had to say something in the silence that was threatening to make him go deaf in its wake. He drops into the chair nearest the side of the couch Mick is on. It isn't much, but it's something almost shaped like progress from three nights ago.
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Date: 2018-02-05 09:03 pm (UTC)So he sits back. Drinks. Doesn't say much until the rest of them wander off into the night and it's just him and Leonard again. Same as always, but different as hell too and it's those differences that leave Mick foundering because he can't quite figure it out. What he needs to be doing.
A grunt. A roll of his shoulder. "Not really." Because he's going to use his words, goddamnit. "Not in the mood."
Liar, liar Mick.
He isn't strong like Leonard. Can't bury himself behind walls and pretend that he doesn't get lonely, that he doesn't need something as simple as touch.
But he's gonna try - for his partner. For what they used to be. For whatever they're going to be.
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Date: 2018-02-05 10:03 pm (UTC)He leans forward against his knees, a familiar stance that Mick has seen many times, and usually means he's preparing to try and discuss something uncomfortable. "What if I told you I have a potential solution to...this--" he waves one hand, not sure the word he's looking for. "Tactile problem." Great words, Leonard. A plus, really.
no subject
Date: 2018-02-05 10:50 pm (UTC)"What problem?" Because he's not quite following. What he needs Leonard can't give and he's just got to deal with it. Right?
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Date: 2018-02-06 12:24 am (UTC)"You want something that I..." he shrugs a little, "I can't give you as much as you want-- deserve." Because it's more than Mick just being uselessly needy, it's never been that. It's an imbalance between their needs. "But I think maybe we could...make a deal. About how to handle it."He hasn't even explained the whole thing, but he already feels something twist in his stomach.
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Date: 2018-02-21 05:53 pm (UTC)Mick wants more than Leonard can give him and it's been like that for a long time now and he's done his best to just deal with it. To still try and be a partner. To be his partner.
'Deserve' is an odd choice of words and he shifts a little, frown deepening because where Leonard is going with this Mick has no clue.
"A deal," he repeats slowly. "'m not following you here. What are you talking about?"
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Date: 2018-02-22 12:22 am (UTC)"What if..." He lets out a breath. "what if you...get that somewhere else?" A beat. "With someone else."
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Date: 2018-02-22 12:31 am (UTC)Mick goes still. Freezes.
No. He doesn't want anyone else. He doesn't want to think about touching anyone else or being touched by them and for a moment his expression is raw and anguished with the thought he was being rejected.
"No. No I don't want anyone else. No."
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Date: 2018-02-22 12:56 am (UTC)"I-" the whole thing has Leonard's world tilting, making him stumble in ways he rarely ever does. "I was jus- I'm trying to....help." that last word comes out almost in a whisper. It doesn't feel like helping when Mick is staring at him like that.
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Date: 2018-02-22 01:35 am (UTC)Mick can't do this. He can't. He can't be losing this, can he?
"Y'can't help by kicking me to the curb," he counters softly, still too stunned and hurt to even consider being angry at the rejection even though he's pretty certain that will bubble up at some point.
"You don't want it. Me. I get it. But don't.. " A shaky hand drags across his face. He won't beg.
I can't handle this, abort abort abort.
Date: 2018-02-22 03:22 am (UTC)"Oh." Another beat, and then he's shaking his head, "No, Mick, I- that's not-"
The world isn't just tilted anymore, it's spinning completely off its axis and he can't breathe. His chest is tight, his hands are clenched into fists, nails digging into his palm. It's rare he gets out of control at all, and even more so that he spins into an absolute panic, but this is absolutely one of those moments. He can feel it swimming in his head, and in his veins and it's only his nails digging into his hand that keeps him from completely spiraling out.
His next words are managed, barely, through clenched teeth. "I'm not...kicking you to the curb, Mick. I'm...giving you permission to seek extra resources." As he continues, it gets easier until there's just a flood of words pouring out of him. "I want you, I just- this isn't something I can give you. Not...like I should. Not like you need. So for this...someone else can...fill in. But--" something in his face falls, and his voice drops. "you'll always come home to me..."
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Date: 2018-02-22 01:52 pm (UTC)But he's telling him he can.. What? Go out and get laid by someone else? To go and be someone else's problem for a night?
And it doesn't help that this used to be something he could give him. Even those years when all they did was hold hands in private.
There's a nasty voice in the back of his head, wondering what he could have done to push him away like this.
His voice is low and strangled because he's pretty sure Leonard doesn't understand why he wants this. Why he asks. "No. No. I'm not.. this isn't about just getting off." It's about touch. It's about wanting to reach out and touch the one person that means everything to him. "I can't do that. I can't."
Leonard is giving him permission to be disloyal and everything in Mick is screaming in refusal. He can't do that to him. He can't.
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Date: 2018-02-22 04:00 pm (UTC)He knows, at least part of his refusal is tied up in the deep down in his bones loyalty that Mick has always had for Leonard. A loyalty he never felt like he deserved, especially not in recent years as things just progressively got worse between them, the distance and changes greater. His voice is low and quiet, because this whole conversation has gone from hard to worse. "It's not...cheating if I know about it, if we- make rules about it and..." He trails off; it doesn't matter, Mick has made up his mind: offer rejected.
And now they're back where they started, with additional issues attached.
He can see all the ways this will affect everything between them even further. Mick is going to tighten his grip on this and Leonard is going to suffocate in guilt for it; the imbalance is going to grow, Mick will doubt every negative reaction Leonard makes and wonder if this is just the beginning of that other shoe dropping. It's going to twist and color everything and it's Leonard's fault for even suggesting this in the first place.
