It takes him a moment to find him, but Mick is a familiar form, even from a distance and in the dark. His whole mood shifts on the up as he sees him. He practically makes a beeline for him once he spots him.
Except the closer he gets, the more clearly the scene is set out in front of him and that almost elated feeling crashes like a brick out of a window, shattering into something else entirely. Hurt, most obviously, at first, but that doesn't make sense, does it? But there's something else, too, winding its way through his chest and spreading, sticky across his skin. Something he can't quite put a name to, but when he thinks about it later, he'll realize it felt a lot like MINE being shouted out from every inch of him.
He's not even really aware of what he's doing as he moves across the room with the kind of purpose that only someone on a mission can carry with them. He slides into the space between Mick and Mr. Generic over here, only just barely casting a glance over at the guy who seemed to feel like he had any right to be in Mick's space like that. He's leaned against the bar, facing Mick, "Hey, sorry I'm late."
If he had time to think first, Leonard would never in a million years have done what he does next. But he's not thinking, he just feels the hum of mine pulsing across his skin. He's on auto-pilot and running on feeling, not thoughts or logic like he is usually so prone to do.
It's not even a second after the apology leaves his mouth that Leonard leans up and presses his lips roughly, and hungrily, against Mick's. The kiss is more than just a random deterrent for Mr. Generic to take a hint and get out of here, though, it's something deeper than that, this sudden explosion of something that just fits right under his fingers at the back of Mick's neck, the press of his lips on Mick's, and the way he can just feel that if he turned just a little more, that his body would fit comfortably against Mick's.
Edited (sorry for all the edits!!) Date: 2018-04-10 04:54 pm (UTC)
It was a good night really. A prospective casual hookup, nothing more. Mick could catch up to Leonard in the morning or the next day, find out what went sideways and try and meet up another night.
Then there's a familiar face cutting through the crowd with a look on his face that sends sparks shooting up Mick's spine. Intense and driven as he slides into place between him and the other guy and he's pressed so achingly close Mick's brain threatens to stutter to a complete stop.
... that kiss. That kiss is absolutely everything Mick has ever dreamed that it would be and he's had plenty of time to do just that. It only takes a moment for his stunned brain to catch up as he's kissing him back, a hand falling easily to his waist because if Lenny is this close, then it's okay to touch. It's okay to want.
By the time the kiss breaks Mick's lips are parted, breath coming faster than it probably should be and his eyes absolutely stunned. Happily stunned, but still. Wow.
He should probably say something even as the other guy has already melted away back into the crowd. "'s okay Lenny."
Mick's kissing back and Leonard still can't form a coherent thought in his brain. He recognizes the electric charge in the air from other moments between them, but this time it's like it's running at a higher frequency, hotter somehow. And then Mick's hand finds his hip and steadies him where he stands and Leonard presses up a little more on his toes to get closer, chasing this feeling swimming in his head from the kiss.
When it breaks, there's still a little bit of a heady feeling left behind. He isn't really ready to process anything, but his mind has other ideas--
Reality crashes in at the same time that Mick's voice reaches his ears. He kind of freezes as his brain starts catching up with what he just did. He's pretty sure, if nothing else, it wasn't a bad thing.
Except the fact that he was in the middle of a bar full of people. In his town. Where everyone knew who he was, and worse still, who his father was.
Not that anyone seems to be paying any attention to them, but that doesn't stop the thoughts already trying to swirl through his head. Followed only by panic and thoughts about what might happen if any of this got back to Lewis.
He's just sort of frozen, suddenly, not sure how to react or what to say, but he knows he needs to say something. "I- um-" words fail him and he takes half a step backwards, not sure how to process all of this, or what it means.
God and all Mick wants to do is wrap his arms around him and haul Lenny out of that bar to make good on the promise behind the kiss even though he knows he can't. Shouldn't. The kiss was warm and perfect and clears away ages worth of doubt as he recalls how to breathe.
His hand will linger on his hip as long as he's able, until Leonard pulls away far enough that his hand will have to fall back. His thoughts aren't on the bar goers or the potential that Lewis might care because his mind is soley focused on Leonard, on that kiss.
