{I might be lost, but I'm not a lost cause

[myheadisaprison]

PSL with bringstheheat
Pre-canon things, teen things, etc...

Comments

{Can't you see, the harder I try, the more we grow apart

[mypriority]

After somewhere in the ballpark of eight years of the same argument, things just get old and tired. There's no real way out of this particular one without explaining things that Leonard has, honestly, tried to bury and forget about entirely. But the explanation would clear a lot of things up and it would stop this circular fight he and Mick have so often.

The night has started off simply enough. Movies and beers at home, just them. Lisa's doing whatever it is that nineteen year olds do these days and Leonard is trying not to think too hard about the kind of trouble she might end up in.

[bringstheheat]

Eight odd years now.
Eight years of Mick reaching out and Leonard flinching away like he was gonna somehow hurt him. Him. Mick Rory. The guy who had gone to jail for him. The guy who would take a damn bullet for him.

The guy who was so damn gone on him he can't imagine life without Leonard in it.

Still. Here they are again. Just this side of drunk and Mick reaching out to touch just for the sake of contact. He's not looking for sex. He just needs his partner.

[mypriority]

Leonard can't help it, after all this time, it's instinct, he doesn't even think about it when he curls away from the hand reaching toward him. Maybe it was a coincidence the first time (it wasn't), maybe it could be written off the second (there's no reason to), but a pattern forms and it's too obvious it's all intentional. A dodge of contact, every time.

"Mick, stop," he mumbles quietly, voice hushed, a quiet annoyance sitting somewhere in those two little words.

[bringstheheat]

And every single time he curls away it hurts. Every time it makes him ache when he's asking for something as basic as touch and Leonard pulls away as if he would somehow hurt him.

But eventually hurt wars with anger and Mick can't stop himself.

"Why? I just wanna be close, why do you keep acting like I'm gonna hurt you?"

[mypriority]

That revaluation shouldn't really be a big one, it would be the easiest assumption to make all things considered, but it strikes him harshly. Makes words fumble out of his mouth in a way that's uncontrolled like most everything Leonard ever does or says always is. "What? Mick, I don't think that you'd hurt me."

[bringstheheat]

A frustrated sound because that doesn't help his overall confusion. He wouldn't hurt him. He'd die first. But when he reaches out for something as innocent as holding his hand or drawing him near he pulls away.

"So why do you hate me touching you now? Why pull away like I'm gonna hurt you?"

[mypriority]

The question is so brazen and direct that Leonard feels almost cornered about it. And people like Leonard don't really do well with feeling boxed in over anything. That, and probably a little help from the copious amounts of alcohol running through his system, has his defenses up almost immediately.

"I don't-- I don't know, okay?" He snaps. "I can't explain it, I just- I can't handle it," That isn't really how he meant to phrase that and it's obvious with the way he absolutely barrels on with the rest of what he has to say. "People change, Mick, why does it have to have a reason?"

[bringstheheat]

Change.
Yeah, Mick's never done all that well with change and Leonard's words only get his own defenses up even if he doesn't know why.

"Because it's like you don't trust me," he snaps angrily. "You can't handle it but Jesus Christ I've never hurt you, I'd never.." he turns away, heading for the kitchen and another drink even if it's the last damn thing he needs right now.

[mypriority]

"What the f--" Mick has always been good about walking away when arguments get started, but Leonard is the type to follow if he still has a piece to say. " I don't trust anyone the way I trust you," he's in the doorway of the kitchen, staring at Mick, completely incredulous. "it doesn't have anything to do with trust."

[bringstheheat]

The refrigerator door slams shut and Mick has to take a moment to breathe, to struggle to calm his swiftly warming temper. Leonard normally knows better, knows to leave him be when he's worked up like this.

"So what then? All I wanna do is touch you and you pull back like I'm gonna hurt you, like you don't know that I'd never ever hurt you."

[mypriority]

Leonard's gotten used to the explosive way Mick's anger works over the years. If he hadn't known all the other sides of him first, before he ever actually saw it, Leonard would have stayed away from him. But he knew the rest of Mick first-- fierce and protective and loyal, so it was something he came to accept. And Leonard doesn't react outwardly anymore when he slams things around in the midst of the anger that burns through him like kerosene hit with a match.

"I told you, I don't know!" The vehemence with which he's clinging to those words like they're proven fact is pretty telling that there must be something, if only because people are wildly more defensive about things they're caught lying about.