Something in his stomach twists again and he feels sick. He doesn't know where to go from here, how to even begin fixing the damage this has done, the doubt and fear it's created. His gaze is on his shoes, under his hands draped loosely between his knees, and he feels stuck. "I didn't-- I wasn't trying to hurt you, Mick..." he admits quietly.
"I just... I hate being like this. It's something you deserve, it's something you need and I'm supposed to be able to give you and I can't and I don't even know why. I just..." He twists his fingers together. "I don't know what else to do..."
He's looking up at Mick again and his chest tightens all over again, making it hard to breathe. "It's not...fair for you to just wait in the wings for something you need that may not happen for weeks, months, I... I'm just trying to find a solution...for both of us." His gaze drops again, along with his voice, "I'd never kick you out. Not now, now later, not ever."
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Date: 2018-02-22 04:20 pm (UTC)Making up rules doesn't help. Assurances that he wasn't presenting the idea with the intent of hurting him don't help the way the sense of rejection coils like steel bands around his chest, suffocating him.
Leonard wants him as his partner.
He just doesn't want him as his lover.
After all these years it's a bitter fucking pill to swallow, no matter what the cause might be.
"I know," he whispers. Because this wasn't a fight with angry words and barbs intending to rile one another up. Leonard could be an asshole but he'd never been unnecessarily cruel to Mick in all the years they'd known one another.
And while it might not be fair to ask him to wait, to keep pushing him off, Mick isn't sure it's any better to tell him he can go elsewhere for what he needs and come home like nothing had changed between them.
"How can I do that to you?" A broken plea that sounds far weaker than he wants it to. "Go off and come back like nothing happened. I can't. I can't." It's only that loyalty that's kept it from happening in the past, from Mick giving in and accepting a random pass at a bar or even paying for a night or two and even with permission given, he's not sure he can do it and come back to Leonard like nothing had happened, like nothing had changed.
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Date: 2018-02-23 12:48 am (UTC)He isn't sure what to say, but he knows he has to say something. But first? He moves from the chair to the couch, next to Mick. His fingers twitch and he reaches, pauses, and pulls back before finally reaching over again to wrap his fingers around Mick's. "I know it's the oldest line in the book, but-- you know it's not you, right? It's not... you didn't do anything, or not do something..." There's a huff of sound that manages to sound completely self-deprecating. "I just suck. I don't know, there- There's something wrong with me, I don't know," he shakes his head a little. "I'm still--" 'in love with you.', but his mouth moves wordlessly for a second and he tucks his chin toward his chest.
How did this ever seem easy? What had changed so much that made it hard for him to be himself, and express that, even around Mick? Leonard wishes he had the answer to that question so he could fix it, too. His eyes slide back up to Mick; if nothing else, he deserves to have this conversation face-to-face, no matter how hard it is for Leonard to get the words out. "You're my partner... always. Nothing changes that. Ever, okay? Nothing."
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Date: 2018-02-23 01:28 am (UTC)His eyes flick to Leonard's at the 'it's not you' because for years now he's honestly wondered. Was he just too needy? Was his timing that bad?
And Mick knows, as much as he might rail against it in the moment, that one day he'll break. His resolve will falter. He's strong but he's not inhuman. He can't hold out forever.
"Okay." And that one word is so goddamn hard to say. Partners. He.. he can live with that. As long as Leonard will have him, because he is hopelessly dependent on him. Needs him like he needs air. "Okay. Can we.. "a hard swallow because he's being needy again and he hates himself for it.
"Can we just go to bed? Please? I won't.. I won't do nothing. I promise." Mick just needs to lay close to him tonight and listen to him breathe. Try and sort out his head and his heart.
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Date: 2018-02-23 02:06 am (UTC)"Yeah," he chokes out, nodding at the request. It's such a simple thing to ask for, which might be why the question almost breaks him to hear. "Let's go," he says quietly, slowly getting to his feet, but he doesn't let go of Mick's hand like he might have usually.
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Date: 2018-02-26 03:23 pm (UTC)Not tonight.
Mick keeps to his promise. He doesn't try anything, he doesn't even reach over to hold his hand or gather his partner into his arms like he so desperately wants to. To both offer and receive comfort.
He doesn't sleep that night. He can't, not with his head and his heart still at war over what had been said. A deal had been made and Mick still feels utterly sick over it.
Mick Rory loves Leonard Snart. He always will. He's been stupidly gone on him since a year or two after juvie and no matter how strained things got, no matter how frustrating he could be, Mick always comes back. Always. It's like Leonard has a gravitational pull all his own - one that draws Mick back in before he can even consider it's happening.
Mick is also pretty sure that Leonard loves him too.
Nobody would put up with his temperamental bullshit, his possessiveness and his impulse control problems if they didn't give a damn.
Mick also craves touch almost as deeply as he craves fire. Not random touch, nobody can just climb him like a mountain when they see fit, but when he needs it, when that itch beneath his skin is almost too much to bear, a hand will soothe it away almost as easily as fire.
Fuck.
He doesn't know what to do.
Mick wishes he was as smart as his partner in moments like this, moments when he needed to be able to think of another way to handle a situation because right now the only options all seem to involve some level of hurt.
They were so perfectly in sync during the heist.
It's just everywhere else that rhythm seems to have fallen apart and he hates it.
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Date: 2018-02-27 02:32 pm (UTC)Sometimes, though, a person can be driven by something wholly subconscious, and while he sleeps, that is exactly what happens to Leonard that night. He starts on his own sidr of the bed, close enough his presence is still obvious but certsinly not touching by any means. But as the night draws on, and he's taken by sleep, he curls closer against Mick's side, fingers splayed lazily against his chest, an underlying need to somehow let him know that this is not changing everything between them, that he is still, and would always be, Mick's.