"It's.. um. It's okay Lenny," he promises. Mick is still a bit dazed, a bit startled that Leonard wanted him the same way that Mick has been wanting him for ages.
The assurance only goes so far, though it does ease at least a fraction of the tension settling across his chest already. Everyone and everything else may still threaten to explode under the wrong circumstances, but Mick was okay with it. And that's what counted, right? That's the part that matters, the most.
"Are you s- I mean..." He's talking to the ground more than Mick, his head is kind of spinning and he can't sort out the right words in his head.
Carefully, he lifts his gaze to Mick's face again. "Can we.... go?" A beat and he realizes, belatedly, that's really vague and quickly adds. "To your place. I..." Can't process this here. Can't think, can't breathe here. It's too much, too many bodies in one space, too many eyes that might roam wrong. Almost like he thinks he's being too demanding, he even throws in a quiet, "Please?"
It helps, but not nearly enough. Lenny isn't looking at him, he's winding up with tension and as much as Mick wants to soothe him with a touch he's pretty sure that he can't do that in the middle of a public bar.
His expression softens a bit at the question as he digs into his wallet for a few bucks and drops the bills on the bar. "Yeah Lenny. Yeah we can go." While he wants to reach out and touch him, soothe him as they walk out, Mick knows that will only ramp up his tension and overall anxiety and if he wants to bolt? That touch won't help. It'll only make it worse.
"My car's out front," he offers. "I can drive us back."
He nods a little, "Yeah. Okay, good." he mumbles, following Mick out of the bar to his car. It's dark and quiet in the car and that alone helps pretty drastically. He heaves a sigh as he sinks into the passenger's seat.
He stays quiet on the ride to Mick's apartment, just trying to gather his thoughts and calm his heart. He doesn't know how to take all of this. He knew there was... some... kind of... thing that was different about Mick. With Mick. About himself when he was with Mick.
But this... he doesn't even really know what came over him. He just knew he had to ruin whatever chance Mr. Generic thought he had with Mick.
His Mick.
He was... wasn't he?
When they get to the apartment, he follows close on Mick's heels to the door and slips inside once it's unlocked. He clicks the lock back in place when they're inside and leans heavily against the door, palms pressed flat against the wood behind him as he stares up at Mick, trying to think of what to say. "I--"
His eyes flicker, from the floor and back up in half a blink, and suddenly he's found all of his words. "I'm sorry. I- I don't...know why I-- It was probably out of line, n- not my place, probably, I just..." A curious frown creases across his forehead. "I saw you and that was perfect, because tonight sucked and I needed you," If he realizes what he just said, he doesn't seem to show it, so he probably doesn't at all, but that edges toward it being more honest than anything he might plan to say. "and then there was that...guy... and he was touching you like that was okay and--" He frowns deeper, more confused than anything, looking up at Mick like he held all the answers to everything coming out of his own mouth. "it's not. It's not okay."
"It shouldn't matter, should it? I-- this is- I'm overstepping some kind of line, here or something, right?" Because this isn't how friendship works, is it?
God, he doesn't understand anything about any of this and that more than anything is driving him insane. He leans heavy against the door, just looking at Mick with a vaguely pleading look on his face. Please, make this make sense, Mick.
I saw you and that was perfect, because tonight sucked and I needed you..
He needed him. His stunned brain trips over the idea of that more than a few times before he plays catch up to the rest of the words tumbling out of Leonard's mouth. He's confused. Uncertain. Because most of the time he's damned deliberate with everything that he says, it's only when it all comes falling out that Mick can key in on what's happening.
Oh. He.. Jesus Lenny really doesn't understand does he? He doesn't get it. What's been going on between them.
As the understanding dawns on his face something goes impossibly soft around his eyes. "No Lenny it's.. it's okay. More than okay." Because he needs to promise him that first, before they get to any of the other complicated as fuck details surrounding two guys maybe possibly kind of being into one another when that wasn't exactly accepted by people.
"C'mon man. Sit down. It's okay, I promise it is. I just.. I never thought that you'd, you know, want me like that." So it won't happen again. He won't allow it.