Leonard really isn't sure what has gotten into him tonight, but he's apparently feeling pretty confrontational because as he continues, he marches over to where Mick is standing to look him in the eye as he says what he has to say. He'll be damned if this whole conversation is had with Mick's back. "If there is anything that I've ever been sure of in my life, it's that you would never do anything to hurt me. Ever." There's a beat and there's a little more desperate note in his next words. "You have to believe that I know that."

[bringstheheat]

"Bullshit," he growls because of course there's some reason. "What did I do wrong? What happened that's got you dancing away like I'm.. like I'm some kinda monster?"

There had been a time when Leonard would actively seek out touch, when he'd lean into simple stuff like holding hands or Mick's hand resting on his leg. Not even looking for sex, just.. just touch.

"What did I do? Tell me so I can fucking fix it." So he can fix them.

[mypriority]

Maybe facing him for this conversation was a bad idea. He can't hide the falter in his features at Mick's words.

No. No no no. This isn't happening. He's blaming himself. He's blaming himself and it's Leonard's fault for not just answering him.

"No," the word rips out of him like it physically hurts him to say. "No, Mick, it's not--" There's a sound that's a little like a scoff and a laugh mixed together, devoid of any humor at all. The irony of the over-used line that's about to tumble out of his mouth is not lost on him at all. As he speaks, he shakes his head, to pushing the point or because his whole body is just becoming a part of the emphatic way he needs Mick to understand what he's saying is the truth.

"It's not you, okay? I promise, you-- you never did anything, or- or didn't do something that caused this. It's me." There's that humorless scoff again because he just can't believe the things rolling out of his mouth now. "It's something wrong with me, and I can't stop and I can't make it go away and nothing is gonna fix it, okay? But it's not you. It was never you, please, please believe that, Mick.

Drowning

[bringstheheat]

The place on Seventh isn't much - just a couple of beds, an old couch, table and chairs. Nothing special and that's fine. Mick doesn't need much. Lenny wanted him away and as much as that makes him ache, he does what is asked of him.

Every time anymore, every single time he reaches out to him he gets shoved away with the promise "it's not you, it's me" and it doesn't.. it doesn't make sense. Mick can't figure out why. So when he gets confused and lost and Leonard isn't there to help ground and stabalize him, he reaches for his lighter. He can watch the flame flicker and dance and let the rest of the world fall away.

Lisa will find him with a beer largely untouched in one hand and his lighter damn near out of fuel in the other.

He's done something wrong,but he doesn't know what or how to fix it.

[gildedshot]

Lisa arrives at the place on 7th and lets herself in. She gives a relieved and yet tired sigh when she sees Mick sitting on the couch staring at the flame from his lighter. She's brought him some food she picked up at a drive thru knowing like Len, he hasn't eaten either.

"Micky?" She asks softly as she sits beside him on the other end of the couch, setting the food down in front of him.

[bringstheheat]

She's one of two people that can snap Mick out of his reverie and he snaps the lighter closed, letting out a breath.

"Is he okay?" Because even now his thoughts are for Leonard first. Is he okay? Did he come out of his attack all right? Has he eaten? Slept?

Why did he send him away?

[gildedshot]

"Yes, physically he's fine. He was on the couch when I got home. I manged to get half a sandwich and some hot cocoa in him. He was sleeping when I left...hopefully he still is.

Now, can you tell me what happened? I couldn't get much out of him conversation wise."

[bringstheheat]

An exasperated sound as he scrubs at his face. "The same damn thing every time. He keeps pulling back like he's afraid I'm gonna hit him." There's anger and shock and upset because Mick would never ever raise a hand against him. Ever.

[gildedshot]

Lisa shifts on the couch, moving so her back is against the arm rest and her legs are folded in front of her. She places her hands in her lap and thinks for a long moment before speaking.

"He's not afraid of you, Micky." She says softly and is quiet again for a moment. "I'll tell you what I know...will you eat some of that please? For me?" She nods towards the food.

"It's...not good. And looking back on it I think it's worse than I thought it might have been at the time. Lenny doesn't think you're going to hurt him, he's afraid he's going to hurt you...that he will...taint you. He thinks that you'll see how damaged he is and not want him anymore. And it's subconscious..he's not even aware it's happening. It's like how I flinch when people come at me with raised hands...it's not because I think they specifically will hit me...it's because well..when I was growing up that was what it meant.

I was 11...I remember hearing a lot of talking, different voices. I snuck to the top of the stairs and there was a lady downstairs on the couch with Lenny. Dad was there and he was making nasty comments about how no son of his was gonna be a fag...he had to make sure he knew what he was doing. So he...brought a gift.