"Are you sure?" He asks, still being entirely more cautious than he needs to be. But he follows Mick's instruction to sit down, pushing away from the door and moving over to sink into the corner of the couch, legs folded criss-cross one under the other.
He's keyed up to the ears with nerves still, as evidenced by the way he fidgets, knees bouncing slightly, as Mick walks over to join him. "I didn't really..." his gaze drops to fingers fidgeting more in his lap. "I never thought about it." Which part he's referring to--what led them to that moment, kissing him, what any of the signs that he'd obviously missed all along were and what they meant, something else all together--is up for debate, but at least he said something .
"Yeah Lenny. I'm sure," he reassures him even as Lenny is still all but vibrating with tension on the couch. Fidgeting. Bouncing his knees. Mick's hand creeps over to rest on a knee. A gentle, grounding sort of touch. Something he hopes will help.
"Well I have. Christ Lenny, I've been thinking about it since we were in juvie." He rubs the back of his neck. "Wanting you. But I never thought.. I never thought you wanted me back. That you were even.." a restless shift, "into guys."
"Okay," he mumbles quietly and he rolls his lips together, in some vague attempt to keep himself from just rambling like he was doing before. The hand on his knee makes him ease to a stop in his bouncing, his eyes locked on the image, and taking in the way he doesn't really mind it.
His eyes widen a little at that admission. "Really? Since juvie?" He echoes, voice plainly colored with the shock of it. "I didn't know," he says, confirming that he really had no clue, all this time.
"And I've never really...thought of anybody like that before." he admits, confirming further that this isn't even just an issue stemming from the fact that they're both guys, but more from Leonard's complete lack of experience in any variety in this department. His voice is quiet, and he's back to staring at his hands in his lap, fidgeting nervously again.
This is.. so far outside of Mick's realm of experience. Leonard really had no idea what to do or what those feelings meant and he's absolutely not the best suited to guide him through this. Not even a little.
"Yeah. Since juvie," he confirms, trying not to overthink the blatant shock in Lenny's voice. A slow breath as he reaches out to close a hand over his. "Is that.. I mean.. is that something you want?"
"With me?" Because before they go any further, they kind of need to establish whether or not Lenny wants that. The kiss was telling but he doesn't want to assume.
His fingers twitch under Mick's own, twisting to thread them between the spaces in Mick's fingers. He stares at their linked fingers and thinks about that question, and all the implications behind it.
"I..." He starts, but his words fumble. He's so out of his element, and he feels shaky on uneven ground. "I think so... I--" the words die on his tongue because 'like you' just didn't feel right, or like enough. "I'm...comfortable with you, Mick...in ways I've never been with...anyone."
It's a big admission, but kind of like a weight off of him, and pushes him to be able to say more. "I'm safe with you. I feel safe with you. And I...I don't know what this is, or what it means, or where it could go, but... I know that... I can't lose you. That's a risk I can never take, because I already lost you once, when I left you behind in juvie and...I can't have that again. Ever, okay? And I don't...know how this works, but...if it could ruin what we already have, I don't want that to happen, okay? But..."
There's an awkward pause and amused sort of scoff as he shakes his head, biting his lip. "I don't know what to do because I think I really do...want that. but, more than that, I don't want to lose everything else and--" he lets out a frustrated sigh. his fingers untangling from Mick's as he drops his face into his hands.
He doesn't even know what the answer in all of that is, so he doesn't expect Mick to have one, either. And he's pretty sure Mick has made the worst decision ever in wanting anything with him because he's a giant, clueless, paranoid mess that no one deserves to have thrown on them.
Comfortable and safe aren't words often used when you live the life Leonard Snart does. Constantly on guard. Always watching, waiting, it's no wonder that his mind is pretty much always on overdrive. So when he associates those words with Mick? That sets up something warm and a little wonderful in his chest. Something almost like hope.
He allows Lenny to take his hand back, watching him fold in on himself before shifting a little closer on the couch. Mick's own fingers twitch, wanting to pull him in closer but he holds back.
"Hey." A beat. "Leonard." Using his full name in the hope of tugging him out of whatever thoughts are spiraling in his head. "You're not gonna lose me. Not now. Not ever." A promise he'll keep for the rest of his damn life. "If you don't want me bein' with anyone else like at that bar? I won't."
"I just.." he shakes his head. "Only ever wanted you anyway."
He slowly looks up at him again when Mick calls his name. "How do you know that?" the words tumble out faster than he can process them. "Isn't that what happens, when something goes wrong or it doesn't work out? You can't go back after that...can you?" Really, the best he has to go by is movies or his own observations in the kids in his classes that he's seen cycle through relationships and breakups and the drama of it all. None of it had ever appealed to him before, but everything is kind of different with Mick.
"And...how is that fair, to you, if everything stays the way it is?" Not that's he's sure everything can, not now. Not after that kiss in the bar, which he can still feel like a phantom touch against his lips. He's pretty sure he'll never get that out of his head. "I-- you can't just wait for me to get my shit together, Mick." He's talking to his hands in his lap again. Why is this so hard?
Mick shrugs a little. "Because unless you tell me to go and never come back, I ain't leaving." Like it's that simple. Leonard had worked his way under his skin, into his heart and into everything that Mick was now. Leaving was unthinkable. Impossible. Earning his loyalty was difficult if not impossible but now that Leonard had it, Mick would never leave him. Ever.
That kiss. That clashing of lips and the solid feel of Leonard's weight pressed against him. Mick was never going to be able to forget that. How in that one moment absolutely everything had changed for him. Nothing would ever be the same.
A nudge to his knee. "Been waiting this long, haven't I?" Who says he can't wait longer?
Leonard can't fathom someone just sticking by him the way Mick is saying he would. Will. Is? It's not the kind of thing he's used to, but God, it's a nice thought. The kind of thing he could really sink into, and hope against everything that nothing ever pushes Mick into a position to have to break that promise.
"Yeah, but...who knows when that'll happen." It's almost a joke in self-derision. Because he knows how crazy he can be over some things, and he's proved pretty well tonight how clueless he is in others. He just can't ask Mick to wait for him like that.
He snorts in reply. "Lenny, I said I ain't going anywhere. And right now? Right now I'd like nothin more than to kiss you again and take you back to bed and show you how good it could be."
Mick makes a show of pulling his hands back. "But I can wait till you say so. Until you want that too." He can wait now that he knows Leonard wants him back, even if he still hasn't sorted it out in his head completely. It'll mean cold showers and lonely nights, but this is Lenny. His whole damn world.
His eyes widen a little at that idea. This is all so new to him, and completely set him in territory he doesn't understand, it's all a little overwhelming.
But it helps, the way Mick eases back from the idea, saying he's ready to wait. Even if that idea just seems wildly unfair to Leonard.
"I don't..." he starts, a slight frown creasing his forehead. He really, really hates being this nervous; it pushes him outside of his usual tight reign of control on himself. "really know what I want... but..." his fingers dance across his knee, seeking Mick's hand to tangle their fingers together again. "I think..." he pauses and s hakes his head, corrects his words, "no, I know...you're the one I wanna figure it out with." Whatever that really means. He finishes with an awkward glance up toward Mick, lips rolling together as he waits for his reaction.
Relief swamps him as Leonard tangles their fingers together again and he offers him a hesitant smile. "Okay Lenny. Then that's what we'll do. I won't let anyone else touch me at a bar either," he promises.
"Whatever it takes okay Lenny? You and me. We can figure it out and it don't matter how long it takes okay?"
"Okay..." he echoes, nodding a bit. He doesn't even know how to take that last comment. Worth waiting for? Leonard's not so sure about that. But it's the kind of thing that comes out of Mick's mouth as easy as breathing, and it makes Leonard's heart stutter in his chest.
He smiles a little, at a bit of a loss of where to go from here, or what he should do or say. He moves his thumb across the edge of Mick's hand. It's a simple thing, a throwaway thing that's taken for granted by probably literally every other person on the planet, but it's so infrequent that he lets down any of his innumerable walls. And with Mick? There's barely a wall at all.