I think...I think he was forced to have sex with that lady....he was essentially raped...God...if Lewis ever gets out of prison I'm going to kill him." A few tears fall down her cheek. "He wants you Mick...he does. So bad...he just. He doesn't...think he's good enough. He thinks he's damaged goods...spoiled."

[bringstheheat]

Mick isn't hungry. Not even close. He doesn't even make an attempt to pick at the food she was nodding towards.

Taint him? There's a genuine shock to his expression as his eyes snap towards Lisa. Jesus. He'd been his first. Loved him best over everything in the world. And Lenny thought he would somehow taint him? The monster that burned his whole family?

"He's my whole world. You know that Lise," he chokes.

Then she finishes the story and Mick feels physically sick. Recoils in utter horror. A hand raising to his mouth. "Jesus. Jesus Christ Lisa. How could he think that I'd.."

A sob tears free from his chest.

"I love him Lise. Christ. I fucking love him and if it weren't for you and and Lenny you know I'd have burned his ass into nothing by now for all the times he hurt you two."

Mick buries his face in his hands. "You two are all I got."

[gildedshot]

Lisa's crying too, her eyes are red and her cheeks wet and she shuffles across the couch to press close to Mick's side. Both of them need it...and she can handle it. She trusts Mick in a way she trusts no one but Lenny and she knows she can touch him.

Mick's smart enough to guess that Len probably is afraid of being pitied or treated differently...so she doesn't speak for a bit.

"I don't think he knows that I know what happened. He's been carrying this for so long and not talking about it...but that's not going to work anymore. You two belong together...and as hard as it is. You two need to talk about this."

[bringstheheat]

And for once in a very long time, Lisa is the one to shelter Mick. Her presence is warm and steady and offers the stability be so very badly needs.

"I'm not the smartest," he allows after a long moment of simply soaking in the contact. "I'll probably fuck it up. But I'll try."

He'll try.
He'll swear to Lenny that he won't touch if he doesn't want it. He'll at least swear that he'll try. He'll try and God help anyone else who tries to touch him because Mick will step between them. Break bones if he has to.

He'll try because he loves him.
"I miss him."

[gildedshot]

"I miss him too...and I know I'm not Lenny...but if you need something...something like this, I don't mind sitting with you like this. I can't do it with him anymore...he gets tense still...it's not as bad as it was a couple years ago...but...I just....I don't know what to do either Mick. I think it's just going to take time..." Lisa sniffles slightly and wipes her cheek. "I think talking to him might help though...I can...be there if you want. So you don't have to face it alone." She would do anything for either of them. Absolutely. Anything.

[bringstheheat]

Mick shakes his head slowly. No, no this was going to be something they were going to have to talk about alone. They don't talk about feelings under the best of circumstances and this? This was about as far from best as they'd ever been.

"I'll talk to him Princess," a strained smile, a nickname harkening back to a time when things were so much better for the three of them. When Mick let himself believe they could be a family, that they could always be close.

"I promise."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Mick doesn't sleep a wink that night, or what's left of it after Lisa had found him. Torn between concern for his partner and helpless rage directed (yet again) at Lewis for hurting someone he cares so much about, he can't find any sense of peace and looking at his lighter isn't helping.

He needs his partner.
So shortly after dawn, just as the sun is rising, he sends him a text, letting him know that he's coming home. Mick is also giving him the opportunity to tell him to stay away if that's what he needs, but he doesn't expect him to.

Exhausted and haggard, Mick opens the door to their place, closing it quietly behind him. This is going to hurt. It's going to be terrible and awful but it's high goddamn time that they clear the air between them so he's going to suck it up no matter what comes.

"Lenny?"

[mypriority]

Leonard doesn't sleep, either, any more than the few spurts of random dozing when Lisa was next to him. He noticed when she left and could assume as much over her whereabouts. Finding Mick, talking to him, trying to smooth things over like she tended to do when they were fighting. He couldn't blame her for it, didn't exactly hate that she was that invested, if he was honest. They were all she's known her whole life, he can understand her needing things not to completely break apart when they get like that.

He gets the text from Mick, but he doesn't respond. Mostly because he doesn't know what to say. Everything feels a little hazy and clouded after last night and no sleep on top of it. He doesn't want to deter him from coming home, though, so he just leaves it as it is.

He hasn't moved from the bed in their room, except that he's curled up on Mick's side of the bed instead of his own when Mick wanders inside at dawn. He sits up slowly, dragging his knees up toward his chest. "Hey..." he says quietly, voice hoarse from not using it.