His movements are tentative, questioning, he's not really sure if this is okay, or if he should, but Leonard doesn't want to be driven by the nerves running a rampage through his body. Slowly, he shifts his position on the couch, curling closer to Mick's side. He never lets go of Mick's hand, thumb still tracing against it.
"So, juvie, huh?" he smirks slightly up at him. "When?"
And Mick keeps perfectly still while he shifts closer, allowing him to get as close as he wants while he focuses on the brush of his thumb. Touch is such an important thing to him, even when it's small things like this and Mick will soak it up like a sponge.
A snort of amusement as he turns his hand a bit to stroke the side of Leonard's with a finger. "You remember that one day we got in that fight? I was in a lousy mood and you were no better? So you picked a fight and I shoved you into the wall?" He shakes his head. God they were idiots.
"I realized that I didn't wanna kick your ass so much as kiss you."
Leonard is surprised with just how comfortable he is here against Mick's side, like it's normal, natural, somehow. He's actually relaxed, which he isn't used to, it feels weird. Like the kind of thing that he could get used to, if he could ever convince himself this kind of complacency was safe.
"Yeah," he nods a little, giving a soft, amused scoff, "I remember..." He's got the smallest of smirks tugging up one corner of his mouth.
At that explanation, however, it falters into something a little more like shock. "Really?"
Damn if this doesn't feel good. Right. Like this is where he's meant to be.
The shock on his face earns a smile from Mick because damn had that night fueled more than a few fantasies about his partner in the subsequent years. "Yeah. Really. I just wanted you to stop talking, you had to go and be.. you. Then it just hit me like a ton of damn bricks."
"That I wanted something else. That I wanted you."
"Oh." He bites his lip, not really sure how to take that. He's not sure that anyone has ever seen him this way-- and if they had, he certainly never noticed it at all.
"Well, I didn't really hate it, you know. Being pinned like that by you." His words are a little more tentative than he might have liked, but they were honest all the same. And maybe more flirty than he realized.
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Date: 2018-04-10 04:50 pm (UTC)Except the closer he gets, the more clearly the scene is set out in front of him and that almost elated feeling crashes like a brick out of a window, shattering into something else entirely. Hurt, most obviously, at first, but that doesn't make sense, does it? But there's something else, too, winding its way through his chest and spreading, sticky across his skin. Something he can't quite put a name to, but when he thinks about it later, he'll realize it felt a lot like MINE being shouted out from every inch of him.
He's not even really aware of what he's doing as he moves across the room with the kind of purpose that only someone on a mission can carry with them. He slides into the space between Mick and Mr. Generic over here, only just barely casting a glance over at the guy who seemed to feel like he had any right to be in Mick's space like that. He's leaned against the bar, facing Mick, "Hey, sorry I'm late."
If he had time to think first, Leonard would never in a million years have done what he does next. But he's not thinking, he just feels the hum of mine pulsing across his skin. He's on auto-pilot and running on feeling, not thoughts or logic like he is usually so prone to do.
It's not even a second after the apology leaves his mouth that Leonard leans up and presses his lips roughly, and hungrily, against Mick's. The kiss is more than just a random deterrent for Mr. Generic to take a hint and get out of here, though, it's something deeper than that, this sudden explosion of something that just fits right under his fingers at the back of Mick's neck, the press of his lips on Mick's, and the way he can just feel that if he turned just a little more, that his body would fit comfortably against Mick's.
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Date: 2018-04-10 06:32 pm (UTC)Then there's a familiar face cutting through the crowd with a look on his face that sends sparks shooting up Mick's spine. Intense and driven as he slides into place between him and the other guy and he's pressed so achingly close Mick's brain threatens to stutter to a complete stop.
...
that kiss.
That kiss is absolutely everything Mick has ever dreamed that it would be and he's had plenty of time to do just that. It only takes a moment for his stunned brain to catch up as he's kissing him back, a hand falling easily to his waist because if Lenny is this close, then it's okay to touch.
It's okay to want.
By the time the kiss breaks Mick's lips are parted, breath coming faster than it probably should be and his eyes absolutely stunned. Happily stunned, but still.
Wow.
He should probably say something even as the other guy has already melted away back into the crowd. "'s okay Lenny."
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Date: 2018-04-10 11:03 pm (UTC)When it breaks, there's still a little bit of a heady feeling left behind. He isn't really ready to process anything, but his mind has other ideas--
Reality crashes in at the same time that Mick's voice reaches his ears. He kind of freezes as his brain starts catching up with what he just did. He's pretty sure, if nothing else, it wasn't a bad thing.
Except the fact that he was in the middle of a bar full of people.
In his town.
Where everyone knew who he was, and worse still, who his father was.
Not that anyone seems to be paying any attention to them, but that doesn't stop the thoughts already trying to swirl through his head. Followed only by panic and thoughts about what might happen if any of this got back to Lewis.
He's just sort of frozen, suddenly, not sure how to react or what to say, but he knows he needs to say something. "I- um-" words fail him and he takes half a step backwards, not sure how to process all of this, or what it means.
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Date: 2018-04-11 01:09 am (UTC)His hand will linger on his hip as long as he's able, until Leonard pulls away far enough that his hand will have to fall back.
His thoughts aren't on the bar goers or the potential that Lewis might care because his mind is soley focused on Leonard, on that kiss.
"It's.. um. It's okay Lenny," he promises. Mick is still a bit dazed, a bit startled that Leonard wanted him the same way that Mick has been wanting him for ages.
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Date: 2018-04-11 01:41 am (UTC)"Are you s- I mean..." He's talking to the ground more than Mick, his head is kind of spinning and he can't sort out the right words in his head.
Carefully, he lifts his gaze to Mick's face again. "Can we.... go?" A beat and he realizes, belatedly, that's really vague and quickly adds. "To your place. I..." Can't process this here. Can't think, can't breathe here. It's too much, too many bodies in one space, too many eyes that might roam wrong. Almost like he thinks he's being too demanding, he even throws in a quiet, "Please?"
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Date: 2018-04-11 01:55 am (UTC)His expression softens a bit at the question as he digs into his wallet for a few bucks and drops the bills on the bar. "Yeah Lenny. Yeah we can go." While he wants to reach out and touch him, soothe him as they walk out, Mick knows that will only ramp up his tension and overall anxiety and if he wants to bolt? That touch won't help. It'll only make it worse.
"My car's out front," he offers. "I can drive us back."
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Date: 2018-04-11 02:16 am (UTC)He stays quiet on the ride to Mick's apartment, just trying to gather his thoughts and calm his heart. He doesn't know how to take all of this. He knew there was... some... kind of... thing that was different about Mick. With Mick. About himself when he was with Mick.
But this... he doesn't even really know what came over him. He just knew he had to ruin whatever chance Mr. Generic thought he had with Mick.
His Mick.
He was... wasn't he?
When they get to the apartment, he follows close on Mick's heels to the door and slips inside once it's unlocked. He clicks the lock back in place when they're inside and leans heavily against the door, palms pressed flat against the wood behind him as he stares up at Mick, trying to think of what to say. "I--"
His eyes flicker, from the floor and back up in half a blink, and suddenly he's found all of his words. "I'm sorry. I- I don't...know why I-- It was probably out of line, n- not my place, probably, I just..." A curious frown creases across his forehead. "I saw you and that was perfect, because tonight sucked and I needed you," If he realizes what he just said, he doesn't seem to show it, so he probably doesn't at all, but that edges toward it being more honest than anything he might plan to say. "and then there was that...guy... and he was touching you like that was okay and--" He frowns deeper, more confused than anything, looking up at Mick like he held all the answers to everything coming out of his own mouth. "it's not. It's not okay."
"It shouldn't matter, should it? I-- this is- I'm overstepping some kind of line, here or something, right?" Because this isn't how friendship works, is it?
God, he doesn't understand anything about any of this and that more than anything is driving him insane. He leans heavy against the door, just looking at Mick with a vaguely pleading look on his face. Please, make this make sense, Mick.
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Date: 2018-04-11 01:17 pm (UTC)He needed him. His stunned brain trips over the idea of that more than a few times before he plays catch up to the rest of the words tumbling out of Leonard's mouth. He's confused. Uncertain. Because most of the time he's damned deliberate with everything that he says, it's only when it all comes falling out that Mick can key in on what's happening.
Oh.
He.. Jesus Lenny really doesn't understand does he?
He doesn't get it. What's been going on between them.
As the understanding dawns on his face something goes impossibly soft around his eyes. "No Lenny it's.. it's okay. More than okay." Because he needs to promise him that first, before they get to any of the other complicated as fuck details surrounding two guys maybe possibly kind of being into one another when that wasn't exactly accepted by people.
"C'mon man. Sit down. It's okay, I promise it is. I just.. I never thought that you'd, you know, want me like that." So it won't happen again. He won't allow it.
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Date: 2018-04-11 04:17 pm (UTC)He's keyed up to the ears with nerves still, as evidenced by the way he fidgets, knees bouncing slightly, as Mick walks over to join him. "I didn't really..." his gaze drops to fingers fidgeting more in his lap. "I never thought about it." Which part he's referring to--what led them to that moment, kissing him, what any of the signs that he'd obviously missed all along were and what they meant, something else all together--is up for debate, but at least he said something .
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Date: 2018-04-11 04:36 pm (UTC)"Well I have. Christ Lenny, I've been thinking about it since we were in juvie." He rubs the back of his neck. "Wanting you. But I never thought.. I never thought you wanted me back. That you were even.." a restless shift, "into guys."
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Date: 2018-04-11 10:13 pm (UTC)His eyes widen a little at that admission. "Really? Since juvie?" He echoes, voice plainly colored with the shock of it. "I didn't know," he says, confirming that he really had no clue, all this time.
"And I've never really...thought of anybody like that before." he admits, confirming further that this isn't even just an issue stemming from the fact that they're both guys, but more from Leonard's complete lack of experience in any variety in this department. His voice is quiet, and he's back to staring at his hands in his lap, fidgeting nervously again.
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Date: 2018-04-12 12:57 am (UTC)"Yeah. Since juvie," he confirms, trying not to overthink the blatant shock in Lenny's voice. A slow breath as he reaches out to close a hand over his. "Is that.. I mean.. is that something you want?"
"With me?" Because before they go any further, they kind of need to establish whether or not Lenny wants that. The kiss was telling but he doesn't want to assume.
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Date: 2018-04-12 02:29 am (UTC)"I..." He starts, but his words fumble. He's so out of his element, and he feels shaky on uneven ground. "I think so... I--" the words die on his tongue because 'like you' just didn't feel right, or like enough. "I'm...comfortable with you, Mick...in ways I've never been with...anyone."
It's a big admission, but kind of like a weight off of him, and pushes him to be able to say more. "I'm safe with you. I feel safe with you. And I...I don't know what this is, or what it means, or where it could go, but... I know that... I can't lose you. That's a risk I can never take, because I already lost you once, when I left you behind in juvie and...I can't have that again. Ever, okay? And I don't...know how this works, but...if it could ruin what we already have, I don't want that to happen, okay? But..."
There's an awkward pause and amused sort of scoff as he shakes his head, biting his lip. "I don't know what to do because I think I really do...want that. but, more than that, I don't want to lose everything else and--" he lets out a frustrated sigh. his fingers untangling from Mick's as he drops his face into his hands.
He doesn't even know what the answer in all of that is, so he doesn't expect Mick to have one, either. And he's pretty sure Mick has made the worst decision ever in wanting anything with him because he's a giant, clueless, paranoid mess that no one deserves to have thrown on them.
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Date: 2018-04-12 12:52 pm (UTC)He allows Lenny to take his hand back, watching him fold in on himself before shifting a little closer on the couch. Mick's own fingers twitch, wanting to pull him in closer but he holds back.
"Hey." A beat. "Leonard." Using his full name in the hope of tugging him out of whatever thoughts are spiraling in his head. "You're not gonna lose me. Not now. Not ever." A promise he'll keep for the rest of his damn life. "If you don't want me bein' with anyone else like at that bar? I won't."
"I just.." he shakes his head. "Only ever wanted you anyway."
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Date: 2018-04-12 03:00 pm (UTC)"And...how is that fair, to you, if everything stays the way it is?" Not that's he's sure everything can, not now. Not after that kiss in the bar, which he can still feel like a phantom touch against his lips. He's pretty sure he'll never get that out of his head. "I-- you can't just wait for me to get my shit together, Mick." He's talking to his hands in his lap again. Why is this so hard?
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Date: 2018-04-12 03:11 pm (UTC)That kiss. That clashing of lips and the solid feel of Leonard's weight pressed against him. Mick was never going to be able to forget that. How in that one moment absolutely everything had changed for him. Nothing would ever be the same.
A nudge to his knee. "Been waiting this long, haven't I?" Who says he can't wait longer?
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Date: 2018-04-12 10:24 pm (UTC)"Yeah, but...who knows when that'll happen." It's almost a joke in self-derision. Because he knows how crazy he can be over some things, and he's proved pretty well tonight how clueless he is in others. He just can't ask Mick to wait for him like that.
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Date: 2018-04-13 12:43 pm (UTC)Mick makes a show of pulling his hands back. "But I can wait till you say so. Until you want that too." He can wait now that he knows Leonard wants him back, even if he still hasn't sorted it out in his head completely. It'll mean cold showers and lonely nights, but this is Lenny. His whole damn world.
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Date: 2018-04-14 01:22 am (UTC)But it helps, the way Mick eases back from the idea, saying he's ready to wait. Even if that idea just seems wildly unfair to Leonard.
"I don't..." he starts, a slight frown creasing his forehead. He really, really hates being this nervous; it pushes him outside of his usual tight reign of control on himself. "really know what I want... but..." his fingers dance across his knee, seeking Mick's hand to tangle their fingers together again. "I think..." he pauses and s hakes his head, corrects his words, "no, I know...you're the one I wanna figure it out with." Whatever that really means. He finishes with an awkward glance up toward Mick, lips rolling together as he waits for his reaction.
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Date: 2018-04-14 01:28 am (UTC)"Whatever it takes okay Lenny? You and me. We can figure it out and it don't matter how long it takes okay?"
"You're, um, you're worth waiting for."
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Date: 2018-04-14 02:13 am (UTC)He smiles a little, at a bit of a loss of where to go from here, or what he should do or say. He moves his thumb across the edge of Mick's hand. It's a simple thing, a throwaway thing that's taken for granted by probably literally every other person on the planet, but it's so infrequent that he lets down any of his innumerable walls. And with Mick? There's barely a wall at all.
His movements are tentative, questioning, he's not really sure if this is okay, or if he should, but Leonard doesn't want to be driven by the nerves running a rampage through his body. Slowly, he shifts his position on the couch, curling closer to Mick's side. He never lets go of Mick's hand, thumb still tracing against it.
"So, juvie, huh?" he smirks slightly up at him. "When?"
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Date: 2018-04-15 03:06 pm (UTC)A snort of amusement as he turns his hand a bit to stroke the side of Leonard's with a finger. "You remember that one day we got in that fight? I was in a lousy mood and you were no better? So you picked a fight and I shoved you into the wall?" He shakes his head. God they were idiots.
"I realized that I didn't wanna kick your ass so much as kiss you."
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Date: 2018-04-16 12:58 am (UTC)"Yeah," he nods a little, giving a soft, amused scoff, "I remember..." He's got the smallest of smirks tugging up one corner of his mouth.
At that explanation, however, it falters into something a little more like shock. "Really?"
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Date: 2018-04-16 02:23 pm (UTC)The shock on his face earns a smile from Mick because damn had that night fueled more than a few fantasies about his partner in the subsequent years. "Yeah. Really. I just wanted you to stop talking, you had to go and be.. you. Then it just hit me like a ton of damn bricks."
"That I wanted something else. That I wanted you."
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Date: 2018-04-16 05:00 pm (UTC)"Well, I didn't really hate it, you know. Being pinned like that by you." His words are a little more tentative than he might have liked, but they were honest all the same. And maybe more flirty than he realized.
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